[Solved] Moving on - learning to trust again.

It might be worth having a look at going to Relate - they aren't there just for relationships that are in trouble, it's a counselling service for all aspects of a relationship. Speak to them to see if it's best to go with or without your partner, but tell her what you are doing and why. Ultimately, it's a matter of coming to terms with your own feelings, but you want this to work so I don't see any reason why it shouldn't.

I took the following from an article on a website called mindbodygreen, I condensed and added to it, but I thought it might help you to try and understand that trusting begins with you, it's a leap of faith that we all have to take sometimes in our lives. It has certainly given me some food for thought......

Trust is a crucial ingredient in our relationships, some call it the foundation. If we want to experience peace and happiness, then we must learn how to trust.

It's an undeniable truth that we all have reasons not to trust... we've all felt hurt and have all suffered in some way and felt pain in our relationships.... it's comforting to realise that we're not alone, we've all been hurt, and we're all trying to avoid that happening again.

Unfortunately guarantees are not found in relationships and guarantees are definitely not found in our love relationships, we're way too complex for that. In fact what can be guaranteed is that we will sometimes feel hurt by the people we love. Trusting is a decision we must make, knowing that there aren't any guarantees. Trust isn't about finding the perfect, trustworthy person, it's about signing up to work through hurt when it arises.

If we can relate to trust through this perspective then trusting becomes easier and we shift from trying to avoid being hurt, which is impossible, to recognising that we can move through anything that comes our way. This helps us feel empowered, a little more trusting and a little less fearful.

When we use past experiences as reasons not to trust again, then we are really only hurting ourselves.... we all have reasons not to trust, but walling ourselves off from others only perpetuates the problem.

When we decide to trust someone it means that we believe in that person's integrity. Trusting is knowing that ultimately this person's intentions are good, but it should also mean that we know that they are probably going to make mistakes....So if we trust ourselves first and foremost, it allows us to deal with the mistakes of others with a little more grace and ease. If we know that no matter what our chosen partner does, no matter what challenges arise we are going to be OK, then trusting is going to be easier to do. We need to recognise that trust isn't about never feeling another negative emotion again, it's about knowing that we can handle anything that comes our way. Trust in ourselves, and trust for others will flow from that.

When we can do that we will be able to offer trust to others too, and it will serve as the foundation for many long-lasting, loving relationships to firmly build upon.

Hi There,
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Theres some good words in the above and it makes sense when you read it, that said it's not as easy as reading something and having your head straight, what's written is true and thats where you will need to base your future.
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I agree with actd that some counselling will help, maybe just for you, you could look at some for you and the counsellor may wish for your new partner to attend at some point, but I think they would help you comne to terms with what your ex did and help you to move forward from it.
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I know that what you are going through isn't un common it's actually natural to struggle to trust people again when someone has let you down in such a big way.
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I'm glad that your new partner is understanding of this and is working with you to get past it.
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GTTS

Many thanks for your responses, there are parts of Mojo's post which I relate to, but it seems to me that it's coming from the perspective of "if you expect the worst then you'll never be disappointed", which is a negative way of looking at things. Perhaps I'm just reading it wrong?

I'll look into some personal counselling sessions, they can only help. I guess like most things in these types of situations though, the greatest healer is time.

Again, thank you.

...I can see what you mean, but I think it's more about acceptance and taking responsibility for oneself...once you can say, I am strong enough to deal with whatever may happen, I give my love freely with no expectations and I want that person in my life, then you are allowing yourself to move forward and acknowledging your own strength, which will give you confidence for the future.

I don't think its about expecting the worse... It's more about being realistic and building your own confidence. Some of the worse things that have happened to me, have in retrospect, been the periods of my life where I have learnt the most about myself, my strengths and weaknesses....and acknowledging that when one door closes another opens....it's not the end it's a new beginning.

I think counselling would be helpful, here's a link to Relate.

www.relate.org.uk

I think you're doing great by the way... And yes time is a great healer.

Hi,
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Time is a healer and with time things will improve, I do think some counselling will help, its those demons in your head that will cuase you the biggest problems, and thats what makes you doubt everything, and I speak from experience. self acceptance is part of it, when you can understand whats going on you can rationalise it, and counselling will hopefully help with that so that when those thoughts arrise you can handle them instead of them escallating into panic.
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GTTS