Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I was texting someone flirty inappropriate messages with sexual conotations and I'm married?
I have been texting a woman that my wife and I hang out with in the same group. she started texting me like this and at first i ignored them but over time i started to participate back. The messages were flirty and sexual in content, nothing really explicit just like dirty joking, playing off of a phrase or something. I never had any intent for this to go past the text messaging. I am not even attracted to this woman physically. I have never flirted with her in person and it has never become physical. I guess when this was going on I just liked the attention. to me it was like being in a chat room online, although I know the person and know what they look like I wasn't really thinking of them when I was messaging, it was more about the messages themselves, not who was behind them. I didn't realize the impact this would have on my marriage. My wife and I are trying to work through this but she is having a hard time understanding why I was messaging like this. She doesn't understand how I participated in this messaging but had no desires for this woman. How do I explain this to her, that it wasn't the woman it was the messages. she says it makes no sense, am I crazy? Does it not make any sense at all?
I'm afraid that what is happening now is something you should have foreseen when you started this - look at it from your wife's perspective, how can she possibly understand that you weren't intending to do more than just message, and as you say, if it was for the attention, being honest, what would (or might) you have done if the opportunity arose for it to progress further?
I would suggest that you consider going to Relate - let's face it, if everything was perfect at home, you wouldn't have entertained the idea of continuing this texting, so it may be that there are some root causes you need to sort out.
I think your response actd is a bit harsh as no matter what our relationship status is like we all like a bit of attention and it is far more valuable to us if it comes from someone other than our partner. No it probably isn't appropriate and his wife will have trouble getting over this (as did mine, and still not sure she has) but we are all still people in our own right. My TEXT chat started with an old friend who I had not seen since school some 20 years ago. She wasn't allowed to use facebook by her husband (should have been a clue there) so we spoke over text and they were not even flirty but it was someone who wanted to talk to me, not as a Dad or a husband or as a mate down the pub but someone who was interested in me. There was no root cause as you put it or something that needed fixing as it wasn't something my wife could offer, if was chatting and TXNDAD probably took this for being a release from the daily grind and a bit of escapism. Try to work through it if you can but good luck.
Nobody is judging here...I think your case is a little different as there was no sexual innuendo/flirtation involved and your wife didnt know the woman. The fact that you had known this woman from school would be upsetting for your wife and I can understand why she would feel threatened by it. I 'm glad you are working through it but just the fact that you are on the defensive about it suggests that you havent fully accepted that what you did was wrong...as I said I'm not judging here, its just my opinion 🙂
Friends Reunited and Facebook have a lot to answer for and have been the cause of countless break ups! did you make contact throught one of these networking sites?
Sorry wjo if it seemed a little harsh, it wasn't intended to be so, but merely looking at this from a wife/partners point of view. I agree it is nice that someone else shows an interest in you, but it's what you do with that which causes the problem. If you tell your wife/partner, then there is nothing hidden, and if she's uncomfortable with it, then you should stop - ultimately, the relationship you have should be the most important thing, and concealing this sort of thing is bound to make your wife wonder whether it really is, and whether she can trust you again.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.