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I am pretty much at my wits end. In fact I'd go so far as to say I really am starting to dislike my life in general.
I've been married 2 and half years and we have a 6 months old boy who I adore more than words can express. He is the happiest, easiest baby and a ray of sunshine in my life.. unfortunately one of the few.
Life with my wife has had its up and downs since we met 5 years ago but I love her dearly.. she's my best friend and in general we get on great.. or at least we used to get on great.
Before I go into more detail I want to say that I work 12hr days including commuting to work.. get up at 5:30am.. home at 6:30pm.. as soon as I get home it's bath baby.. play with him feed him.. more often than not cook dinner before a short while of relaxing in front of tv then bed and repeat. At weekends as I'm used to getting up early I take the little one down at 7am ish as I'm already up.. feed him.. change him and play with him. 10am or sometimes later the wife gets up. I do much more than half of the feeding changing etc at weekends and I really don't mind as it's lovely to make up for the time I miss in the week. Like I said before I cook too.. but i also wash up.. Go and do food shopping... ironing etc.. so I feel i do at least my fair share when you consider I also work a 50-60hr week including travel as well.
I don't do night feeds in the week as he only wakes once to feed anywhere between 3:30 and 4:30am so which getting up at 5:30am for work I would be on serious sleep deficit and work would suffer. Wife is able to sleep until 8:30-9:00 (later at weekends) so is/should be able to make up sleep.
Weekends i have offered to help but get the line "I hear him and am awake in the night anyway and you are used to early mornings so its fine as it is".. this is until we have an argument and it's gets thrown in my fact I don't help with nightfeeds. Apparently it's convenient I don't even often hear him at night.
I should point out he only wakes for food once and he is a great sleeper during the day.. regularly sleeping 4hrs over 3 daytime naps. He rarely cries and is happy to lay on his play mat. What I am trying to say is he is far from demanding compared to some.
The thing that is getting me down is not only this lack of her appreciating what I do as an equal but that our relationship has really been suffering.
We don't do anything at weekends anymore.. at best a walk with the pram and round the shops and us as a couple is suffering big time. There is little affection now and when we get time after baby goes to bed at 8-8:30pm communication is minimal and it seems she would rather be here with anyone else but me. [censored] is virtually non existent (once a month) and lacks any effort on her part these days. I feel lost.. like so many things we created and built our relationship have gone. I feel quite empty and unwanted.
I also get spoken to like I'm Incompetent with stuff to do with my son even though I know exactly what I am doing and I'm pretty [censored] good. If i don't do things the way she does I am wrong.. she interferes even if it inappropriate for her to do so and it winds me up. Takes over and has even pulled me up on ridiculous things in front of other people.
I have tried explaining to her I hate this and just because she has a way of doing something doesn't mean I am wrong or do things worse.. and I have also told her how unhappy I am and can we both work on stuff to improve it.. all I get are insults... things thrown back at me.. ie nightfeeds... or even totally ignored.. it's soul destroying.
I don't really know what to do anymore and I feel so unhappy in general. Ideally I want to fix things as I love my wife and my son.. I want to be part of a loving happy family unit but she just feels all her excuses are justified and that I one in the wrong.
I truly think if things don't change our relationship will fail and who knows what else
She is terrible at communication and always has been, and often her way to deal with things is bury her head in the sand and ignore stuff till it goes away (or seems to).
Help...
First of all what you are describing is not unusual, particularly with the first child.
If your wife has always been bad at communicating having a child will not suddenly change this, which is sad as communication at this stage can be important.
Having a child brings huge changes into a couples life, especially for the woman.
Did your wife work before the baby? If so will she be returning to work or will she be staying home to raise your son?
If yes to the above questions it represents a huge shift in your wife's life. Loss of social contact, financial independence, adult conversation and while you do a lot to support her she is still the one doing most of the things for your son. One thing which struck me with my wife was how her identity was stripped from her. To give an example the first time I went with her to pick our daughter up she didn't have her own identity, she was simply so and so's mum. Twice a day for four months she had met with other mothers and they were all known a X's mum.
One thing you mentioned is that she mentioned she is awake at night anyway when your son cries, but sleeps in at the weekend. I have noticed when I am depressed that sleep is usually one of the first things to get disrupted, Getting very little sleep most of the time but then find I sleep a lot longer than I normally would.
I am sure some of the women on here could do much better on describing how a baby affects women. In some ways men do get it easier, after all we can go off to work and get a break,
One thing I have noticed is you failed to mention how often you get someone to look after your son while you go out for the evening with your wife or spend quality time together. I appreciate this is difficult during the week, but what about Saturday nights? Or even pay for your wife to spend an afternoon at the local beauty parlour so she can be pampered and feel good about herself. I found this was a great way to pick my wife up when we could not get the time together.
Full time care of a baby can be very tiring, women can feel very unattractive for a few months after birth, and hormones can be a bit out of control. So it can hardly be surprising when they are a little lack lustre about [censored]. You each have individual needs but these can be lost in caring for a baby. I guess in short what I am saying is that you both need to be working harder on your relationship, but someone has to make the first move. As much as you feel unappreciated I would not be surprised if your wife feels the same.
Things will change, you son will get older and your wife will develop new social circles. But new challenges will take over, so my advice would be start working on your relationship and making sure your wife knows you appreciate all that she does. as well as remembering you both have individual needs which need to be met as well.
Have you considered going to Relate - might be worth having someone independant to help you through this.
Hi There,
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There is some good advice from oddfather, and I also agree with actd, I think you need to try and find away to talk with your partner and work out how to get things back to how they were.
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THings change so much when you have a baby, and the womans body and emotions will be all over the place.
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Relate would hopefully help you both to be able to talk, I know you say your wife isn't a great talker and clams up, my wife is the same, and the only time she will talk, it's in anger and it's more a rant than anything else, we did councelling a few years back to get through some issues and she seemed to open up in the sessions.
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Your biggest challenge would possibly be getting your wife to agree to going.
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GTTS