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Feel deverstatingly...
 
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[Solved] Feel deverstatingly down after suspected affair

 
(@Rich1979)
Active Member Registered

Not really sure on how to start this if I'm honest......

To start with how do I feel ? Low,depressed in some way but never been depressed before so couldn't say, lack of confidence only with in our relationship not out side the front door so to speak. Seriously insecure and lost in my own mind ! Not suicidle but if I think too much I feel why be bothered any more, inner pain like you would never believe ! Like trust and that something special I THOUGHT we had just gone, empty the list could just go on and on so I will hold it there.

I'm usually the life and sole of everything I do anywhere I go but what's happened has really hit me for 6 and I'm really struggling to come to terms with things and moving forward in life !

I can't believe I'm putting this up on a forum but I've tried every other avenue, I.e doctors, online counciling through the doctors, forgetting about it,going on hols, treating the misses, bought a house,car to try and get some stability you name it I've tried it so that's why I'm here I guess....

Right, so what's happened your probably thinking, well here goes....

About 2.5 years ago my best mate got married I got quite drunk as you do at weddings and the last thing I said to my misses was, if I get pi55ed Karl will look after you (Karl) is my best mates bro they got on well as we have met at tons of functions in the past and I've known my mate and Karl for 20 years plus so as you can imagine we have been close friends companions for many a year and helped each other out over the years etc.
At one point in the night though I couldn't find Karl and my partner anyway at all no one could tbh but didn't think too much about it (later to find out they were just having a quite chat in one of the other function rooms apparently). The morning after I explain to my partner that Karl is abit of a womeniser and to stay well clear as he is trouble when it comes to women and with them disappearing it aroused suspicion so to speaks he evening before. I thought that was it nothing more nothing less....was I wrong or what !
Now this is where I thought I was literally going mad or paranoid as my partner said ! Just to bear in mind me and my partner were looking for wedding venues ourselves before my friend got married so I thought all was good and no issues on the horizon so to speak.
First I noticed that she was on FB more than ever and I mean every last second of the day if I ever asked she was just looking at rubbish or talking to a friend. Now we used to be quite open with our phones we would leave them anywhere no secrets if I picked up here phone she wouldn't batter an eye lid if I had a cheeky look or fraped her lol and the same regarding my phone it was an open book, look at what ever you like I'm not hiding anything. Then all of a sudden he phone was attached to her hip, I'd noticed she had changed all her passwords on her email acc and FB acc and when I questioned her about it she said she just wanted it to be more secure but if I ever asked why she all of a sudden had done it she would just brush it off as it was MY issue and why do I need to know as it was her acc so in all had nothing to do with me.... And this is where I now suspect something is happening p, obviously I question her about this behaviour but again she says its me that's losing my marbles I'm now the PARANOID one and made to feel bad for even asking. At this point she was always very argumentative with me and very confrontational with me and would say things like "I don't even like you anymore" or "do u know what your mates really think of you" or "you just don't even know what's going on right in front of you" not all at once but if we had an arguement which was usually do t to her been secretive then this would come out if her mouth.
Over the next coulple of months I grew to just ignore her been on the phone all the time and put it down to me been paranoid as per telling me all the time, I kinda had a gut feeling something was happening but just couldn't put my finger on it and when or if I mentioned it I was shot down for been stupid and paranoid.
It was then one of my other mates birthday nights out but bear in mind it's usually just the lads but my partner had asked to come which was strange so I my pal if he was bringing his so we all arrange to take our partners out, Karl turned up on his own..... We was sat at completely opposite sides of the table from Karl but I'm sure I kept seeing my partner and Karl catch a gaze at each other and I mention this to my partner but was told to stop been silly etc etc all the lads stick together the women together but I did notice Karl been quite nice to me (hindsight) buying me drinks and shots knowing that's my weak point. Later that night I can't find Stacey or Karl for hat matter but the turn up in the end nothing more thought. The following day is my other pals christening and I'm godfather to my mates twins, I get up feeling rough as but ready all the same but my partner will not get up......very strange she puts it down to feeling rough but never in near 10 years has she not got up..... I explained we needed to set off like now and went down stairs to wait for her, I fall asleep ! Wake up and go upstairs and my partner isn't there , I call her as I'd slept through the whole christening and asked why she didn't wake me up as you would ! She said she had also fallen asleep and went to go get the kids knowing we wouldn't be going to the christening now as it would have probably finished....I felt awful just truly awful ! I pick up my iPad to go onto FB for it still to be signed into my partners FB acc and it had msgs from my partner and Karl confirming she was dropping off HIS KEYS ! Bearing in mind how would she know where my mate lived ! And why would she have is keys more the point !?
