[Solved] Help overcoming emotional infidelity

Thank you for the words, spent this afternoon at her place spending time with my son, got to speak to her and listen to her side and I can kind of understand why she did it, between me and her things were stale, no talking, no money, little to no [censored], come along a guy who is attractive and gives her some attention and it took her away from the stale and boring, it was like a get away from all our problems, if we spoke about our problems instead of acting like everything was normal maybe she would, I could never know, but from me saying she didn't do much from her perspective I didn't either, I've told her I need space and time to think but I do still care about her but she needs time and space too to decide if I am what she wants, not just because she got caught and feel guilty, but she does wanna spend her life with me, when she dropped me at my parents my kid was screaming that his daddy was leaving, killed me but I could see it killed her more that time and hoping it can help kick her [censored] to what she has fully done and the possible consequences.

One final question, I have just found out where the guys other half works and want to know what you guys think, do I go and meet her and tell her what a rat she is engaged too or not and leave karma to deal with him whenever it feels like, my parents disapprove of the idea but feel I need more input lol. I'm really torn as he hurt me and my marriage and my relationship with my son (yes I know she did too) why shouldn't his life be turn upside due to his actions, but the other part is telling me not to, it will feel good for a moment or two and then will come to the realisation that it did nothing for me at all.

Hi there

I can understand the immediate gratification from blowing him up to his partner, but it might back fire on you... I think your parents have given you good advice about it, but I'm pretty sure other members may be along to give you different advice... just think really carefully about it, don't let it be a knee [censored] reaction.

I agree with mojo - if you try to do what you are suggesting, it will blow up in your face, and you have admitted yourself that it will come to nothing. You need to concentrate on getting yourself into a better frame of mind and moving on - living well is the best revenge.

I agree with actd, mojo & your folks. I just don't think you need to add to the situation. Focus on you and your relationship.

Hi there ,
This is probably no consolation but reading your story is a mirror image of my own. I've been with my partner for 12 years fortunately we haven't tied the knot yet. We were going through a stale period for a few years and then things erupted last year. Things got progressively worse and I found she was hanging around with her male friend to long. When I found out they went out one night I went ballistic and told her I was leaving .She begged me to stay and go to counselling which I did only to discover 4 months later they were having an affair for 10 months.
I initially told her I never wanted anything to do with her again and asked her to leave my house.3 months later after the dust settled I asked her to move back in. People may wonder why but when your 5 year old daughter and 6 year old son are crying every day begging you to let mummy back in the house and you realise how much you still love them despite what they have done you see reasoning. I told her to cut her friend out of her life ,no contact again with the guy and made it clear that if she sees him in the street she tells me, if her emails her she tells me. She also changed her phone number and shut down all her social media and showed more remorse than you could imagine. The thing with an affair is its a fantasy. Its not a real relationship as it contains none of the hard parts like paying the bills, running around after the kids ,arguing,etc.you only ever see them at their best and don't see their bad habits and parts that annoy you unless you live with them all the time. Nobody has a perfect relationship all the time that's normal.
Your fist step is to do what you think is best for you and your child. Don't listen to bad advice. Its very easy for people to say "If it was me id never have them back".that's something you can never decide until it is you. I think your doing the right thing working on your problems and thinking of you kid first. Facing your problems and manning up and communicating is a lot harder than running away and starting again. Would you really like to see you kid half of their life and watch them drive away with another man and your wife ?
I'm 8 months in now and most of the pain has gone but its still in my head and the trust issues are still not 100 percent but she is doing everything I ask. Things are still raw for you but keep going and after about 4 months you'll reach a point where you will see signs that things are better than they were before but only sporadically .Sooner or later im told this becomes more frequent and you could be stronger than ever. Look after yourself and your kid and [censored] all the people that give you negative advice as its your life and your families life. Give yourself 12 months and see how you feel.i will tell you there will be lots of days you think that you cant do it and you'll never feel the same but believe me the embarrassment and betrayal will subside. Keep trying.

PS If it was me I would tell his other half and make him suffer but we are all different.

Thanks for the messages guys, sorry not replied till now but past week or so have been up and down.

In regards to the guys missus, it worked out that a good friend knew a work colleague of his missus so a message was passed on to her with my number just saying I wanted to talk to her about her fella and I think she should have a chat with me, I never received a call or message so I have to assume he has either got away with it or she already knew and the message was all she needed to confront him.

As for me and the wife we have decided to try and work through it all and get back together, and as much as I'm happy I decided this, if am honest I just don't know how I can deal with the deceit, I feel that everyday I'm stalking her social media to see if she is online when not talking to me and this sends me mind into overdrive thinking what she is upto. I wish I was someone who when I think something I can just come out with it but I'm the kinda guy that doesn't want anyone to get hurt so keep it bottled up. For the past few days when we get into bed she can tell something is up and it takes me ages to say it which then leads to arguments and lack of sleep. I know I need to think long term and I've always seen myself as a future looking guy but on this I feel I can't even look past a day or two.

When it comes to the [censored] I can't lie when we have it it's been amazing, she seems more willing to try new things and be a little bit more open about it, but then at other times I will try and flirt with her and it feels like she just isn't bothered, she tells me she feels all I want is [censored] all the time, and anything I do is me trying to get her into bed, and if I'm honest she's probably right a bit, but I feel that I crave [censored] with her because she isn't forthcoming with the little things like a kiss, a hug, telling me she loves me, it's always still me doing this and never her, and those 3 things are what I crave so much!

Hello mate,

Glad your giving it a go. As I said before its not easy dealing with the lies and deceit ,I found that the hardest part but I know its a cliché but time does heal all wounds and those things will get easier after three of four months. I'm at 8 months now and still do the Whats APP check to see when she was last on line. Sometimes a lot of your fears are just in your mind though but I don't know when the trust comes back entirely but be careful not to send yourself crazy with paranoia. I found staying off the booze and hitting the gym really worked for the anxiety. Just remember your wife's only human like the rest of us and I'm pretty sure if you go through a bad patch and put anybody in the wrong situation at the wrong time with the wrong person things would happen and spiral out of control. I read somewhere that an affair doesn't start in the bedroom it starts with a conversation. Been reading a few books on the subject lately to make sense of it all. The first time I've read in years.

Good luck and keep going