[Solved] I need perspective

*LONG POST ALERT

Hi,

At school I was bullied and I dreaded going to school, I was physically bullied most day, and called all sorts of names. My mum realised something was wrong and I blamed it on someone I knew wouldn't get into trouble. The bullying carried on until I left school A month before I turned 16, I met a lady on the one night out I had at that age. I worshiped her, as it was a way to get me out of the situation at school. She was good for me for a while. At school, I was always good at Maths, so after finishing my A-levels, thought the next logical thing to do was to go to University. I hated school (and was bullied), wasn't happy in the relationship (but stayed in it as without her I had no one), so thought Uni would be a fresh chance. But what to do at Uni? I opened the careers book, the first career was Accounting (it was alphabetical). I thought - that will do, I am good at Maths and anything at Uni will do. My then girlfriend went to Southampton University, so I applied for all the Universities in that area and ended up in Portsmouth Uni.

At Uni, I met some great friends, who I still consider my close friends. I wanted out of the relationship, but my then girlfriend found out her dad had a brain tumour and didn't have long to live, so I stayed with her. I finished Uni, got a good degree (2:1). The day I finished my exams, I finished with my girlfriend. We had drifted apart, I snooped in her emails, suspected she was cheating on me, and I didn't want to be in one relationship all my life. I then was applying for jobs. I wanted money, didn't know what I wanted to do, so applied for any and every accounting job. I got a great job in London. As in only the top maybe 1% of all accountants would get into - they usually only recruit from the likes of Oxford / Cambridge.

So when I left Uni, everything should have been ok. Except I was back home, with no friends and single. I was almost suicidal. I hated the job, but thought it would be best to stick it out, at least until I qualify, and then I would have a good base career to fall back on should I need to. I went out with an old school friend (the only one I had), and met a lady when out. She was much more attractive than my last, except my parents hated her. I enjoyed my time with her, but she then finished with me. I then almost instantly met someone else who I liked. I visited my old Uni mates and one of my friends lived with her. I didn't make a move on her, as I realised I needed time being on my own, I couldn't jump into another relationship. A year and a half later, we were out again and this lady was there again. We realised we both liked each other and fell in Love. That lady is now my wife.

Not long after we got together, I needed an operation that went wrong. I needed 3 ops and was off work for 3 months. We both moved into London together and I then passed my accounting exams. I was received a big payrise, but I was sick of London. I was sick of working to be honest, but when my then girlfriend lived on the coast in Portsmouth, every time I visited her, it seemed a much more relaxed way of life, with people leaving the office on time and enjoying their home life. We then found out that her job was moving from London to the south coast, so we though - why not move that way? Some of my Uni friends were there, her family were there, plus I should be able to get a job there easily.

I got a transfer with my current employees whilst I looked for another job (I wanted to change the role I was doing). I did find a job, but hated it, and was sacked after 3 months there. I was devastated. I did manage to secure a new role within a week in a start up company. Whilst there, we got engaged and were married, but after a year, the owner of the business died suddenly of a heart attack, a week before pay day. Terrifying times, with a mortgage to pay, but I held on and we managed to sell the business, but the new owners gave us a year before we were all redundant. Again I found a new role quickly for a firm in Portsmouth. The guy before me went on a 6 month sabbatical an basically never came back. I took over his role, but never fully, as the role was being covered by others. At the same time, my wife and I were struggling to conceive. After 2 years and various tests, it was clear we needed IVF. My wife and I nearly split up and to be honest, our relationship has never been the same since. We did undertake IVF and 4 years after being married, our first daughter was born. A year after, my company announced they were being sold. We were sold and a year later (2014) I was made redundant (again). 2 days prior to my last day at work, we discovered my with was pregnant again. Mixed emotions is an understatement. The phrase any port in a storm comes to mind, but I did get a new role quickly in a start up company.

So my last job was [censored]. I was having a bad time with work, I was difficult to live with and my relationship was suffering due to the job. I ended up quitting my job and was in counselling for a while. I finished the counselling which helped me deal with the issues I had with bullying an accepting who I am. Since the turn of the year (2017), things have been getting a lot better. I am now in a new job which I actually enjoy and I have been a lot happier and my wife and are are talking a lot more and things with my wife have improved... until early April.

