[Solved] Marrige Intimacy Issues after Baby- Help help

Hi Dan.

You seem to be in a bit of a predicament. Many relationships go wonky after the rose-tinted spectacles wear off and couples see each other for who they really are. I think everyone puts on their best face when they meet someone new and we do our best to impress - often people decide to have children before they've really settled in with each other and realise they have quirks and behaviours that they didn't know were there. Moving in together, having children, dealing with the day to day chores and seeing the same face every day can all wear a relationship down. You're not alone - I think there are very few relationships where people don't argue after the first couple of years. Some relationships even thrive on it.

But the horse has already bolted and you've found yourself in a situation that you wasn't expecting. The only question now is what to do about it.

You say you love your wife and daughter, that she is a good housewife and there don't seem to be any financial problems. You say that you have mild arguments but they result in not talking for a few days. It could be worse - you could be at each others throats and tearing each other to pieces. Most of the guys on this forum have got to the point where they've separated and are going through a pretty hard time with courts and access to children issues. It's not a pleasant place to be.

When you met your partner, you were attracted to each other for a reason or reasons. It seems that you've both forgotten those reasons. Maybe you both wanted something that you couldn't have or maybe you just had lots of fun going out together. Whatever the reasons were, you need to find them again. See each other for the people that you were when you met. You say that you have frustration and resentment and that you argue because of these. Maybe your wife feels the same. The point is that your wife can feel that resentment - it's not going to be attractive to her. She's not going to want to sleep with someone with such negative feelings other than to keep the peace. I think you both need to get to the point where [censored] is a natural thing that occurs because you both want to - you need to see each other as attractive fun people who have fun in bed.

I think you both need to re-invent yourselves and your relationship. Talk to each other and find a way to resolve your differences without arguing. Spend time together in ways that you both find are interesting or fun. Do your own thing when you have to, whether that's playing computer games or going for a pint with the lads, or for her just having a meal with her friends. You can't live under each others feet all the time.

You also need to manage your expectations of each other. You have to accept that relationships have their ups and downs.

Here's what I'd do. It's only a start but you have to start somewhere. Choose a day sometime in the near future. Plan something nice. It doesn't have to be a cruise or have fireworks. Just something where you can both relax. Buy her some flowers, arrange a babysitter, and tell her (even if you think she's totally in the wrong and she's a complete moron) that you're sorry for being such a grump, that you don't want to argue, that you love her and that she and your daughter are your world. That you want to find ways of fixing things. Bite the bullet, swallow your pride, and make an effort. That's what relationships are about - they take effort. It doesn't matter what you plan as long as it's something that makes her happy, even if it's something you don't particularly like doing - whether it's just doing the garden for her or going for a walk in the park. Just make her feel wanted, special, even if it's only for one night. You'd be amazed what a difference it can make. Some of the other members are giving me advanced lessons in how to use a washing machine - if only I'd known while I was still in a relationship! 🙂

Even if you manage to sort things out for a few days, it's a few days where you can manage to see each other in a different light. Maybe even see each other for the people you were when you met. Sometimes that's all couple need - to kickstart their relationship again on new terms - sometimes it works for a long time. Also, as far as [censored] is concerned, it could be that it's not you - she might just feel unattractive. Buy her some sexy lingerie and tell her you think she's gorgeous. Maybe one or both of you are bored and need to try something new - ask her if there's anything she'd like to try, if there's anything she likes or doesn't like. Maybe she's lost her figure and isn't as slinky as she was, but you have to remember that she lost her figure to bear your daughter. Love her for it. Isn't it a small sacrifice to pay for having a lovely daughter?

But again you have to manage your expectations. It's not going to be rosy forever. You will have problems, you will have arguments, there will be days (or weeks) when she just feels lousy and think's you're as attractive as a wasp chewing a bulldog. And vice versa. Don't decide that you've had a couple of months of bliss and you should start having more children - you could be in the same boat in a year or two and realise it was a temporary fix. That you still want out.

