[Solved] Help overcoming emotional infidelity

Hi there

Im sorry to hear that you're struggling, but talking about it to someone is a good first step.

I think a lot of your problems stem from low self esteem, which is compounded by your financial difficulties.

Its probably best to tackle one problem at a time.. youve taken steps to sort out your finances, so I think the next its time to concentrate on yourself.

You already know that your health is important, and many health issues are linked to weight. Have you talked about it to your wife? She could be very helpful in getting you motivated. Its not something that you can do by yourself, perhaps you could sit down with your wife and decide on some healthy eating changes, she may be able to help you with some excercises to begin with, that you can do at home. Most sports centres have gyms that can be very reasonable to attend, unlike private gyms that can cost a fortune.

Its difficult to get motivated, but often after that first push it really does get easier. Have a goal that is attainable, reaching it will thenspur you on to your next goal.

If your wife sees you doing it for yourself, she may start to see you in a different light... being dependent on her Alone can be quite suffocating. Why dont you look up old friends and get yourself out a bit more, i think an outside interest might also help.

All the best

I agree with everything Mojo has suggested, but would like to add, have you thought of going to counselling together? It seems your wife is opening to solo counselling, so perhaps going to couples counselling might be a good place to start? It would give you an opportunity to tell her how you feel and work on some approaches to trusting her again.

I would contact stepchange.org - they are a debt management charity, I'm not sure how much they are able to do with the IVA, but there's no harm in trying them.

Thank you for your replies, they have all helped so much, we have already started an IVA through stepchange, one year in with 4 1/2 left to go, counting those months down till we are debt free and feel like we can live again, I know the debt is our fault but doing this IVA has shown me how much we take money for granted and spend it on useless stuff and convenience.

We are trying to eat healthier but with the budget we have due to the IVA and having a 2 Y/O who comes first it can mean by the end of the month meals are whatever is cheapest which is usually a cheap pizza, but we are trying to budget better so this doesn't happen.

The day after I wrote this with Mojo's reply I did somethimg I never thought about till then, instead of sitting wishing to go to a gym to loose weight, why not ask my wife to train me, one it shows I'm trying to be more active as she is the one helping me and too we have something in common as working out/being active seems to have become one of her main hobbies, before the other day I wouldn't take any notice to what she did at the gym, where now when she gets home I'm making sure to sit down and listen to what she has done, honestly it's the most conversation we have had with each other apart from the usual child/job talks. And she's enjoying making me work out and I get to feel like we have a connection again and loose weight.

We plan on having counselling together in the future but my wife has said she want to have a 1 on 1 counselling first to discuss her PND which I understand and support as long as we can have couples counselling in the future, I feel I can't wait to start that as having someone's trained viewpoint will help, because for me the one problem that is always gonna come up is her mobile phone and the fact she has some security that stops me from going on it, don't get me wrong I don't want to look at it without her permission but before she started talking to this guy she never had any kind of pass code on her phone, it's half the reason why I became suspicious. And it still makes me suspicious because if you have nothing to hide why would you need it, I have a pattern code on my phone due to our son being into phones and calling random numbers, but she knows it and I would never change it unless my son somehow guessed it. I've tried to put this logic forward to her that if she has nothing to hide why does she need it locked for her only, but she just won't budge and says because it's her phone and I don't need to see it like she doesn't care if she knows my code or not.

I don't want to argue as it's something we've done so much since I found out and she keeps telling me that I keep bringing her down and making her feel worthless as all I do is tell her she isn't trying and that. But it's all I can think about, I'm in work right now and all I keep doing is checking if she's online and in my head thinking who is she talking to, I don't want to live the rest of my life like this and until this all happened I never did.

Hi There,

I agree that couples councelling would help you a lot, to be able to talk openly with the help of a councellor.

when this happens with messaging through phones or facebook, it can destroy a relationship, and if you are looking at resolving that then there needs to be no secrets and I know that most councellors will advice complete openess where phones and social media are involved to enable trust to be built back up again.