I fly off the handle as you can imagine contact my pal he says he has no idea what I'm talking about but I explain I know she had his keys etc and they both confirm it was all a mistake, he'd bought some drinks while getting his money out his keys fell to the ground my partner picked them up but been pi55ed forgot to give him them back...... They was enough for me to nearly have a mental breakdown. All my suspicions had come to fruition I was right all along I confronted my partner and she denied all and promised NOTHING had happened just a few msg on FB and txt but nothing else. We both promised to put this situation behind us and really try to focus on us and the KIDS !
Things seemed to get better, more talking more [censored] more everything, we seemed to be getting somewhere but still in the back of my mind things didn't always marry up so to speak... I work shifts and she would ask for the next couple months of days off but she had never asked before, she would mention the girls were going out and would I mind if she stayed out which I said NO based on what had happened only a couple of months ago but that was that she couldn't really argue really. As said [censored] was better than ever if u ask me different things happening again this arose suspicion but I didn't think anything of it, she even asked me to wear condoms and in the tens years or so of been with her she hasn't really ever mentioned this ! Again as things seemed to be improving with us both I just ignored the gut feelings I have about things not been right.
Then randomly one day I pick up her unlocked phone....I just look as her msgs and notice there was a seperate file that I'd not seen before and look inside and it said something about thanks for the help while I'm running she really appreciated it. I take down the number and call it and it's Karl's number ! She had only just recently started running too so my mind goes into over drive, she hadn't been going running she had been going to meet Karl or that's my paranoid self thinking this !
I confront her about this and she just couldn't lie anymore and said she had still been texting Karl and had kept in touch even though I'd explicitly said I wasn't comfortable with this happening and I thought they were having an affair ! Again and still to this day she says nothing EVER happened he was just there to talk to and flirt with now and again (over 1000 msgs on FB msger) so a lot more offen than she is making out I guess.
Now I have just poured out my heart of distress this is where my problem lies, I just can't get it out of my head, I can't seem to trust anything she says or does EVER ! I want to but I just can't ! I'm continually questioning her about it accusing her of things and also running through the million and one questions I'd asked her while she was doing what ever it was with Karl and she had replied to me with a lie to benefit her affair where it be physical or otherwise, it's the unknown that's killing me inside out ! I just can't settle as my mind is thinking about if they had had [censored] what was done and how she could have lied to me to do this while I was probably at home looking after OUR kids !
I will give her some credit though she has coped with me calling her all the names under the sun since it's happened and when EVER we argue it always boils down to this situation !
All I want is for us to be back to what we had before all this happened I miss her so so much, she was my friend as well as my partner or so I thought. We have tried and tried so hard but it's ME that just can't let go of the past to move forward with out it raising its head now and again. I'm going to lose her if I'm not careful and I don't blame her as I must be awful to live with at the min, I'm never happen or rarely unlike what I used to be like. I'm just lost and can't be bothered anymore with anything and do have bad thoughts about not been here and would that be easier than having this issue rattling about in my mind all the time. I go to the gym near enough daily and that helps I have a good diet and don't drink offen (when I do I generally go overboard)
I'm just after a some advice on what could help my mind settle and what I can do to move on in life, she still says nothing happened and won't budge on that so I guess I just have to live with that side of things but what's your opinion on if she did or didn't do anything. What you you guys do give bathe situation ?
I have 2 lovely kids and can't even imagine living without them and splitting up as my parents split up and it proper messed me and my brother up later in like and right now and I think this is why I'm finding it so hard to get over this situation.
Any help and advice is more that welcome, sorry for the novel but I just need to get it all out !

