[Solved] I need some help

Hello JWC,

You are NOT, quote, "a terrible person and a terrible dad." Neither should you feel, quote, "incredible guilty." By thinking this of yourself you are punishing yourself needlessly.

Both you and your wife must be extremely tired. Concentrate on getting as much sleep as you can and eating properly. A very important factor is for you and your wife to communicate, openly and affectionately with one another. Make time for each other, however short a time it may be each day.

I believe that with having twins, double the work, your life has changed dramatically over the last 18 months and that you have not given yourself time to readjust fully but you will.

I believe having babies is an emotional roller coaster.

First, there is the excitement, anticipation and concern during the pregnancy.

Second, the birth, the help initially offered, the fuss everyone makes which only lasts for a few weeks. After which there then can be what I call a "flat period." By which I mean all the excitement and fuss is over with and then begins the hard work.

Third, the reality that life has changed completely from what it was before. The responsibility which can be daunting and make us feel trapped and as a consequence guilty for how we feel. It is no wonder we can feel uncomfortable and think at times we want to go back to our comfort zone which is the life we had before.

Fourth, children grow so quickly in a short space of time and as they do, the hard work, being over tired will reduce considerably and disappear along with the unwanted feelings you are having at present.

Fifth, you have with your children, in the very near future, a lot of fun and laughter coming your way. You probably cannot see it at the moment but allow yourself to believe that you and your wife can create a new and happy family life together.

Sixth, be patient and kind to yourself. You and your wife need to rekindle the love and affection which is there but is probably not coming to the fore at present as much as it needs to, due to both of you being extremely tired.

I agree with everything MoaF has posted above. One thing in your post, you feel as though you are depressed - I would get yourself to a GP and talk about this, it may be that a short course of medication may be all (or part of) you need to get you back on track.

Agree with all of the above.

Def second a trip to the GP. Medication can work wonders these days.

It's incredibly hard work becoming parents and often takes a lot of adjusting.

Go easy on yourself. Make sure you're eating properly and maybe try to have an open chat with your wife.

Thank you for your responses, i really appreciate them. It's great to know that I can get advice here so please know that I am grateful for your time and thoughts.

I have decided to go and see a GP about depression and I've recently spoken to the charity calm, who talked to me about CBT therapy which i think might be the way forward. I feel like i need to gain some control over my feelings and reactions to feeling this way to improve my life and the lives of my wife and the twins.

If anyone has any tips on ways of coping with feeling irritable i'd love to hear them. It's usually when I feel irritable the whole spiral starts which causes problems at home and leaves me feeling the lowest. I can't even claim to be being rational sometimes and i hate it, so any advice would be appreciated.

I've been really reticent to consider anti depressants before, and still am to an extent, but I'll speak with my GP and take it from there. It would be great to hear from anyone who has had any first hand experience of their effects. To be honest, i'm frightened of them and how they might affect me overall. I know they can help with the really low moods, but i don't want to lose the feeling of really happy either, which i do feel from time to time. What i know about their effects is pretty limited, so if anyone can shed some light on the subject that would be great.

Thanks again.

Hello JWC,

It would appear both you and I have the same personal thoughts and feelings with regard to taking anti depressants. However, I do not sit in judgement or be critical of those who take them as each person is an individual and what suits one person does not necessarily suit another.

I personally prefer to get to the root of the problem through understanding and learning coping strategies which work for me. The coping strategies are what you discover are applicable to you and you alone as another persons may not work for you. I have recognized and practised these as they have enabled me to disregard the negative thoughts, be more positive, enabled me to recognize the root of the problem and to cope and deal with whatever it is that has caused the symptoms of anxiety and / or depression.

Two of my personal coping strategies which work for me.
An important one has been to learn to "float." This takes a bit of practise but as a negative thought appears, it precipitates an unwanted emotion. The negative thought can be so fleeting that it is initially difficult to recognize. It unexpectedly pops into your head but with practise I have learnt to recognize it and let it "float" away, I pay no heed to it. Consequently it has no adverse effect by causing an unwanted emotion, therefore, avoiding anxiety / depression.

Another of my coping strategies is diversion which is a calming influence for me and puts things in proportion . I remove myself from a situation albeit for a short period and return to what I feel are my roots. Those being nature and the countryside, my leveller! It is my guide through life. The beauty I see in it, how it functions, the animals, birds, insects, plants and how they all interact and serve a purpose in our lives. Nature, for me, serves as a fascinating diversion and a representation of simplicity, my yardstick. The irony being it is an enigma but I do not choose to pursue the depths of science concerning it.

For me Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be my choice and I would, if deciding to go down that route, hope to get a good qualified therapist.

I cannot stress enough the adverse effect sleep deprivation can have on a person. It provides fertile ground for anxiety and depression to flourish. I have on occasion requested a short course of sleeping tablets which I found beneficial.

Take heart in the fact there isn't anything in life stays the same. It may be a grey day today but tomorrow the sun may shine.

I am not a great fan of anti-depressants as a long term solution, but over the short term, I think it can get you out of a hole so you can then manage the issues without medication (however, I do accept that I may be wrong with respect to long term medication - it's just my own personal view) and I think that's what you need to address at the moment, by whatever means your GP and you think best.

Thank you both. I’m looking into CBT. I definitely need to find a way to cope with my mood changes. The idea of floating seems like a good one. I’ll look into that more, thanks.

The other idea is kind of part of the problem for me. I feel like I can’t even find a minute to myself to enjoy anything else and it’s a huge thing on my mind. The idea of removing myself seems impossible at the moment and I know it’s not forever, but I can’t seem to see past it.

I’ve made an appointment with my GP to discuss all options. I’m still sceptical about medication but I’ll see what they have to say. I’m not ruling out anything at the moment.

Thanks again, I appreciate your time and advice.

Hello JWC,

When in my previous message I said, quote, "I remove myself from a situation albeit for a short period.....," I was meaning that for ten minutes I may go for a brisk walk, play a piece of music which I find uplifting or take my binoculars to see what birds I can spot. This gives me a short break from whatever I find stress inducing at the time and refreshes me sufficiently to return to what I was previously doing particularly as I have learnt the skill of "floating." As I said before, we are all different and it is what you discover works for you.

Along with the importance of "floating" another thing for me is to deny the word "if" exists. By acknowledging its' existence and using the word, I would be looking backwards, in so doing, I would not be looking to a happy future and what joys lay ahead which is where we all want to be but I would be living in the past with regrets, feeling miserable, not accepting the present and unable to look towards the future.

When suffering, my aim is:-
1) Facing.
2) Accepting.
3) Floating.
4) Letting time pass.
I believe these four actions to be the pathway to healing.

I am sending you a Private Message in the hope that what I have written may make more sense to you.

Thanks again. I feel at the moment I am very quick to fall into a hole and think that nothing good can happen in the future. It’s all very bleak. Then I read replies like this and simply talk to people and the cloud clears and everything seems like it will be ok.

I’m keen to try everything I can to try and make things better for me and my family, so thank you for all of your tips.

I’ve been to see my GP who was very reassuring and offered help too. It’s great to know that there are people out there who can help in these situations. I’ve seen your message and will reply separately. Thank you.