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Morning all,
Not quite sure where to start or who to talk to impartially about all this. Blokes aren't generally good talking about feelings but I'll have a go.
I've been with my wife now for over 10 years, we have a house and two (mostly) darling girls. I met my wife speed dating at a time when I just wanted someone to give something to me (had a few relationships where I gave a lot but it wasn't both ways). To begin with everything was good and it was me who wanted to get married! There were some bad times, my wife has a terrible temper that she can't control and when she lashes out it's really not good.
The power balance at the start was even, the first time she really laid into me I went out for a walk and she came to find me, distraught that I'd gone away. As time has gone by, that balance has shifted completely in her favour to the point that now it's always me backing down if we argue, me conceding the point. To give you an example, we were discussing an email that I should have received from my wife but didn't, I said she might not have sent it and ended up saying that could she just see my point that she might not? The next thing I know a cup of hot tea is thrown at me and smashes on the wall with my wife telling me I make her so angry..she leaves for work, I clean up the broken cup and mop up the tea and wonder 'is this what I want?' But then I think, my life isn't so bad, I have a nice car and other things but am I just in denial? Most of my life is spent cleaning the house and cleaning up after my wife.
I've been getting more and more down emotionally in general and would say I'm flat right now, not happy, not sad. We don't have [censored] any more although she tries to instigate which makes me feel guilty, this comes from two things, I'm not really attracted to her (horrible thing to say) and during trying for our second child (I only wanted one but she didn't care), it got so bad that once she even told me to just to fill a cup and she'd do the rest.
A week ago, a young woman came into my life in an unexpected way and she's sparked something in me that I can't explain but I've really started to think 'is this my life?' I've never cheated but someone beautiful showing an interest in me has really tested me and I don't know what to do. I really don't want to hurt my wife or let her be alone and I would miss my children if I did leave.
Am I just being stupid and emotional or could I really be unhappy?
Hi There,
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I think you are in a position where you are maybe looking for an escape, this lady that has shown you some attension has sparked an interest for you, if things at home were happy then you probably wouldn't have noticed.
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I think it could be good for you and your wife to look at getting some councelling be somewhere that you are able to talk openly about how you both feel and see if you can work though the issues you have, counselling can be an eye opener (ive been through it a few times) it can help resolve some issues, but like wise it can actually help you realise that the relationship isn't going anywhere and never will.
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I guess you need to decide whether being with your wife is what you really want, remove the thoughts of your children and your car and home, the car and home aren't really important, the children are but you shouldn't stay in a relationship just for the children as they will suffer in the long run when you aren't getting along with your partner.
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I think the biggest advice I can give at the moment (besides the above) is put some distance between you and this lady that has caused a spark, when you are feeling low it could be very easy to fall into something you really don't want to happen and there is no coming back from that.
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If you decide either through counselling or just from deep thought that you can't stay with your wife then you have lots of options for seeing your children and we can help and guide you through these, it won't be easy especially if your wife is controlling but you do have rights and as said we can help you with advice.
GTTS
Thankyou for responding and you do speak a lot of sense. I had a light discussion with my wife last night as she can tell I'm not happy right now. I didn't go into much detail but said I needed some time just to think things out without time constraints or my children running wild. I work at home at lot and with it being the school holiday I'm doing a fair bit of child care (we used to have an aupair who we had to let go for being plain horrible) and I do wonder if that in itself has worn me down...I'm not the most natural dad 🙁
I'm going to take some time in the coming weeks to think about things more. At the moment my wife is ok with me, almost a little too ok, like she's making effort, the last outburst (in public) was June and like I said, I do wonder if this is just married life? Problem is, when I think about leaving I feel so guilty but when I think about all the things over the years that have happened, forgetting my birthday etc etc I get angry and think that leaving is the best option.
When we argue, we both get so angry but we've always said there's something there we can't explain that keeps us together. I'm quite binary though and know that if that switch gets flicked to turn off that 'something' it's all over. I know that if I need to do that, it'll be hard but I will be able to do it and walk away (I've nothing here but my clothes, tools and car even though we bought the house together and started at the same point in terms of possessions).