Thanks for reading

Loving Dad of 2

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 06/09/2017 4:17 pm
(@Paul_6611)
Reputable Member Registered

To be honest I don't know what to make of the situation. I know that I would be uncomfortable with my partner flirting with someone else but that would't necessarily mean that they were having an affair. Flirting can often be harmless but can lead to something more. Without knowing for definite you're left in a situation where your mind works overtime and you're unsure how to proceed.

Maybe your partner just feels flattered by the attention she's getting? Maybe you're just over-reacting to something that's innocent. Either way, I think you need to put yourself and your children first. If it does turn out for the worst, you'll be in a much better position to deal with things if you're on top of your emotional well-being and you're doing the best for your kids. No matter what happens, they need you. They need dad! Don't let things get you so down that you lose sight of that.

If it was me I think I would ask my partner if she was happy in our relationship and ask if she thought it should continue. Have a good long talk about what you both want in a non-confrontational way. Maybe relationship counselling might be worth looking into?

ReplyQuote
Posted : 06/09/2017 10:39 pm
(@got-the-tshirt)
Famed Member Registered

Hi There,
.
I can't comment on what your partner may or may not have done, and even if I did it wouldn't be fair, I can see from the things that you have written why you feel that someting did happen, it does all sound a bit suspsect, especially when you already feel that your friend is a womanizer.
.
I think you and your partner would benifit from some counselling, I would look at relate and see if your partner would attend with you, couples counselling would give you both space to be open and honest about how you feel.
.
If your partner says nothing happened then you have to either accept this and move on which relate could help you with, or if you don't think you can do this, then you would have to make the decision on whether you can continue to live this way.
.
I do feel for you to have these thoughts constantly must be [censored] to live with.
.
Do you think your partner would attend counselling with you?
.
GTTS

ReplyQuote
Posted : 06/09/2017 10:59 pm
(@Rich1979)
Active Member Registered

Thanks for the reply, I've asked her to come with me to counciling but she just won't entertain the idea at all, she is quite a closed person in general so won't open up to anyone else about OUR relationship.... I've asked countless times for her to come to relate with me to no avail !
It's actions like that that gets my heading spinning and questioning WHY ?

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 07/09/2017 2:05 am
(@Rich1979)
Active Member Registered

That's the thing, the biggest problem I have is I know what my ex mate is like I've known him 20 plus years he used to brag about the things he got up to and on many occasion proved it with pic evidence, it's those thoughts he has done summat and treated my partner in this sick and derogatory way and just used her for his own gains that's driving me crazy. Plus the fact she knew this and still did what she did. It makes her look cheap, she did mention to me that he'd sent a msg on FB she said look I'm with Rich and his reply was well if you wasn't ud be with me...., cheeky fker ! It's at this point I ask why did she not mention this to me rather than keep it quite ! To the get caught with keys and going caught sending msgs on FB msger even after I'd explained we could split up if she was caught doing it again to then get caught a second time ! She risked MY family she risked my kids not having a dad to bring up his kids in a warm family unit of togetherness with trust and peace in the household ! Ahhhhh why could she not show me some respect and honour her self and her family and tell him where to go ! It's those thoughts there that are killing me from inside !

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 07/09/2017 2:17 am
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

This is a gut wrenching situation for you and to be honest, if you want to try and find a way out of this mess, I would advise that you both seek counselling. It sounds to me though that in your heart you think that much more went on than she's admitting to and it's this that's tearing you up, the dishonesty continues.

Having said that look at the other side of the coin, if she lays it down, warts and all, do you think your relationship could survive the "knowing". Sometimes the best course of action is to accept that some things are best left unsaid, if there's to be any chance of moving on and repairing the damage.

It will take supreme effort to to truly forgive her and let it go, but that's what is absolutely necessary if you are to get through this. Counselling will help you both to explore all of the buried emotions, buried because you both fear that if they surface It will end...she has the same fear as you, she just has a different way of dealing with it.

Here's a link to Relate, they offer counselling by phone, online and face to face and although it will cost, if it can help you it will be worth it.

www.relate.org.uk

All the best

ReplyQuote
Posted : 07/09/2017 3:49 am
(@Nappyking)
Active Member Registered

Just a quick bit of advice I can throw in. I discovered a guy on youtube called Corey wayne, he has a book out called how to be a 3% man. Id highly recommend his book but I am sure he may have a few videos on your subject.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12/09/2017 9:40 pm
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