I agree 100% with you that if there is nothing to hide then there is no reason to hide the content of her phone, if she wants things to work then for me the first thing that would help you to trust her again would be to allow access to her social media and phone.

GTTS

Hi there

I can totally understand the issue you have with the locked phone, as it was the beginning of her connection with this other guy. I think you have to be open with her about the way it makes you feel.

I’m really glad that you found our suggestions helpful, working out together and having a shared goal should bring you closer together again and the fact that you are connecting and chatting more is great.

All the best

Thank you for the ideas and I wish I was coming with better news.

Yesterday I confronted my wife about having her phone locked and she agreed to allowed me have my finger unlock her phone too, this put my mind at rest and she told me that she had nothing to hide so had no problems with doing it.

One day after I get home from work, the wife is already in bed after having a bottle of wine after putting the little one to sleep, she's near enough passed out so I decided to have a look at her phone, one time, nothing there and I leave it all behind me and move on...how she must now regret giving me access.

I open WhatsApp and who's name is at the top but the guy she had been speaking to all those months before, I open the chat and scroll up to find that she had been sharing intimate pictures and videos (I assume you all get the idea) I wake her up and confront her, she tells me its nothing, there's nothing there and I'm overreacting ( assuming she hadn't sobered up yet) give it a few minutes and basically get yeah I did it and I don't know why I did, stone cold with no emotion, the only time she started crying and showing remorse was when I said I was gonna take our child (which am obviously not gonna do) she kept on trying to put in damage control expecting me to be okay with it and stay but I just walked out and drove, I'm now back at my parents, it's 4am and I'm still so pissed off there is no chance of getting any sleep, she tried to call me a few times and has sent me 2 messages asking if I'm okay but I've not replied, all that keeps going through my head is their conversation, and how she could do this to me. All I've every done is love her unconditionally and try to be the best husband and dad. I'm worried about the future, obviously we have an IVA for our debt but if we divorce it means it will have to be knowledge to my parents. And I'm worried about my son, with the job I have with changing shifts every week how am I gonna be able to look after him and have him regularly.

I’m so sorry that your worse fears have been realised, it must have been a terrible shock for you, even though you had your suspicions.

I think you need to let the dust settle and get your head together before making any rash decisions about your long term future. You will need to talk to her about it though, and if you need some space and decide to stay at your parents, you will want to put some arrangements in place for seeing your child.

Take a little time out and try and catch up on some sleep today. Let her know that you’re at your parents and need some space, and you will be in touch to sort out seeing your child. Its a bank holiday, maybe suggest that you meet in the park or elsewhere on Mondays talk things through... keeping it away from the home might allow you both to keep it more controlled.

All the best

Thank you for the words, really helping me, the only plus side to all of this is I have confessed to my parents to how much debt I am in and it feels like a weight off my shoulders. Worst part was saying bye to my son and not knowing when I will see him again, my wife keeps messaging me asking me to come over to put him down for a nap but then in stuck alone with her feeling awkward as [censored]. My work have been amazing and covered all my shifts for the next week so I plan on trying to sort out when I can see him and spend some time with friends who I haven't seen in a long time

I think telling your parents was a good move... as a parent of grown ups myself, it’s frustrating not to be asked for help and support when they’ve got problems.. so I bet your parents are relieved that you’ve told them, they will have a fresh perspective on it, and even if they can’t help you financially, their moral support will help immensely.

I’m glad you’ve picked up on my advice to reconnect with friends, that too will help you through the next few weeks. Its good to talk and I’m reassured that you are reaching out to those around you for support... and of course we here are a listening ear too!

All the best

I'm sorry to hear of this development. Take some time for you, let your parents support you and carry on seeing friends. It will all help. At the minute, you probably need some space to process things and decide what's next.
Best wishes