Girlfriend and my children

hi,

I think if your girlfriend finds it uncomfortable with going on a holiday together with your kids, then you could just book a short holiday with just yourself and the kids. hopefully can keep the peace that way. but she should know your kids are very important to you and you don't want to leave them out your life in order to please her.

@bill337 Thanks Bill, I'm totally torn.  I have the holiday already booked as she made it clear that she would not go away with my children as it would not be relaxing.  My children, who I only see every other weekend are so excited about going away I can not deprive them of a holiday just so I can talk with my girlfriend and try and sort our differences.  My girlfriend means the absolute world to me but these ultimatums she puts in really do split me. 

@paul1pentney ok. in your position I think I would not like to disappoint the the kids and still take them on holiday, without your girlfriend. you could explain to her you don't want the kids to be upset, and also don't want to lose all the money you spent on the trip. hopefully she will be reasonable and you can sort out these differences. There is another member on this forum who has had similar issues in past. @lostinblac  

not sure if he is still active. he may be able to give some advice.

@bill337 Ok great, I'll wait to see if there is a response from him.  My girlfriend has basically given the ultimatum.  If I go on holiday with my children then its totally over between me and her.  I'm not sure if this is a test where she is trying to win my priority over my children but this situation is not nice at all.

Any other thoughts welcome

Can anyone else offer any advice to a Dad in distress over this?

All advice much appreciated

@paul1pentney

Hi

I would like to add to this. Some on this board will know about my circumstances. I have however recently met a new girlfriend (5 months into a new relationship). 

She met the kids a few weeks ago,  we went for a bit of lunch and everything went well. We are going to take things slowly with the kids,  give them time to get to know her and develop a relationship. 

In relation to your circumstances,  my views are below:

- it is always important to focus on yourself, the kids will always be a part of your life but they shouldn't be the focus. As a seperated dad,  if they are your focus then this leaves huge gaps in your life when they are not with you. You have to build a new life that they are a part of,  this can include new partners,  employment,  hobbies,  friends,  family,  holidays etc.

- you are also a parent and role model to your kids,  all of the time. This includes the relationships you have and how you are with a new partner. This is how kids learn and develop.

- any new partner has to accept you for who you are and your life including your kids.

- in relation to your girlfriend,  only you can decide on whether you can build a life with her that your kids can be fully part of. Discussing matters with her will of course help,  however,  why is she asking you to postpone the holiday to discuss matters,  as the matter is so important,  why can you not discuss it tonight?

- in relation to what must feel like an ultimatum,  I guess more thoughts are if you cave in to this,  what else will you have to cave into in the future? (postponing the holiday etc) what else will she want to exclude the kids from? What if you guys decide to grt married and she wants no kids at the wedding? (it does happen).. 

- going away on holidays with the kids will always be important to you,  if you gf doesn't want this then only you can decide whether she is the right person. Financially could you afford multiple holidays each year to please everyone? Would your gf accept a shorter holiday for the 2 of you and then for you to go on a longer one with the kids?

- in my view,  I want my gf and kids to get on and create a home so that when the kids come over every other weekend,  they feel they are at home with me and gf,  can be themselves,  relax,  and we have a family atmosphere.

Just some of my thoughts really... 

@Daddyup HI Thankyou for your advice and thoughts.  I really struggle to see how my girlfriend who is a mum herself of 19 year olds has put me in this situation.  I find the whole situation very heart breaking.

Sadly it sounds as though  she is being controlling and thats not healthy in a relationship.  If you google the power and control wheel you can see what people do to have power in a relationship.  You may see other signs there apart from this.  Agreed, its aimed abusive men but it will give you an idea

@champagne Hi Thank you for your response. I have looked at the wheel and can see where you are coming from.  This ultimatum that she has put me in is heartbreaking.  She know I am head over heels in love with her but I can not cancel a holiday with my children over this.  My children deserve a holiday as they haven't had one for over two years since me and their mum split.

Being set and ultimatum like this is very controlling and I have lost a lot of self confidence over this.  In an ideal world I would like to go away on holiday but sort things with her on my return.  I can not believe that a week away is the determining factor in this.  Its just her.

@champagne Hi Thank you for your response. I have looked at the wheel and can see where you are coming from.  This ultimatum that she has put me in is heartbreaking.  She know I am head over heels in love with her but I can not cancel a holiday with my children over this.  My children deserve a holiday as they haven't had one for over two years since me and their mum split.

Being set and ultimatum like this is very controlling and I have lost a lot of self confidence over this.  In an ideal world I would like to go away on holiday but sort things with her on my return.  I can not believe that a week away is the determining factor in this.  Its just her.

Hi,

I really hope you don’t mind me responding to your post but for the past 3 years I have been in a relationship with someone who has children (10&12) from a previous relationship. My partner is going through a horrific time with his ex.  We are in the midst of court hearings and cafcass reports.   I think that what you girlfriend is doing is unacceptable and maybe she is not right for you or your children.  You should not have to choose between her and them.  She knew you had children when you got together.  That if she wanted a life with you it would also mean a life with them.  I would never stop my partner from spending such precious time with his children.  I actively encourage it! Why should they miss out on a holiday and time spent with you because she wants to talk. There will always be time to talk.  She should feel honoured that you want to include her in your children's lives.  Not be pathetic and say a family holiday won’t be relaxing. I’m not going to pretend to know the ins and outs of your relationship but if you are being put in this kind of situation where it’s a her or them choice..  consider it a warning sign.  It’s only going to get worse.