[Solved] Fatherhood is not what I expected....help!

I loved reading this topic......

......I have an 8 year old and a 7 month old so am just starting to get the hang of things ....

I'm afraid not - this just means that your children are just getting the hang of creating the illusion that you are 😀

Hi,

Again thans for all the comments and suggestions - its really, really apreciated.

I would love to be able to say thing are improving in our relationship.....but sadly I am still very fearful that there is a lot of resnetment building under the surface.

Firstly though, we have now managed to get the baby into a better routine (thank you Gina Ford! - controversial but it seems to work!) which has meant that she is now sleeping thorugh most nights at just under 4 months - from speaking to other people I understand this is pretty good - so we are now getting a much better nights sleep.

However, althought we are talking - it always seems to be about me and my problems. My wife is now pretty fed up of being my counsellor as well as my partner and im worried that im offering her nothing much in return - she has her own issues to deal with.am i dont feel like im much help. I still seem to have a big problems with actively listening and letting her finish speaking. Im bloddy terrible but I cant seem to stop myself! I have never thought of myself as selfish person - but I'm now starting to realise that I am very selfish and just thinking this way is selfish in itself. When we argue my anxiety just kicks into overtime and I try to overcompensate for everything. The result is that Im spreading myself too thin, trying to hard and continuing to create more problems.

Does any one have any advice on trying to be less selfish within a relationship, as I seem to be in entrenched in a pattern of thinking all about "me" and not about "we"?

thanks in advance.

Skins

How about you arranging a regular night when you just talk about any issues she has - it might be hard at first not to come back with ".. yes, but.....", but if you keep trying, and she sees that you are trying, it may help. Equally, you could have nights when you speak about your problems. I'd also limit the time you do this, so a whole evening isn't gone - perhaps you set a couple of hours but also book a restaurant or cinema - the talking stops when you go out, so there is a good ending to the evening.

Oh crikey..I didn't know who Gina Ford was either or why she would be controversial! 😆 So back to Google I went. Hmmm I felt she seemed a little regimented, but as you said, it works..and like I said on another post, what suits one person doesn't always suit another...it suits your baby so keep it up!! I think I said before, there are many "experts" out there...Dr Spock being the most notorious think!! 😆 Having had my own children, I think there is no one expert out there, but many, they each have their own ways, that are all safe, so all their own ways are a great guide for new parents, because they are safe 🙂

Good news that the baby is sleeping through the night too!! 🙂

Now to take a hold of your talking and not listening! I don't have any good ideas for this, other than counselling and you don't discuss your problems with your wife all the time at least! As for when she is trying to talk to you, perhaps you could give her permission (I say that tongue in cheek! 😆 ) to hit you lightly, kick you lightly or something, so she doesn't have to say anything to you, but she does something that you know immediately to shut up.... You don't have to take my idea literally ...I am just trying to show that there is a way it could be handled 🙂

Do you know that you start about your problems once your wife starts talking to you? Do you know you do it at the time you actually do it? I was wondering whether something like an elastic band on your wrist, if you know you start doing it twang the band on your wrist to make your stop yourself. It might sound silly but it is recommended for some problems.

Do you talk like this with your friends/boozer friends/football friends/work colleagues? If not why not? Is there something that stops you?

I like what actd says about setting aside time to talk too and going out afterwards.

I recognise a lot of the problems you mention... I think they may be quite common! 😀

What has really helped me is a couple of simple things... sharing problems with other male friends, spending quality time with the family, and above all, the slow realisation that I will never be perfect, but we can slowly learn together... also, saying "sorry" a lot 😉

Nobody is perfect...thank heavens!!
Sorry does work wonders as does kicking yourself up the backside sometimes! 😆
Laughter is the best. My old man and I take the Michael out of ourselves and each other so much ....laughing is much more fun!

Hi Skins,

How are things going now? Have things got better ?

Thanks

Gooner

Hi Goonerplum,

Sorry for the long delay in replying. Things started to improve. Our daughter started sleeping through, feeding got easier and we are now weening her which, although messy is great fun. However, the other week things took a turn for the worse. We were out for my wifes birthday with her and my family. It had been a stressful morning and whilst at the restuarant my wife was a bit short with me in front of everyone and a bit rude to my mother who left the table then came back a few minutes later.. It was all a bit awkward at the time but I thought nothing of it at the time.

The next day my brother rang me up absolutely ranging about my wifes behaviour, how she had no respect and had updet everyone. I've tried, unsuccessfuly, to resolve the situation but it has driven a wedge between my family and my wife and I. I am torn beteeen the the people who form my support network and my wife and child. On the one hand my family have said that they just want us to be happy and will always be heare for us, but underliying it all I feel the simply dont like my wife and have run out of patience with her. On the other hand my wife is upset because ahe thinks I am not supporting her and backing her up when she needs it and always go running off to my family who she claims keep sticking their noses in.

I'm fast approaching my wits end. Im a bag of anxiety, sleeping about 2 hours a night (currently in separte rooms) and dont know what to do for the best. I feel I should just compartmentalise; foucs on my wife and child for now and keep my my family at arms lenght for a while, but my wife is reaching the end of her tether with me. I have no self confidence and have become clingy and needy, afraid to make any descisions and just defer to her on everything to try to placate her - but its havng the opposite effect. I cant concentrate on anything, work is suffering, and i cant pay attention to the simple things like our daughters well being.

Would apreciate any advice you may have - I really need to man up, but I simply dont know how.

cheers

Skins.

