[Solved] Fatherhood is not what I expected....help!

Hi skins and welcome 🙂

Firstly big congratulations on the arrival of your baby girl! Life changes drastically once a little one arrives and disrupts it all. You are not alone in the way you are feeling, lots of men feel this way and its not your fault!

Your wife and you will be suffering from lack of sleep, lack of experience (babies dont come with instructions!) and not taking time out to be together anymore...everything revolves around the baby atr the moment, but it rather pushes everything else out of the way.

As your wife is breastfeeding it does make it more difficult for you to take over this job, its really quite common for a baby not to want to feed from a bottle, she has preferences even at such a young age! Try different teats there are some very good ones on the market... and wind her more frequently through the feed. If shes holding onto it try lying her tummy down across your lap and rub her back upwards from waist to shoulder in a circular movement. She may well be suffering from colic, and if shes got tummy pain this willl effect her sleep. A sign of this is if she pulls her knees up towards her chest sharply. Again there are products on the market that can help with colic...I used to swear by gripe water for mine!

As far as your self esteem is concerned, I think you should arrange for a grandparent or auntie/uncle to babysit for a couple of hours and go out, maybe for a meal or just down to the pub for a drink....the important thing here is somewhere that you can sit and relax and have a chat. Tell her how you are feeling and ask for her to help you by cutting you a little slack, remind her that you are a team and that you are both on a huge learning curve. Tell her what a good mum she is and how hard you are trying but your confidence is at a low ebb and you need her to help you get back on track.

You could give the Health Visitor a call and ask her advice, she may be able to recommend some technique... but babies often dont play ball and it is really just about trial and error.

We all make mistakes, I was always wrapping my babies up for fear of them becoming cold! Little accidents can happen to anyone...when you're carrying her around in the dark put her up and over your shoulder instead of across your body, then you wont knoch her head...we all make mistakes, you just have to learn from them! When its your job to pack the bag make a list before you start, my daughter is always forgetting to put something in the bag...wipes usually! Its no big deal and as she gets older these things will fade into insignificance.

Best of luck with it and hopefully some of the Dads will be along to share their experiences and feelings of inadequacy ;;) and help you to realize that what you are going through is just par for the course! 🙂

Hi and welcome.

I remember (a very, very long time ago) when my ex was pregnant with our first, both of us insisting to anyone who would listen that it wouldn't change our life, and that the baby would just slot in nicely with our existing life. Yeah, right - that's really going to happen!

I would suggest that sometimes you take up your wife's suggestion that you sleep in the other room (only sometimes) BUT you insist that in return, she gets some sleep when you get home from work or at weekends - hopefully that way, you can both get some rest, because at the moment neither of you are getting enough sleep, which will make you both irritable, and the baby will pick up on that - not a good situation for anyone. If you are both rested (and it will take a while to catch up on sleep), you are both going to be more confident with each other, and with the baby. And definitely go with NJs suggestion of getting some time away from the baby, you both need it.

You have had some excellent advice from NJ and actd. Don't forget your wife is also a new mum and probably equally as scared!

One of mine was rather difficult to wind and I found that during feeding I would stop and sit her on my knee and then stand her on my lap, the "crouching" and then stretching the baby works a treat! It wont hurt to try, there are various ways to wind. To get one to sleep I would bounce in her baby bouncer and the harder I bounced it the more she loved it and went to sleep! LOL! My son, would have to go to sleep on the ex's chest, while I remained awake, settled down to the heartbeat and then I moved him to his cot.

Lack of sleep will make you both irritable as heck! keep trying with bottle feeding, from the sound of it you are making yourself anxious, you sound less confident, and that will transfer to baby, you must handle her with confidence. 🙂 As NJ suggested, trying different teats is a great idea too...she may need a teat with a larger hole for instance.

As for picking the baby bag, keep a little list handy, something that you can refer to. I always packed mine. I don't know many fathers who have done!

