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Its been three years since the break up between my very controlling partner and myself . The kids now aged 13 and 11 are now fairly settled. My aim is always to maintain a reasonable relationship with my ex partner in order to keep the chldren happy. This means that I have always to agree and obey the wishes of their mother - as do the children.
My access to the children had to be gained through court as the mother was adament about her control over them and me but I finaly got one full day one half day and one sleepover.
Christmas has always been an issue. The mother will not make any commitments to any set times over christmas. This year she has decided that I can take off Christmas Eve from work and have them the whole day and night and then three hours on christmas morning. She will have them for the rest of Christmas day and boxing day and I can see them again on the day after boxing day ( another work day that I will have to try and get leave for ) . Having the children for only three hours on christmas morning - from them waking at 6am to her picking them up a 9am , ensures that the children will not see my family . My partner is not able to give the children the same family atmosphere that I can - my side of the family consists of Grandparents , aunts and uncles and cousins that they are very close to and which their mother resents.
Its also a fact that she sees me as nothing more than a glorified babysitter while she is working and to fit in with her social life.
I normaly dont argue the case with her but I am finding it hard to accept that I cannot have one full day over christmas , either boxing day or Christmas day . I write to her carefully about my feelings and how I feel it would be more benificial to the children instead of being constantly picked up and dropped off and disrupting what should be a happy exciting day with dad and family.
Her response to my emails and texts are always the same - she totaly disregards the issues and simply repeats the plans she has put in place . She does not acknowledge anything I have said at all.
I feel powerless and I know the children will be upset - but to push an issue with their mother will only add to the chldrens anxiety about her.. They cannot conceive of a world where their mother is not controlling the traffic !
I am wondering if I should go back to court ( which she seems in awe of ) and fight for this issue or if I should do what I always do which is completely comply with her rules .
I am not the whimp I sound in my normal world - but such is the mothers power, she has no qualms about upsestting the children if she feels thwarted in any way and my main concern is always to protect them .
I would be very grateful for any ideas, thoughts and advice.
Jody Fry
Hi and welcome....
You're not alone in this scenario, it's a shame that your ex can't put her issues aside and reach agreement with you.
You could go back to court and try to increase the time you have with the children and also to ask for a more fair share of special occasions. Since April this year, Mediation is now mandatory before making an application to the court, so you would have to start with that.
On the plus side, as your children are slightly older now, their wishings and feelings about contact should be taken into account.
Court is always a last option and should be avoided wherever possible, something I'm sure you understand having been through the process before. However, having read the problems you've had, I would say that it's unlikely that you will move this situation on without some form of third party assistance.
Have a read through the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, there's some good advice to be had there. Also, you will receive more responses to your questions in that section.
Good luck 🙂