[Solved] It's over... What could you have done better!

I knew things were not as they should be for months and tried to involve my ex so we could find a soloution but I guess she didnt want to.

I asked her to arrange some counceling which she didnt do and when I did she went to 2 sessions and then told me it was over.

Regards,

Dave

.....it looks like you tried to sort it out Dave. To put it right it takes both parties making an effort.

How did you find the counselling? After only two sessions its hard to evaluate the standard of the counselling you received but would you say that it could have been effective had you both carried on with it?

Hi NJ,

Would it have been effective....I think so.

The councellor was a specialist dealing with strokes and head injuries and so has a very good understanding of situations like ours where one has the injury and the other is a carer.

I actually still see the councillor now and he has been a great help in understanding my ex's behaviour. The unfortunate thing is he believes that she is psychotic and having a breakdown but I have been unable to convince the court to consider any of his opinion and he is cautious about sticking his head above the parapit as he only saw her a few times.

Still....final hearing 7-10 January so there will be some sort of decision come the end of that.

Regards,

Dave

Yep, I've been there twice before.

First time, we'd both mooted the idea and the time finally seemed right for me when I started looking elsewhere (didn't act on it at first) and when I suggested to my wife that I wanted it to end, the time just seemed right for both of us, so it was amicable, we agreed everything in advance and paid a solictor (her cousin, as it happend) £50 to do the paperwork and that was it. No children involved, so it was just us, and we never fell out, we just didn't want to be married to each other (and have remained friends ever since).

Second time was different - my ex had told me lots of times she wanted out, but never really meant it (I think). However, with her constant drinking (from before I met her - I didn't drive her to it 😀 ), I started unconsciously setting myself up to leave - it could possibly have gone on for a couple of years, but in the end, certain events made me realise there was never going to be a good time, and I just told her I'd had enough - and suddenly, a massive weight was lifted from me. The divorce wasn't pleasant, and cost quite a bit in fees, but was definitely the best for me, and I thought for the kids (no more constant fighting) staying with her. I never had any doubt at all that I was better off, and no thought that I'd made a mistake or to try to make another go of it.

Two years later, I fought to get residence of the kids, and won, and since then life has just got better and better.

I too have been there,

Things were bad for a long time, the ex was very controlling and I couldn't even make an arrangment for us all to meet anyone at a certian ti,e without it being an issue (even after being told to just arrange it)

I guess what I learnt from it was not to just make do, I should have left long before I did actually leave, in the end it was the most ridiculous arguement that actually brought it all to a head and I walked out, as actd has said there was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and although that then brought on the darkest period of my life it was still the best thing I did.

So from that I learnt that I should have left a good many years before I actually did!!

GTTS

well hello guys im new here and this is just the topic that is badgering me at the mo but the thing is there is still an unborn baby in the middle of it .which is my major mis function in my decisions on to lave my wife as she is just as all of you are describing yours to be or was . i too know that in all heart of hearts that i would be better of leaving my dark cloud that hangs over me and getting on with my life as i know that it would be better of for me the kids and the newborn due in feb .for a start i know that my new baby will be better off with me as mummy is [censored] bent on working 24 7 and handing the baby over to her mum for the next 5 years as she did with her last child . this is not what i want at all and then there seeing the child and in doing this bringing back all the past and then seeing if there is still a chance and this i do not want as well as it would be blind love all the time and it would be one sided as it always has been .but before all of that happens what do i do right now is it te case of just leaving her as i still do not want to leave her high and dry as i know it would be this way as she has nothing just the clothes that she walked into my life with. or do i just leave her to it and hope that she doesnt adopt that baby to someone else just to get rid of him and wind me up as she knows that this would really annoy me or do i wait ans see if this will turn out alright which i know it wont ! so as you can see i am really confused as to what i should do right now and as much as i am looking for help i just can not get my had around carrying on with it i just want it all to disappear so al of this and keeping my head on is kind of a biiiig crux in my life right now and looking at your topics is telling me already what i know and what i need to do but whereis the first step and how to make sure nothing happens to baby while i'm taking that step boy this is the most difficult situ i have ever been in that includes worse than the war zones i've battled in so if any one can help me or give me a directonto am=im for it would be soooo much appreciated thank you v much guys and gals and have a nice day

That's a tricky situation to be in. Is there any chance at all that counselling (eg relate) could help the situation at all? If not, then you could start planning for the future to make sure you and your children are in the best possible position for when you do actually call it a day - if you do it now, your wife may well fight to keep the baby, and for the first few months, the baby will be dependent on the mother.

If you go to the top of this page you will see a band in green with the title "Splitting up? ...Create a plan that puts your kids first" it might be worth giving this app a go. It might help you to focus and at least have a clearer picture of how to move things forward.

You are in a very difficult situation but what I am reading is that you want to end the relationship but can't because of the unborn baby. I get that you feel life would be easier all round for you all if you were to split up. The only reason you are staying is because you fear that she will reject the baby to get back at you.

As actd has suggested, I think Relate would be a good idea, they aren't just for couples working through a bad patch, they are also there to help make the process of splitting up easier for all concerned.

Does your wife know how you feel? Does she express the wish to end the relationship also?

She could be highly hormonal and reactive at the moment, was this something that affected her during her previous pregnancy?

February is not too far away and I think for the moment it would be better to stay for the sake of the child. She is quite heavily pregnant and being left at this point will make things more difficult for her which will reflect onto the child. Try and keep yourself busy, give her plenty of space and do your best not to react to her unreasonable behaviour. It would be good if you could sit down and discuss with her how you are feeling and try and discover if she feels the same. Perhaps if you are both of the same mind you could both talk about what to do next and how to achieve that in the least painful way.

Staying for the moment doesn't mean you can't make plans to split once the baby is born. You will need to think about accommodation that will be suitable for you and the kids when they are with you. Think about how much contact you would like and how best to achieve that.