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Hi there,
I joined here just over 2 years ago to the date but never posted much and more just looked at the information that was around.
In those 2 years a lot of time has passed and things have gotten better in some areas and not in others.
Hopefully you can follow the below and maybe offer some words of advice?
I’ve split with my ex (my sons mum) for just over 4 years now. My son will be 6 this June. I’ve been with my new partner for just over 3 years. It’s not been easy trying to juggle everything and everyone to try and get a happy medium. But at some points within the last year I thought I was getting there! Me and my ex were getting on OK, me and my new partner were getting on well and she was getting on well with my son (he gets on really well with her) and me and my son were very happy also.
My current situation is that I live at home with my mum and my son comes to stay with me mainly at weekends. During the week I try to stay with my girlfriend at her folks house so I can spend time with her. Then at the weekends I stay at my mums house to be with my son. This isn’t ideal as it means things are quite separated between me and my girlfriend but also between the 3 of us.
I’ve been at home since I split with my ex. I met my new girlfriend almost a year after I split with my ex. My new girlfriend used to stay about 30miles from me (due to work) and travelled home at weekends. So in the beginning this was quite difficult as I had to travel down there to see each other and she would never travel up here. This wasn’t ideal as it meant that I would travel up and down to see her and then when she came back at the weekends I mainly had my son, so the time we spent together was limited. She mentioned quite a few times that we didn’t do much etc etc. We made a conscious effort to do things at the weekends but I also tried to involve her at weekends with me and my son. It was really difficult for her in the beginning to come to terms with the whole thing and get on with my son. Even though she is a primary school teacher she still found it difficult to get on with him. For many reasons including thinking about his mum! How she didn’t want to replace his mum, how much time I was in contact with her and the fact that we were close and actually had a child together.
So that went on for about a year or just over before she moved home. In that time our relationship had some ups and downs but the relationship she had with my son got better as time went on. We took the decision to save up as much money as we could to try and get a place of our own. So it’s been a hard 12 months of saving for us both to get in a position to have a deposit for our first house together.
Now is where I’m thinking about all the problems that have arisen. So, in all the 3 years and months we have been together her parents have never asked about my son! They have obviously never met him. I’m 90% certain that he was kept a secret from them for the first few months of our relationship. I just can’t understand why they would never mention him? He’s a massive part of my life and always will be. They don’t have to be a part of his life but, acknowledging the fact he’s there would be nice IMO.
Secondly, we’ve always had the argument that she feels like it’s me and my son and then her! But when it’s me and her it’s fine. She has expressed that she feels left out at times and I have tried to include her as much as I can without ignoring the needs of my son. It’s felt as though she wants/needs all of my time and isn’t happy to share it.
So now we have been offered a mortgage which isn’t as big as we thought it would be (due to my credit history which is another story in itself haha) so the big family home we had been thinking/planning for isn’t going to happen for another 2 years. It’s now at this point where my girlfriend isn’t happy to move into a smaller property! She lives in a big 4 bedroom house with her family, whereas I live in a 2 bedroom flat with my mum and my son at weekends.
I have tried to point out some positives about the whole moving process which are;
We will have our own house we can call OURS.
We will have a place where all 3 of us can be together.
We will have a mortgage which will be good for lenders to see when it comes to 2 years’ time.
My son will have his own proper bedroom he can call his own and doesn’t have any of my stuff in.
Me and my girlfriend will have our OWN space and not share it with parents.
We’d still be able to save for a bigger house in 2 years’ time
The only positive my girlfriend could find in the above was that we would have our own place. But even then she would find it hard because we wouldn’t be staying there for any length of time. So she sees it as a waste. She had commented that she felt she would have nowhere to go when my son stayed with us! Which was strange but again highlights that she doesn’t feel part of it? Where she said that she would feel the need to go home to her folks some nights when my son stayed with us?! She actually commented that would I be willing to buy somewhere on my own for 2 years until we could get a bigger place?
I’m sorry for yabbling on but hopefully the above gives you a picture of how things are. I feel a need to get things sorted out before going ahead with anything at the moment. Buying a small property for 2 years wouldn’t be a bad thing as we shouldn’t (as long as things don’t change too much in the economy) lose any money with buying and selling. So if things didn’t go well in that 2 years we could sell up and go our different ways? If things were good then we could look to get the bigger house so we can start to have children of our own and move forward as a family.
If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. If anyone has any questions then feel free to ask away.
Thanks,
Ryan
Hi Ryan,
It's a difficult situation, starting again when you've had children.
I've been through a similar situation, I met someone and we got on great, but she wasn't keen on the situation i was in, and tended to stay away during contact.
Unfortunately, in the end it became too much for her to deal with, and we parted ways...
I guess it can be difficult for people who haven't had their own children, or been through the situation, to understand it?
My suggestion would be to sit down and talk things through with your girlfriend, as it sounds as though you are both potentially coming from different viewpoints, and perhaps not looking for the same things from the property.
I would also be concerned about the comment regarding your girlfriend stopping at her parents' house sometimes when having contact with your son... It is not necessarily negative - she could simply be trying to ensure you and your son have some time to yourselves without her being involved. But equally, it could be that she is reluctant to be involved with your son, and sees it as "you and him, and then her". If the latter is the case, then you really need to look at dealing with the issues before even contemplating buying a property together.
Just my two cents, but I'd say the first port of call would be to have a chat with your partner, and clear the air about the situation.
All the Best,
BD.
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