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Hi,
I'm after some advice on how to deal with the situation I'm in. Ill start with some history to where I am now. Basically 12 months ago I had a vasectomy reversal so that my wife and I could try for a baby, We had a test done and it came back negative so in true me fashion, I started to worry about it being a problem with my wife and I. She's been really good and supportive and said that at least we know where we are and start looking forward to the other plans we have made etc. Since then everything has been great with us up until her cousin got pregnant. She told everyone when we was all visiting her Grandma about 2 months ago and we are all very happy for them both. But then I started getting a bit jealous about it.
Anyway about 6 weeks ago my I found my wife messaging another man who she works with through Facebook. As soon as she messaged him she would delete them. Now, these were nothing sexual, just more flirty with winky smiley faces. One day when I came home from work doing a night shift I put up her messenger on my phone and went to sleep. Then the messages started and she told the guy that she would be free Friday night ;-). Well this sent me over the edge. I text her straight away and told her that I knew she had been messaging him for a while and I wanted to know what was going on. As soon as I told her she then deleted the messages. She came straight home and told me that she had been trying to set him up with another collegue and was trying to cheer him up because he'd been a bit down. I then went into stealth mode, went through her phone and checked out her browser history, message she had sent and received from other people and a lot of things don't add up to me. On her history she was looking for this guy and finding out about his nationality as he's not English. When I confronted her about this she said it was because she was just being nosey.
As I said, a lot doesn't add up to me. If there is nothing to hide, why delete the messages? Why look for this guy ( and others) on her phone? All of this seems suspicious to me.
Anyway I've been going nuts trying to make sense of it all and I just really can't understand any of it. As far as I was aware we had a really good, honest relationship. I ended up writing her a letter explaining to her exactly how I felt and that I don't understand why she would do this. She explained everything including that she wasn't thinking about me or us and just did it.
I feel hurt, betrayed, and a lot of resentment towards her and I would like some advice on how to deal with this and how to move on.
Thanks
Hi there
I'm not surprised you feel hurt and betrayed...it's a trust thing and it will take a while for that to be rebuilt. I think you just need to keep talking, try and keep anger out of the mix and try also to spend some time together, like a date night and try and rekindle the feelings you have for each other. Sometimes we take our partners for granted without realising it, I'm not saying that you have but it might help to do stuff together...the cinema, a meal out or anything that you enjoy doing together.
At least nothing happened as such....but as it's out in the open perhaps going to Relate or some other form of counselling might help you both to understand what happened and why.
Hi there
I'm not surprised you feel hurt and betrayed...it's a trust thing and it will take a while for that to be rebuilt. I think you just need to keep talking, try and keep anger out of the mix and try also to spend some time together, like a date night and try and rekindle the feelings you have for each other. Sometimes we take our partners for granted without realising it, I'm not saying that you have but it might help to do stuff together...the cinema, a meal out or anything that you enjoy doing together.
At least nothing happened as such....but as it's out in the open perhaps going to Relate or some other form of counselling might help you both to understand what happened and why.
Thank you for your comments. We have started doing more things together as well as doing things apart too. The problem I have is that I really have trouble acting as if everything is ok. To be fair though my wife has been trying hard to make me feel better, but from my point of view I don't see why I should act I'm happy when clearly I'm not. I am having a chat with relate tonight for a free 30 mins session and we've both agreed that we should at least have some sessions with them to make progress
I think that's a great idea and its so much easier when you are both in agreement about seeking help.
I would think you're wife understands that you can't be happy when you're not feeling that way, as long as you are not being unreasonable or vindictive and you both keep those lines of communication open, I see no reason why you cant express your feelings of unhappiness.
Best of luck.
I'm not happy and she says she does understand why. I'm not one to try and get my own back etc. The thing that gets me more than the whole thing is that I would never even consider doing anything like that because I love and respect her and doing so would show a lack of disrespect on my part. The thought makes me feel sick
That's understandable, it must be tough for you. I think it might help not to compare what you would do with what your wife has done. I know why you would do that but you are both different people with different ways of dealing with things. As hard as it has been for you to accept that a baby isn't on the cards, this will have impacted on your wife in a different way entirely.
The counsellors at Relate will help you both explore the reasons behind what has happened. I think its possible that your wife,whilst outwardly accepting of the status quo, was feeling less of a woman inside...perhaps this was happening on a sub conscious level and her behaviour was as a result of this....just a thought.
Perhaps when things are settled you might like to think about IVF or other fertility treatments...it would be something worth looking at in the future.
So after all this madness and some incognito spy work it turns out that my fears have come true and my wife has been cheating on me. I'm completely devastated
sorry to hear this warrior. What has your wife said about this since you found out?
She's apologised and pretty much begged me to stay and work things out with her. She's stopped all contact with the work colleague and also her friend who was egging her on to continue the relationship. Since then, and I know it's now been a couple of weeks I've gone from not wanting her to wanting to work it out and pretty much every emotion in between. Work have put me in touch with a counsellor and we're booking an appointment with relate to get things moving
That's excellent - perhaps it's been a jolt and you both realise that there's a good future for you together. 🙂
I hope so. None of this was ever meant to happen with us. Part of me still wants to leave her and understandably so I think. But, with baby steps and counselling we'll get there and it would have been a blip. I did tell her that if she even has so much of a thought about doing it again then that's it, I'm done. She's agreed to everything that I said and said that she will do anything to make up for what has happened. I'm not one to hang it over her head but at the same time I want her jumping through hoops to prove to me that it's only me she wants. I have to do the same as well
I have to do the same as well
That, my friend, is an excellent attitude to success 🙂