We went round a friends house had a fantastic time (the best time I think we have had in ages), but when we got home (Gone midnight), my wife told me she didn't love me. She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids. She also said that i'm her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there. I said to her that I want her to be happy, even if that means splitting up and she said she didn't want to split up. I suggested counselling, and she was against that idea.

So since then, I have been working my hardest in the relationship to make things work, except it felt as if it was all me making the effort. I was planning date nights, helping more around the house, trying to be more positive arranging nights away and opening up more but I was not getting anything back from her. She was (and still is) going out with her friends and taking drugs until 5/6am at least once a month. It felt as if she simply didn't want to make an effort on us and her taking drugs kills me. I hate it and I have told her that.

In August, my wife basically forgot about our anniversary. After that, she flirted heavily with my best mate and then went away to a festival doing all sorts of drugs with her sister. It felt as if she had decided to give up on us and wanted to hurt me. My grandad then passed away and at his funeral (of all places) in Sept, we had a massive row about everything and I told her how unhappy she was making me. It basically almost split us up as I was angry and didn't approach the situation well. Since then, there has been no affection at all from her (not even a kiss) and the current situation is that she doesn't love me, but isn't sure if she wants to walk away or work on things. She tells me there is no romantic or sexual attraction anymore, although we still sleep together in the same bed, there is no physical affection.

So now I have started relate counselling on my own, to at least get my head straight and feel as if I am doing all I can to save the marriage and make it work. I do know that nothing can be saved with only one of us trying of course, but I am hoping that my wife will see a positive change in me and want to come to counselling with me and work on things. The counselling has really helped me, I have dealt with the issues with bullying and recognising the triggers to me anger and to control my emotions.

I have also been doing some heavy thinking. Trying to work out the cause of all this and where things have gone wrong. My wife has pointed to a few occasions whereby my behaviour changed and she didn't like what she saw. At first, I took note and the counselling is helping me control (a) my temper and (b) stop me making sarcastic / hurful remarks.

Since then, my wife and I have been talking a lot and I have persuaded her to go to counselling together. Her session on her own is 12th December. After that I guess we will start sessions as a couple. part of me thinks she is only doing this to pay me lip service, but I hope that she really does make an effort as she has a lot of issues she needs to get to the bottom of.

A bit of background to my wife:

Her real dad left when she was 5 and since then there has been no contact with him. the only thing she knows about him is his name. Her mum remarried to the dad she called dad that bought her up. When she was 20, they split up but before that they were going out a lot and she was basically a mother to her younger sister and brother. Then at uni, she lived with a boyfriend. She studied full time, at weekends and evenings worked in his parents shop to earn money, whilst he stayed in and took drugs all day and cheated on her several times. She only got out of it after her family helped her move out. So it is no wonder that she has issues opening up in a relationship and I am hoping that exploring this will help her get back to being a loving person and at least allow us time and effort to fall in love again.

So how am I feeling right now?

Well my current job is really good for me, I feel respected and valued and they are helping me through these issues.

However, at home things are [censored]. My wife has started paying more attention to the way she looks and daily she looks stunning. She is even wearing sexy underwear to make herself feel good about herself and it kills me seeing her everyday but not even getting a hug out of her. I think about suicide daily and although I know it is not the right answer, I often see it as the easiest way out. I have spoken to the doctor about this and I am on medication, but its not helping. I can't sleep at night (despite the medication) and I hate myself.

I don't believe in divorce and I truly believe that every relationship an be saved and the only reason they fail is that people give up. I still am trying my best to make my wife see the positive side to me, but I still can't understand how she has fallen out of love with me. Part of me thinks as she had a hard upbringing, she is reluctant to fully commit herself to any relationship and hates herself. That holding back means that she never fully falls in love and I hope counselling will help her.

So why am I posting this? Well I am hoping for positive stories about how things can work out. I am also hoping that by writing this down it will help get my head straight. I really hope that things work out for my wife and I but I will never give up on us, no matter how sad it makes me. I am not leaving the house or walking away.

Any comments welcome.