Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hey dads, I'm coming to you for advice.
Me and the mother of my child (who is now 3) separated 2 years ago. I took her to mediation and we worked out a 50/50 schedule that we could agree on.... since then things have been great. until now.
I was single the first year because I wanted to focus on finding a career and getting things right for me son, he lives in a rough neighborhood when he's with his mom and I didn't want him to have to handle that with me, so I found us a nice place to live as well.
9 MONTHS ago I started dating a girl... I'll be honest that at first she was skeptical about being with someone who had a kid, but since then she has really adapted and made a huge effort to be close to him. When she is around they have fun and play and get along great.... but when he goes back to his mom he tells her that he's scared of her AND me, that we're mean, that he doesn't want me to love him, and that I love her more than him. None of these statements true, my son is #1 to me and always will be. He has also started having issues leaving his mom and coming to me when it's time to switch, which I attribute to him being such a mamma's boy all his life.
Seems to me like he's just developed some jealousy towards this new girl, but what do you guys think? His mom is guilt tripping me because she says I'm choosing the relationship over my son; but that isn't true at all, I know this new girl loves him and they have a great time together so I don't want to leave her based on 3 year old jealousy.
Have any of you had issues with your child pushing away someone new?
What should I do to make him comfortable with the situation? or will it just take time...?
Hi there
Children often tell the other parent what they think the parent wants to hear, so your son may be picking up jealousy and negativity from his mum and mirroring it ...I doubt he volunteered that information out of the blue and I suggest he has been questioned about it.
If your GF and your son were getting on and having fun together, it's not hard to see that his mum might be jealous of him forming a close bond with another "mother figure"...hence the guilt tripping from her in the hope that you will spit up.... Getting rid of the competition!
When it handover time try and distract him, if she picks him up suggest that you walk to the car and put him in and ask his mum to be encouraging. Have something like a book or a favourite treat ready for him, when it's time for my 4 yr old grandson to leave, we have a special box with a selection of his favourite sweets and it's now a ritual that I get the box out of the cupboard and he gets to choose what he would like, he happy to go then. People say you shouldn't bribe children, but I disagree, I'd rather call them incentives!
As for the situation with your GF, I'd say hang on I there....take some photos of them playing together and next time his mum brings it up ask for a meeting away from your son to talk about it, be understanding and reassure her that the GF isn't taking her place and never could and ask her to work with you to reassure and encourage your son to get past this blip. Show her the photos and reassure her that he is totally happy when he is with you both and that his anxiety is being picked up from the adults around him because of this situation that has developed.
It's going to take time and patience but the most important thing is to make your little boy comfortable with the situation and that will take both of you working together.
Best of luck
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.