This other person that's appeared in my life has lifted me a little but as you can imagine has also racked me with guilt and worry. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very attracted to her but I've been around long enough (or so I keep telling myself) to not just jump at something else because it's there.
Thankyou again for being there and not judging, I'll let you know where I get to.
Hi There,
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I think it's improtant that if she is making an effort that you do too, try and put the past behind you and focus on now, I know from experience this isn't easy, but if you only remember the issues it's going to be difficult to move away from them.
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The chances are things will have "bumps" and you will fall out, but if you are focused on the past then these will be worse, It's easy when you start to argue to bring up things that haven't been resolved from earlier arguments and then things escalate.
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If you are able to have some time to yourself then that may help you get to a point where you can decide whether you want to continue trying, it does sound as though your wife hasn't been very supportive and at times been pretty horrible, so you have a big decision to make which only you can do.
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If you decide to try and make a go of it, I think counselling really would help you, as I said I've been through it with my ex wife and my current wife, with my ex wife after seeing her in the sessions and how she reacted to the counsellor telling her she wasn't right to be the way she was it really opened my eyes. We stayed together for some time after that but come the end it was those sessions that helped me realise that leaving was the right decision and that I wasn't wrong to be feeling how I did.
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GTTS
My wife has suggested we see someone in the past but when the shoe is on the other foot, you think it's the end. I think it's a good idea though and could be the next step on whichever path. I have a feeling my wife would be like your ex, she can't concede or be wrong and it might be the eye opener I need. If I'm doing as I'm told, my life is fine.
I think this other person (who I speak to regularly) has been the catalyst to me feeling how I do. Part of me thinks I'm like my dad (let's not go there though) and just need to be on my own and that's something I really don't want. Whether it's this relationship or just something in me, I have to help people and have someone to help at the sacrifice of myself. I'm not perfect at all ofcourse. If I had to pinpoint where things started to slide it would be after marriage, I remember the night before our wedding my wife's mum told her our marriage wouldn't last as she's so selfish...I told her to go out with all her friends and try and forget about that while I got everything ready...man I've not put myself first for so long.
One thing I didn't say is that my wife is Dutch and I'm pretty sure would go back to the Netherlands if we did split as she has family she could call on, that concerns me for the children and getting to see them.
It's good to be able to type these things out on here, I've never spoken out about my situation before but am doing a lot at the moment.
Hi There,
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It's always good to talk, it helps get things straight in your head, when you are left with just your own thoughts you head goes mad trying to work out every angle and you can't think straight, I've been there (and still get there at times now) talking even when it's not face to face and having another oppinion is always good.
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If you have a fear around seperation and your wife leaving there are steps you can take to stop this, the family courts can assist, that's not something I am very welled clued up on, but we have members here that are, so if that happens let us know and we can help.
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You've touched on your dad, if that's something you would like to expand on then feel free, if you don't want to do that on the open forum then send me a private message, to get to PM click my user name within any post and you will go to my profile private message option is on the left under my details.
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It can be hard to hear that you aren't in the right from someone outside of the situation so my ex and your wifes possible reactions aren't unusual, it's what they do with that info that would make a difference, my ex wife wouldn't do anything with it, and her fav saying was "why can't you just do things as I say, surely it's common sense" this could be from things as simple as hanging washing out on the line, she was a full on control freak and apparently I folded clothes too far over the line! other things like I would spend my whole day off cleaning the whole house, and she would come in and find fault, once comming out with....."if you've cleaned the whole house why is there still dust under the bed"
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I couldn't get past the way she was and in the end we had a silly arguement (which I won't repeat on the open forum) and I walked out, and then the real issues started Lol
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Feel free to message me if you want to talk a little more openly, and if you do I can share more of how my relationship broke down it sounds like similar issues, though my ex wife never used me as target practice :whistle:
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GTTS