It's about maintaining a level of happiness that you can both live with. About bringing up your daughter in an environment that's safe and happy. You have to decide if you can spend the rest of your life with her and your daughter or if things are just so bad that it would be better for everyone if you were apart. And you have to decide if being in another relationship in the future would make you just as unhappy, being without your daughter, possibly having someone else's children in your life or new children of your own, maybe her ex knocking on the door every few days. I don't know. I think what I'm trying to say is, is what you have now good enough or better than things could be in the future. People often say be careful what you wish for. It's true - could you handle splitting up, your wife being with someone new, living with another man who would be partially bringing up your daughter if things got serious.

Whew, I wasn't expecting to write so much. Good luck. Put some effort in and see how things go. I don't think things are so bad for you that they can't be fixed.

Hi There,
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I think I agree with certain aspects of the above answer, but there are some areas where I would adjust my approach.
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I do think that you need to make some effort into making things work (if that's what you decide you want) but how you go about that may not be as is suggested above.
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I'm not saying that wouldn't work I don't know your full situation or your partner and how she thinks.....but then i guess there is an aspect that you don't know what she thinks.
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I feel that you may need to make her feel special, as a pesron, make her feel loved as a person...I say as a person, rather than a mum or a wife, as I think they are different things, you fell in love as two people, but things have changed. I think buying flowers is a good idea, but ensure that she knows that they are just a gift and that you aren't expecting anything in return. Lots of men fall into the buying flowers becuase they have either done something wrong or becuase they want something to happen in the bedroom. It makes buying flowers more of an excuse than a gift.
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I wouldn't buy sexy undies for her as again that can be related to you just wanting one thing from her, and I know that is something that you do want, but I feel that maybe your approach should be different, make her feel special in different ways, sexy undies are in my oppinion for when things are going well in that area and you want to spice things up.
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If you buy flowers and undies and are wanting [censored] in exchange she is only going to resent it even more than she may do now.
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I would suggest some counselling, I know from experience that the councellor will bring up your [censored] life and discuss that with you both, it may be that your wife will open up and say what she feels and then you have something to work on.
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GTTS

Hi there

Intimacy is so important in a healthy relationship and I can fully understand your frustrations and doubts.

If your [censored] life, pre baby, was good, then there must be an underlying reason for her reluctance. Was the birth particularly tough, were there any complications? This can often be a reason for intimacy to stop...fear of getting pregnant again.

Has having a baby changed her appearance, has she put on weight? Again this can have a big effect on her self esteem/confidence and this may be what is putting her off.

I think it's important to explore what's going on and if you can't sit and talk in depth, the best way is to seek relationship counselling. This can be done online, over the phone, it doesn't have to be face to face with the counsellor. Here's a link to Relate, it might help you to,make first contact and see what your options are.

www.relate.org.uk

It's a good sign that you're looking for solutions, you obviously want to put things right, but inevitably if you can't find solutions together it will drive you further apart. Perhaps you should show her this post and try and get some serious dialogue going, if she knows just how important this issue is to your relationship surviving, she may agree to put more effort into finding a solution with you.

All the best

Dan,

It sounds a frustrating situation and I think you've lost how to be intimate with each other without having to bump the uglies. And intimancy is the thing that forms the core of any realtionship. It's how you show your appreciation, support and your love for one another.
How often to you just hug her? Hold hands? Go to sleep in each other arms (and wake up at 2 in the morning with cramp)? Go up to her and gently kiss the back of her neck? You need these little bits of physical contact to re-affirm your relationship. It's how you let the other one know you're there, thinking about them.
Stop worrying about how often you are having [censored] - worry about how often your OH feels your arms around her, how she feels supported by you - you both need that re-assurance - if you have intimacy the [censored] will follow....

And help her around the house, give her the night off - it's all about date nights - if you can't cook get a take away in, clear up after the meal, buy a nice bottle of wine - she may be doing a brilliant job but it has to be appreciated - also sometiimes it's nice to feel like you're not the only one doing everything...

smudge73