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Hi All
I'm not sure where to start and even how this is going to be perceived but I feel as though my life is slowly crumbling around me and I'm getting to the point where I actually wonder if there is any point going on and who ultimately over time would care if I just disappeared for good. I will apologise in advance for what could be a lengthy and no doubt dull read but I feel I need to start somewhere as this has been building up for a few years now.
Three years ago I split up with my ex who was two months pregnant (unplanned) with our second child. The first child, my amazing son, is now just over 7. Following the split there was initially regular contact with my son and I attended the hospital appointments with my ex during the pregnancy. Just after my daughter (who I have only seen twice) was born my ex started to make it difficult for me to see my son. This also coincided with me telling her about my new partner (thought it only fair she heard from me rather than someone else). For a few more months I was still speaking to my son and seeing him reasonably regularly but on the morning of a planned visit would often get a text saying he was ill or that plans had changed and that I couldn't see him. I was also receiving regular if not daily texts (and still do) saying what a bad person I was and how could I live with myself for not being there with them and that she is only one step away from meddling with my new relationship. I now haven't seen my son for 18 months. The relationship with my ex was very up and down and it should probably have never been anything more than a fling. I strongly believe that if we didn't have our son together we would have split up not that long after we got together. She fell pregnant after we had been together for less than six months. Since splitting and even though I don't see the children I still pay the mortgage, some bills and give her 20% of my salary in cash and share any bonus payments with her (she certainly does all right financially from me!). If she asks for more money and I refuse she says she will make my life difficult so I often relent. In addition to the abusive texts about me she also sends me messages claiming my partner is cheating etc. I know those to be ridiculous statements because I 100% trust my partner and know she wouldn't cheat but also my ex and partner have no common interests/links let alone friends of friends etc. My ex also sends abusive messages to my mum and has banned her from seeing the children yet still allows my dad access. My mum has often thought my ex has mental health issues. Sorry this is dragging on.
I hoped that after a short period of not seeing my son commonsense would prevail and access would be sorted mutually. I didn't want to come along all heavy handed throwing money at city lawyers. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I should have done that. As time passed by weeks turned into months and I have nothing but let my son down (and daughter though not knowing her I feel it hard to make reference to her) and am really struggling to cope with the feeling of complete failure in that respect. My partner has been nothing but supportive and has been pushing me take more forceful action and can't understand why I don't. To be honest, I'm not sure why I haven't and that is something else I am struggling to live with and points to yet another major failure on my behalf. I guess (horribly) my new life took over but a day hasn't passed when I haven't thought about my son. My partner doesn't know about the abusive texts and slanderous messages I get from my ex. Again, I wish I had talked to my partner about this and then maybe she could have understood why I tip-toed around my ex. Maybe I'm just a weak pathetic person.
Things then took another turn for the worse last month. My partner (now fiance) and I completed on a house purchase and then one week later I lost my job after a witch hunt (I am suing). I'm struggling to cope with the injustice of this and am desperately trying to find an equivalent position but that is taking time and my partner is beginning to think I'm not doing enough and that I should be doing more particularly as I have the children to pay for. My ex is also, understandably, worrying and hounding me as she fears loosing the house she lives in if I can't make the mortgage payments on that property let alone fund her car and give her a slug of cash each month. Then this week, on Tuesday, my partner got home from work and told me she doesn't see a future for us and that she has lost respect for me for not driving forward more assertively to see my son and how can we possibly think about children when her only point of reference regarding my ability as a father is someone who seemingly walked out of his sons life. She therefore doesn't believe I will be a good father and we should split. We have spent this weekend apart and she confirmed by text yesterday that she will not be changing her mind and that can I move out of the house as soon as I can. She tells me she still loves me and can't imagine not waking up next to me but the issue regarding me not driving forward access for my children has made her change her mind about me. I am beyond devastated and completely heart broken.
