[Solved] Messages driving me nuts

Right now I'm having a really hard time dealing with what happened. It seems like the slightest things triggers it all off. I'm trying not to take it out on her but its so [censored] hard. Any tips?

Talk to your other half.
Talking is the key to overcoming this.

You have done really well so far.

Take care
Kirsten

We do talk a [censored] of a lot. A lot of the issue I believe is that she wants everything to be how it was more or less straight away. Like I've said before I can't act like everything's good when it isn't. We've discussed a separation, but I feel that if that happens then it's more or less game over. It's the betrayal I have the biggest issue with. I'm speaking to a counsellor which while its good, they're trying to put a time frame for me to get over it. She's known from the start and from conversations we've had about her workmates infidelity how I feel towards cheating and affairs etc and that if it happened then that would be it for us. By wanting to try I feel like I'm going back on my principles. She knows all of this

Personally I think it's great that you are seeing a counsellor, is your other half seeing one too?
Only you can decide if sticking to your principle is worth more than trying to rebuild the relationship....I can understand
your dilemma though.
You clearly want the relationship to succeed and from that basis I am sure you will get past this.

Tc
Kirsten

She has spoken to Relate twice now using their free service. Last night got to the crux of why it happened. Now we know I find it easier to deal with. It basically boils down to what my wife wants now. I've moved out to give her some space to think about what she wants with regards to us. I would rather her be happy without me than unhappy with me. At the end of the day, regardless what's happened, I'm in love with her and want her to be happy

Ok so an update, I'm still angry towards my wife for what happened. We're seeing relate to deal with it and sort out our marriage. My main issue at the minute is that everyone who knows myself and my wife, not that I want them to take sides, have told her how stupid she's been or that what she did was wrong. It's almost like they're just saying ' oh well, [censored] happens'. It's getting on my nerves because I know that if I did what she did it would be ' get rid, once a cheater always a cheater'. I don't understand why none of them have the [censored] to tell her. Any ideas???

..does it matter what other people might say if it were you that had cheated? In one breath you say you don't want them to take sides and in the next you are annoyed that they aren't treating her more harshly. Perhaps they don't want to alienate her, or they may feel she's not a strong enough person to take it full in the face? Or perhaps they wouldn't make that differentiation in the first place!

I can understand that you still feel angry, it will take time and effort to get past it, but you are trying. I wouldn't cloud your efforts at repairing your relationship with issues such as this because it just makes it harder.

My advice is to let this kind of negative thinking go and concentrate on the things that will help you get over what happened.

Hi Warrior,

At the beginning of your thread, I was hoping so much that it was simply a misunderstanding... I'm sorry that wasn't the case.

I think that there has been alot going on in your life, and in your relationship, and it's all kind of come along and hit you at once!

Nothing hurts like infidelity, particularly as it damages that trust you have in your partner (I unfortunately speak from experience) it makes it difficult to trust them, believe them, and worse still it makes you question how much you really do know them...

You've taken a positive step in deciding to at least look at whether or not the relationship can recover, but that is only part of it.

From my reading your posts, you effectively have two separate issues;

Firstly, Coming to terms with the effect of the infidelity on your marriage. Do you feel the relationship can recover, do you want it to? Both you and your wife need to agree and work towards the same goal. You seem to be both communicating well, and tackling some of the problems - which is very positive!

Secondly, coming to terms with the conflicting emotions of the situation; loving your wife, but at the same time feeling anger, frustration and upset because of what has happened. The fact that you feel betrayed by what has happened.

Each of these need to be approached separately I think, for your benefit.
Obviously the two issues are interlinked, and one effects the other, but at the end of the day, those emotions affect you. They aren't your fault, but you have to deal with them, come to terms with them, and move on in whichever way you choose.

Wherever possible (and I know this won't be easy) try not to let all of the emotions get too "fired up" when trying to resolve the issues within the relationship. Definitely talk about how you're feeling, how that is affecting your attempts to resolve the problems, but feeling angry, frustrated and upset are likely to be counterproductive to the process.

It's a long road to recover from something like this, and ultimately you need to be true to yourself and do what you feel is best, but you have taken the first steps and are dealing with the situation, much better than many others would in the same place.

All the best Warrior.

BD.

While I understand that the way I'm being is counter productive and I'm taking steps to get this sorted, both our families and friends are telling her that I'm the one who is ruining our relationship. I don't understand why not one has said is it any wonder. Obviously there are days that are better than others and even though I sound like I'm whining about it, I am really trying to move on and would like people's support and help with it including my wife's but she's switched off from it and does what she wants. Our counsellor has organised a single session with her to try and figure out why she's being the way she is over it all. She says that she loves me but doesn't know if she's in love with me, but then tells me everyday that she loves me. My heads all over the place

Warrior.

Thank you for clarifying the details.
It doesn't sound overly positive that family are getting involved in the situation, let alone implying that you are to blame.
In these situations, it doesn't pay for people to start playing the blame game...

I have to admit, your wife saying that she loves you, but doesn't know if she is in love with you going to obviously cause concerns, and i can understand why this would cause you to be "all over the place" - I would be too!
I suspect that your wife is trying to come to terms with what has happened too, and what she has to ultimately take responsibility for.
In the end, whilst the emotions you are dealing with are causing you to struggle, perhaps your wife is trying to deal with the guilt of causing that pain - which would also explain her "switching off" from it all.

Obviously this is just my view of what you're saying, and it is very early on, but I would suspect that you're both dealing with different emotions, whilst looking at recovering the relationship...

I hope it gets easier for you warrior, and if you need an ear, I and others are here.

All the best,

BD.

I know I'm not to blame for any of this. She says that I've done nothing to her or acted in any way for her to do it and that I've been the perfect husband to her for whatever good that's done. Granted the fact that I keep questioning her etc isn't helping anyone but it's like I've told her, counsellors and family, if I'd have done the same thing I'd be moving mountain to prove to her that I messed up, lack of judgement, whatever and do whatever it takes to show her that she is the one I want to be with. Time will tell but it's got to the point where I am going to move out and get on with it

Firstly I want to thank you all for your advice. It has been very much appreciated.

Just thought I'd give you all an update. I've relaxed into the situation now and things from my end are better. I've stopped over thinking and being paranoid as much as I can. She went out last Friday night and I caught her messaging a different guy from work and deleting the messages again. When I confronted her, she at first said that she deleted them because she didn't want to talk to him but she knows as well as I do that deleting them doesn't get rid of the conversation. After asking her on Monday about it again she said she deleted them because she didn't want an argument with me, which I kind of understand. However, and I also said this to her, this is the reason why i've been struggling to trust her and believe what she tells me.

I really think that I'm wasting my time trying to make it work with her. I don't understand how things could go so wrong