Definitely tell your wife how you feel, go out on a date night...having babies is hard work! And you could also share swapping bedrooms so your wife gets some sleep to. Encourage your wife to have a nap during the day.

There is no set rule for being a parent, you just have to try everything you can, safely of course. Dr Spock wrote a ton of rubbish, Dr Jolly was my favourite and he was very much one for suggesting ways you can do things, there is no "one" way.

I cant tell you how many mistakes I made when I had children! 😆

The baby bouncer story conjured up memories EnyaM, one of mine was exactly the same! 😆

I remembered another winding technique, sit baby on one of your legs with their legs dangling, support their head but also spread your hand so that the palm is supporting the top half of their body, use the other hand to support their back and move their bodies in a circular motion...bringing them quite a way forward and then backwards...this motion along with the firm support from your hands helps to move the wind, hopefully in the right direction!

You can also try putting a clock that ticks in their cot and I believe the dvds of sounds to help babies sleep do actually work!

Then NJ if we did that now, social services would be straight in! 😆

That's another good way of winding to!

Ahem....I don't think we had dvds with baby sounds then! LOL!!! (Cant remember now it was so far back! LOL!)

😆 ....didn't have dvd's either! Ahhh the not so good good old days! 😆

Hi all and massive thanks to you all for the excellent advice.

My wife and I have talked a lot over the last few days and we both agree that whilst there are problems, these are being magnified by the lack of sleep, making us both irritable and irrational. We have agreed a few ways that I can get some more sleep and try to get back from work earlier so she can get a break.

You are right in what you say that you have to be confident with children, something which I have been lacking. But I'm trying to get back to basics and rebuild some of my self esteem which will hopefully help me get a better handle on this.

The winding tips are much appreciated, I have tried a few and the stretching seems to work the best. she still wont feed from a bottle but Im trying daily and hopefully she will get used to it with time and practice.

will talk again soon.

thanks again

Skins

That sounds great and thank goodness you have both spoken about it 🙂

Once babies are successfully breastfed they are very hard to accept the bottles, its not your fault, but just keep persisting.

Does your wife have a good friend or relative who could help out? There is no shame in asking for some help - someone who could come in during the day perhaps. And as for the housework, well that will just have to wait!

Oh no NJ ...my memory is getting worse 😆 It was VHS and tapes then hey! 😆

HI Skins,

I'm a dad of a teenager - Guess what, I still make stupid mistakes and have feelings of inadequacy. It's normal, welcome to parenthood. :whistle:

Stop beating yourself up and expecting yourself to be perfect. I bet your wife is also questioning her ability as a mum as well.

With a new born though it's the lack of sleep for the parents that is the real issue. Tiredness magnifies the small stuff.

It's great that the two of you are talking it through. I agree with the comments about some 'you time', for you and your wife. It's important that the two of you try to have some time together as a couple.

I loved reading this topic... If for nothing else but to make me feel human.

I have an 8 year old and a 7 month old so am just starting to get the hang of things I think.

Parenting is always a challenge and we all make mistakes - I do regularly.

Team work is the key... Invest in your relationship and make sure its not all about baby!!!

For the wind problems, maybe look at doing a baby massage course together... Its something you can share together and has lots of very helpful treatments you can learn... Also helps no end with bonding between you and your child.

Skins,

I think the advice you have had so far is great.

I thought I would go down the you are not alone path. Check out new dad Scott's blog entry on Lack of sleep.
You could also check out our article about Babies and Sleep. There is some really useful stuff in there and you may find some of the other links in the article of help as well.

I will echo the "It's great the two of you are communicating" sentiment. Keeping talking your issues through and supporting each other.

Gooner

I loved reading this topic......

......I have an 8 year old and a 7 month old so am just starting to get the hang of things ....

I'm afraid not - this just means that your children are just getting the hang of creating the illusion that you are 😀

Hi,

Again thans for all the comments and suggestions - its really, really apreciated.