So, in a nutshell, I have no access to my children and I can only take responsibility for that and coping with that is now tearing me apart. I have nothing but failed my son and all I want is to see him again and build the relationship back up with my fiance helping me. I should have stood up to my ex. I have lost my job. My fiance has just split up with me. I have basically lost everything. I can't express how much I love my fiance and how much of a rock she has been in the past and how she is my best friend. I have failed my son. I now wonder what the [censored] is the point of anything and maybe I should just disappear for good. My son will no doubt get a new 'daddy' and my daughter has never known me and my beautiful fiance will undoubtedly find someone else who can offer her everything she wants.
Sorry if this has dragged on but I am at a complete loss with my life crumbling (if not crumbled) around me. Last night waiting for a tube train home I seriously thought about stepping off the platform but stopped myself. I'm worried that next time I might not stop myself and believe that could be best round for all.
D
Hi D
I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. How awful that everything has come at once, no wonder you are finding it difficult.
You've come to the right place and hopefully we can support you through this. Please don't beat yourself up about the lack of contact with your children...sometimes the mother can make it so difficult to maintain contact and it seems to me she has worn you down with all the texts and slanderous comments. See it for what it is, she was ok before you moved on with a new partner, this is jealousy pure and simple! She has set out to hurt and demoralise you and it seems to have worked....all is not lost though D. Your children deserve to have their daddy in their life and its not too late to put that right.
I think the final straw is your fiancée's decision to end the relationship...she says she still loves you so perhaps there's still a chance to put things right. I think you need to be honest to her about the pressures put on you by the ex and the way this made you feel... Tell her you understand her position and that you are going to put it right. Even if getting back together can't happen right now, if she sees you being proactive she may come round.
For now I think it's important that you concentrate on yourself and getting back on track. Have you got family or friends that you can talk to and ask for some support?
It always helps to have someone to talk through your problems with and we are here to help where we can.
Hi D,
Wow, no wonder you are feeling so low at the moment. I'm sorry that you and your partner have split. It sounds as if you have felt powerless with the mother of your children. I would imagine that I would be feeling low in your situation as well.
If your fiancé still says she loves you and can't imagine not waking up next to you, it sounds it's if not all is lost. It sounds as if the two of you need a really good talk, with both of you listening to the others point of view. Maybe relationship counselling might be an idea. If you are both willing to put the effort in ( and it sounds like you might be) the maybe with the support of a trained counsellor you might be able to find a way forward.
The most important thing at the moment is to make sure you're looking after yourself. If you keep having these negative thoughts about hurting yourself then you need to see your GP.
Keep talking.
Gooner.
Hi D
How's things?
Thanks for the comments Nannyjane and Goonerplum.
Nice to know some people out there are prepared to listen. At the moment just in bits trying to work out why my relationship failed with my fiance and how can I get her back into my life. Her support was so important to me in trying to resolve things with my children. Your comments Nannyjane have reinforced my thoughts that my ex wore me down and I think I was cowardly not to stand up to her and foolish not to involve my fiance. I just want an opportunity to try and explain things to my fiance.
Thank you. Not the happy Easter I was expecting.
D
Thanks D
I so understand how you must be feeling and I don't think you are being fair to yourself by labelling yourself as cowardly! Hindsight is a wonderful thing but unfortunately we are only human and sometimes we can get things wrong, but for the best of reasons! You didn't involve your fiancée, not because you wanted to deceive but because you wanted to protect her.
I think it might help your situation with your fiancée if you start taking an active role as far as your children are concerned, I know you want to do that for you and the kids anyway. Show her you can stand on your own two feet and get back on track...trust and respect have to be earned and you need to remind her of the man she first fell in love with!
Get yourself to mediation and leave it to the mediator to ask your ex to attend, this is the first step....rather than talk to your fiancee and say "this is what I'm going to do..." Far better to say "you were right and I lost sight of that for a while, this is what I am doing to put it right..."
...funding for Mediation is still available if on benefits or a low income and you can check that here
www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid
Here's a link to the mediation service, if you live any distance away from the ex and kids then its better to choose a mediator that is near to where she lives.
www.nfm.org.uk
D,
I've read your comments and irrespective of anything else you might be thinking, your first task must be to focus on YOU, and sort out the very understandable, but ultimately devastating and dangerous, negative chatter going on in your mind, and clearly articulated in your post.
