[Solved] Going through hell...

Hi,

as |Slim has said (and he's given very good advice) get yourself an appointment with a mediator, you can file the case at court, but will need to have tried mediation first. Also look at the paerenting plan and have an idea ofd what you would like to achieve, be prepaired to compromise though as that's what mediation is all about.

Some dads have a starting point of much morew than they would be happy to accept to enable them to move to less and show they are willing to compromise so think about that also.

Again as slim has said this could be a long drawn out battle to be prepaiered and make sure you loo after yourself throughout as it can get stressful at times which takes it's toll.

Again as said you don't have to use a solicitor in court if you end up there, many of us have self represented and it isn't as hard as you would think and we can all guidee you through the proccess if you get stuck or have any questions.

Get on to the mediators and have a look at the court forms as then you will have an idea of what you need to do

GTTS

Again...thank you. I really can't thank you all enough for your advice.

I've contacted my local mediation centre and have got the ball rolling with them. Just waiting for a reply on a date.
I've got my appointment with solicitors tomorrow. Just so I can see what they have to say, and all the paper work I can get will help.

I have thought about representing myself like you've mentioned. Considering I've done nothing to deserve this. I'd just don't know if I want to risk it by representing myself.

Mr Slim mentioned before about courts going over backwards to help? Do they really? one of my worries would be that they just favour the mother in everything and considering how vile she has been of late...I don't know what rubbish she is going to make up about me.

Honestly mate a solicitor will do everything you can do yourself, I know it seems daunting self repping but I swear you can do it, don't be afraid you will get all the help and support off myself and every member off this site and if you check through other members posts they have got excellent outcomes self repping.

By all means go and see a solicitor I went to 5 in total and just used and abused the free consultations, 3 of them actually said I'm best off self repping anyway, the free sessions with a solicitor is just for them to see what you own eg cars, home ect so they can fleece as much money out of you as humanly possible they know full well you will hand over as much money as you can as long as you get to see your child.

They know the court process takes for ever so they will drag the case out for as long as possible so they make more money where as if you self rep you pay for mediation which is a couple of hundred quid then £215 for the court application and thats it 🙂

It may seem like everything goes in your ex favour but as the court progresses you will see she gets shown up for what she is then later in the case it will all start coming your way trust me 🙂

Thanks again Mr Slim.

Maybe it's worth a go then. I'll see what the solicitors say today...maybe they'll say I should represent myself.

How did you or anyone else on here, manage to not spend all day and night thinking about it? Sitting up thinking about it all is horrible as I'm sure you all know.

It has been the first thing I've thought about when I wake up until the last second before I fall asleep since my ex told me she was pregnant and started being a [censored] 20 months ago, I haven't got any sure fire way of dealing with the heart ache but I think it's a case of managing it so it doesn't take over your life it is so easy to let it all completely consume you but the NO1 thing I would suggest is distract yourself as much as you can.

At the end of the day you son needs a strong minded level headed daddy to fight for him so if ypou start getting all down and depressed end up drinking taking anti depressents ect you'll end up in a hole and unable to fight.

Bar a close family member dying this will be one of the hardest experiences of your life but as I found it it's actually made me a better person.

I would suggest throwing yourself into work, keep fit, do a new hobby, eat well sleep well, get out and about go on holiday if you self rep and don't use a solicitor then you'll have some money lol, meet other women, go on dates at the end of the day your son is important but you have to concentrate on No1 yourself first, trust me 🙂

Yeah like I said I personally think you will be better off going it alone, you need a huge pair of [censored] need to me confident and it's just a case of doing your research the process is pretty simple and straight forward in reality, it a rollercoaster and very hard going at some stages but you are in control.

Yeah a solicitor knows the law but it is very very expensive and they seem to drag everything out longer meaning you dont get to see your child for longer, see what they say but I doubt they will suggest that you go it alone why would they as all they can see it £££££ signs, they only said to me to go for it as I found this site and suggested I may go it alone anyway and when they realised i didnt own a house or that much money behind me they we not interested 🙂

Hi Ejlmc,

Sorry to hear that you're going through the mill with the ex...

So far, as always, the guys have given you sound and positive advice.
I'd also agree with Slim regarding self representation - It's daunting, but once you get into the swing of it, you can even put the solicitors to shame!

I've been fighting for almost 2 years to see my children regularly (though my circumstances are different, making things more drawn out) and am nearly at the end of the road.

Unfortunately, your story is all too commonly seen on the Forum here... That does mean however that alot of people here can relate, and give advice, about what best to do given the situation.

The key things are to try and establish and maintain contact with your son, make sure you look after yourself, and try not to overthink things too much (easier said than done I know).

As Slim eluded to, you don't really ever get the situation out of your mind, it's always in there - morning, noon and night. It just gets easier to cope with over time, and I think once you have control of the emotions that go with it, it can actually motivate you, and drive you to fight harder for your child!

In any case, keep doing what you're doing, don't give up, and sooner or later things will be sorted out. Your son has his Dad's love, keep that in your thoughts and you'll be fine.