Hi Skins,

You seem incredibly down on yourself at the moment.

Things started to improve. Our daughter started sleeping through, feeding got easier and we are now weening her which, although messy is great fun.

This sounded really positive. What did the two of you do that made your relationship work better? Was it simply down to your daughter sleeping through or did you and your wife do something different?

On the one hand my family have said that they just want us to be happy and will always be heare for us, but underliying it all I feel the simply dont like my wife and have run out of patience with her. On the other hand my wife is upset because she thinks I am not supporting her and backing her up when she needs it and always go running off to my family who she claims keep sticking their noses in.

I would imagine that you feel a little caught in the middle between your wife on one side and your family on the other side. How do you think you could solve this issue without pulling back from either relationship ? Is there something you could do to try to sort this out ?

Did you and your wife try the 'Date Night' idea that was suggested?

Sometimes it's easier to when we feel that we have a lot of issues if you concentrate on one issue at a time. If you could solve just one of the issues at the moment what would that be ? How do you think you could try to solve that issue?

Really looking forward to chatting again.

Gooner

Hi Gooner,

Thanks for yuor reply - it helps just knowing there is a mechanism to discuss theis sort of thing.

m not really sure what we did to improve the situation - I think it was mainly that our daughter had her tongue tie operation and started to feed much better and quicker meaning my wife got a break and some rest. She started to feel more comfortable which meant we could both relax more. She was still a bit narky with me and thinks I need to take more repsonsibility - she has a point - but therse only so much I can do whilst holding down a full time job. We have done date night etc and we make time for each other - but that might even be part of the problem as she thinks I smother her too much. but now the first 6 months of out daughters life is under our belt, things are getting a little easier and when its just the three of us i can just about keep things o nan even keel. the problem is.......

......regarding this situation with my family - its seems to be descending rapidally. I told my wife that I was really struggling to deal with the animosity and it felt like I was spirallsing towards a breakdown. This seemed to invoke some change in her - I guess at the thought of losing me. She decided to step in and speak to my brother directly to resolve the issue but they ended up having a blazing row and now she feels terrible as she thinks she has made matters worse. The two of them just come from different worlds and just cant find any common ground. We are now really nervous about speaking to my parents as they usually side with him. We are desparatley not trying to alienate anyone, but I can see the divide opening up already. Cant bear the thought of not having that closesness with my family, but my first prioirty has to be with my wife and daughter right?

All I can do at the moment is send out the message that no situation is unresolvable, and that if we keep the communication channels open, hopefully we can steer a course though it. Im trying to mediate on all sides but its taking its toll on me. My parents come from a bottle-it-all-up-stiff-upper-lip-generation, but my wife is from a if-theres-a-problem-deal-with-it-now mindset.

If i could only solve one issue it would be for my parents and my wife and I to have a open honest relationship. We can only do this by talking through our issues, but im so worried that the act of talking it through will lead to arguments that im not sure I even want to have the discusison in the first place. I can live with my brother and wife not getting along, not happy about it, but they werent all that close in the first place - i will still see him down the pub, and go to the football with him etc, - its never going to be quite the same - but we can deal with it.

Man, life is hard sometimes......and having an anxiety disorder doesnt help - but at least im not a Sunderland fan!

Cheers and thanks for your advice - you must have heard it all by now.

Skins

Skins,

Thanks for replying.

All I can do at the moment is send out the message that no situation is unresolvable, and that if we keep the communication channels open, hopefully we can steer a course though it.

That seems like the right attitude to have.

If i could only solve one issue it would be for my parents and my wife and I to have a open honest relationship. We can only do this by talking through our issues, but im so worried that the act of talking it through will lead to arguments that im not sure I even want to have the discusison in the first place. I can live with my brother and wife not getting along, not happy about it, but they werent all that close in the first place - i will still see him down the pub, and go to the football with him etc, - its never going to be quite the same - but we can deal with it.

I can imagine why you're worried about this. This seems to be the big one that you need to sort out. If you're worried about all sitting down and talking it through, because of the fear of futher arguments is there maybe another way you could sort this out with your parents?

Gooner

Hi Gooner,

Well, my wife and I have sat down with my parents and had a good talk. I think we are on an even keel with them - we all seem to be getting along on the surface which has made me feel more comfortable about things. the problem is now just between mt wife and brother. They are still at loggerheads, both have become more entrenched in their positions and neither want to back down. I am stuck in the middle; I can see both sides of the argument though. My brother doesnt have kids (yet) and is not beein empathic to the strains it can put on you - he seems obsssed with trying to be proven right. I think he is being unresonable trying to demand an apology from my wife, when the issue was between her and my mum (for which she had apologies and has now been resolved). On the other hand my wife can be argumentative and doesnt really like him on a personal level which has carried over into this argument. She feels she deserves and apology for the way he spoke to her when they tried (unsuccessfully) to resolve the situation. Basically a complete mess between two stubborn people. My loyality is obviously to my wife and daughter first and foremost but she knows I wont stop seeing my borther.

So there we have it, neither want to apologise first so we are facing a standoff which is stressing out everyone. I dont want to cut anyone off but my brother is now stating that he will find it difficult to be around us so we are facing some time apart. Im not happy about this, but my wife thinks its for the best to have some time and space away from him. I just dont know what to think or feel anymore.

Anyway thanks for your feedback. When I read some of the other threads on this forum, I realise how my issues are small beer and really this is just a small family drama which will probably resolve itself in time.