You've been through a [censored] of lot. I had 8 years of IVF, donor eggs (x2), surrogacy (x1) and attempted but failed to become longer term adoptive parents of two very damaged little souls. At the end of all that, we ran into financial difficulties, I most certainly began experiencing depression, my company went into receivership, we had to sell our house, everything spent, we ended up in a rental, and then we separated and divorced, all within four years. Four years on, I am still clearing debt, still renting, re-married and have two children, Darcey will be four and Alex two in September. Essentially, stretched but happier than I have ever been. my point is, you will come through this.
My advice is simple:
1. You. Get professional help for you from a trained counsellor, absolutely essential, through your GP, don't do the masculine thing and bury your head (I didn't and it saved me). Nothing else will end well unless you can get your mind and soul back in balance. If you're having thoughts, dangerous, black thoughts, you need to do this ASAP, Promise to go to your GP. (I sat in mine's office for half an hour crying my heart out in floods of tears - boy it felt good, and I never looked back).
2. Strategy. With your counsellor, you'll need to ensure you get strategies to cope, strategies to survive for all of the spheres in your life.
3. Ex-wife. Formally write to your ex-stating you intention will be to support your family to the best of your endeavours. Explain your predicament and ask for her patience. Don't enter into any other dialogue. My point here is to establish a clear willingness to continue with your responsibilities, when economics permit, and that it's not through any lack of desire on your part. This is to ensure that evidence is available to establish your intentions and commitment, for future reference.
4. Mediation. Others have suggested this, but full blown mediation with your wife to resolve access issues would be essential for any court in the future. Remember, you are not a bad father, that would require something wholly very unpleasant. Your a dad who's tried to accommodate and be reasonable, too reasonable in order to keep the peace. As a consequence, you're now feeling the pressure psychologically and feeling like a failure.
5. Communicate. Inform your finance of your decisive action plans, and seek her direct support and involvement - you need her to make it all come together...
Remember your children need their father, alive. It matters to them that you do everything you can to continue to take a keen and active role in their lives.
Now, good luck, and let us all know how you get on. Prayers for you, and for your success in resolving this horrific situation and finding the strength to come through.
David
Hi David (and others)
Again, many thanks for your comments and kind words. I certainly took comfort in your storey David and boy you had a bad time but what a lovely ending.
Thanks Nannyjane about the possibility of legal aid for mediation. I will look into that.
I will make an appointment this week to see my GP and talk things through. Unfortunately when my fiance got back last night after the weekend away with her family to think about things she has now confirmed that we are to split up. I tried to tell her about things and reassure of the decisive actions I will be taking this time round but she said it is now to little and to late. I am devastated as you can imagine. I have now lost my rock and best friend and she wants me to move out within two weeks because she'll find it painful having me around - talk about timing! Looks like in my mid to late 30's I could be sofa surfing. In a short few weeks I have gone from a good job and an amazing fiance to having nothing. Were the [censored] did it all go wrong. She had to stop me walking out the front door last and doing what I'm not quite sure at this stage.
Thanks again everyone.
D
Hey mate I can relate to this post completely I know how you feel man I was thinking of ways to commit suicide this time last year, I had a very long chat with the samaritans and they were amazing I started to sort myself out from then on, I too was grieving from the end of my relationship with the mother of my daughter I had an amazing job and was happy where I was living and lost everything, I went to see my gp who said I must think of myself and distance myself from my ex to give myself a bit of breathing space which I did.
Everyday is still a battle but I found myself a new job and worked like a dog to keep myself busy which has helped, I gave up smoking cannabis started eating and sleeping properly gave up smoking and really concentrated on myself for a change as it was pointed out to me that I was a mess by a friend and that I would be good to no one especially my daughter if I was dead, on drugs or got myself locked up.
So I'd say take good care of yourself, jack any vices, find a hobby or anything to keep you busy, eat well sleep well and stay positive you have to be 🙂
Hi D
There are plenty of dads on here (like David) who have been through [censored] and come out the other side - a lot of it is up to you to get yourself in the right place, so as others above have advised, get as much help as you can and need, and hopefully in time this will all be something that fades like a bad dream.