All the best,

BD

Went to see the Solicitor today. He was rather good to be fair and did want me to try and sort it out without going through the courts as he said it would cost stupid money. However if she continues to be unreasonable then to take it to court and he sees no reason why I wouldn't get it on the birth cert. Especially considering the fact that she's used my surname and hers in his name and let me see him - goes against her saying I'm an 'unfit father'.

The main issue he is worried about is that fact that once it's been 6 months (or 12 months not 100%) since the registration of the birth then it can never be added.
So he said we would need to get on it ASAP as my lad is already 5 weeks. Which is why he thinks mediation would give her the chance to drag her feet and get it over the 6 month barrier.

Thanks again for all your advice and stuff guys. I've said thank you a million times but you really have helped out soo much. Means a lot.

I'm afraid he is speaking completely out of his [censored], that is complete and utter rubbish, getting your name on the birth certificate is not even a issue you need to worry about at this present moment in the slightest.

If you were put on the Birth certificate that just means you have "parental responsibility" A woman automatically gets PR as she has gives Birth to the baby if she doesn't put you on you have to apply for PR through the courts.

All PR means is that you have a right to know about your childs medical needs, you have an influence on what schools your child goes to ect it does NOT mean you have any right to see your child at all..

Your main priority is to get contact to see your Son and you need to apply for a "child arrangement order" for you to do this as we have suggested, You can apply for PR along side your application for a CAO.

You need to try mediation to see if you can come to an agreement first before you apply for a CAO and PR if mediation fails or she doesnt show you get a form meaning you can apply.

You then fill out a C100 form pay £215 and thats it the ball is rolling.

It sounds like he's just trying to scare you into using his services asap be very careful mate 🙂

Hi all,

Apologise for not coming back to the thread, I’ve been unbelievably business.

What’s changed since last time? I did go with a solicitor. I know a few said not to bother but I buckled and went. My ex didn’t reply to any of his letters…until she had the one from court saying that she would have to attend on blah blah of February. I get a call from her, asking me to meet with her. She says (after being horrible/awkward/dragging her feet for months) saying she will put me on the birth cert as long as I don’t take her to court. I say that i will stop the court case if she puts me on it but I’m not stopping the court until I’m on the cert. She’s all nice and her mother is all nice saying how I can now get on being a dad and we need to work together etc etc a load of bull and two faced. We are still waiting for date to have me put on birth cert. In the meantime, she seems to be back to her old self of dragging her heels and being awkward. For example I asked for a copy of my sons original birth cert to which her tried to avoid giving me. Even coming out ‘it doesn’t belong to you’. She says she doesn’t trust me with it?

Anyway got a call from Cafcass today, to talk about court. (2/3 weeks away).

What is your advice on what I do now? Do I still take her to court even though shes agreed to give me PR (Birth cert) or do I stop it and get my name on birth cert and go to mediation with her to agree time with him.

(sorry for spelling errors and bad grammer – at work and typing very fast haha)

Hope you’re all well.

Ejlmc,

She has finally responded because you're taking her to court.... And she has offered to put you on the birth cert IF you don't take her to court?

That would give you "PR" - it would not entitle you to any form of contact with your child, and I suspect as soon as the threat of court was removed, you'd be back to square one, just £100's lighter...

It could just be me being cynical - having gone through all this myself - but the opportunity was there for her to sort this with you outside of court. She chose to not do that, so you have taken matters further and now she's looking to compromise because she doesn't want to get dragged before a judge...
Even her reaction to your request for a copy of the existing birth certificate would concern me if I were you!

Stick with the court - if she wants to agree to put you on the birth certificate, she can say so in court, and it can be put on a court order. It then gives you a reasonable chance of a) actually getting her to put you on the BC, and b) giving you the chance to request contact.

That's my opinion on it at any rate... just for context though I will remind you of an earlier post;

My beautiful son was born last month and me and the mother were on speaking terms.

I've just found out that she has registered the birth without me, meaning I'm not down as the father on the first cert. They've said to take them to court to get PA but I'll never get on the birth cert because the mother will never say yes.

I think that pretty much sums it up for me bud.

All the best,
BD.

Hi there

...I wouldn't advise that you withdraw from your court application, what's to stop her reverting to form once the case is stopped? Having PR doesn't give you any rights as far as contact with your child is concerned. IMO you've had your interview with CAFCASS and court is only 2/3weeks away, stick with it!

Don't let your heart rule your head....she is again showing signs of her true feelings.... If she doesn't trust you with a piece of paper what hope have you got of her willingly handing your child over for contact!

Why don't you initiate Mediation now before the hearing to discuss contact? If she refuses then its another sign that she's just trying to manipulate the situation and stop the court action. The court can adjourn the case and order mediation takes place. You could suggest that at the hearing to show that you are prepared to try and reach agreement with her. If agreement is reached you could then return to court and have it written into a consent order. Talk to your solicitor about these options.

Good luck