I would love to be able to say thing are improving in our relationship.....but sadly I am still very fearful that there is a lot of resnetment building under the surface.

Firstly though, we have now managed to get the baby into a better routine (thank you Gina Ford! - controversial but it seems to work!) which has meant that she is now sleeping thorugh most nights at just under 4 months - from speaking to other people I understand this is pretty good - so we are now getting a much better nights sleep.

However, althought we are talking - it always seems to be about me and my problems. My wife is now pretty fed up of being my counsellor as well as my partner and im worried that im offering her nothing much in return - she has her own issues to deal with.am i dont feel like im much help. I still seem to have a big problems with actively listening and letting her finish speaking. Im bloddy terrible but I cant seem to stop myself! I have never thought of myself as selfish person - but I'm now starting to realise that I am very selfish and just thinking this way is selfish in itself. When we argue my anxiety just kicks into overtime and I try to overcompensate for everything. The result is that Im spreading myself too thin, trying to hard and continuing to create more problems.

Does any one have any advice on trying to be less selfish within a relationship, as I seem to be in entrenched in a pattern of thinking all about "me" and not about "we"?

thanks in advance.

Skins

How about you arranging a regular night when you just talk about any issues she has - it might be hard at first not to come back with ".. yes, but.....", but if you keep trying, and she sees that you are trying, it may help. Equally, you could have nights when you speak about your problems. I'd also limit the time you do this, so a whole evening isn't gone - perhaps you set a couple of hours but also book a restaurant or cinema - the talking stops when you go out, so there is a good ending to the evening.

Oh crikey..I didn't know who Gina Ford was either or why she would be controversial! 😆 So back to Google I went. Hmmm I felt she seemed a little regimented, but as you said, it works..and like I said on another post, what suits one person doesn't always suit another...it suits your baby so keep it up!! I think I said before, there are many "experts" out there...Dr Spock being the most notorious think!! 😆 Having had my own children, I think there is no one expert out there, but many, they each have their own ways, that are all safe, so all their own ways are a great guide for new parents, because they are safe 🙂

Good news that the baby is sleeping through the night too!! 🙂

Now to take a hold of your talking and not listening! I don't have any good ideas for this, other than counselling and you don't discuss your problems with your wife all the time at least! As for when she is trying to talk to you, perhaps you could give her permission (I say that tongue in cheek! 😆 ) to hit you lightly, kick you lightly or something, so she doesn't have to say anything to you, but she does something that you know immediately to shut up.... You don't have to take my idea literally ...I am just trying to show that there is a way it could be handled 🙂

Do you know that you start about your problems once your wife starts talking to you? Do you know you do it at the time you actually do it? I was wondering whether something like an elastic band on your wrist, if you know you start doing it twang the band on your wrist to make your stop yourself. It might sound silly but it is recommended for some problems.

Do you talk like this with your friends/boozer friends/football friends/work colleagues? If not why not? Is there something that stops you?

I like what actd says about setting aside time to talk too and going out afterwards.

I recognise a lot of the problems you mention... I think they may be quite common! 😀

What has really helped me is a couple of simple things... sharing problems with other male friends, spending quality time with the family, and above all, the slow realisation that I will never be perfect, but we can slowly learn together... also, saying "sorry" a lot 😉

Nobody is perfect...thank heavens!!
Sorry does work wonders as does kicking yourself up the backside sometimes! 😆
Laughter is the best. My old man and I take the Michael out of ourselves and each other so much ....laughing is much more fun!

Hi Skins,

How are things going now? Have things got better ?

Thanks

Gooner

Hi Goonerplum,

Sorry for the long delay in replying. Things started to improve. Our daughter started sleeping through, feeding got easier and we are now weening her which, although messy is great fun. However, the other week things took a turn for the worse. We were out for my wifes birthday with her and my family. It had been a stressful morning and whilst at the restuarant my wife was a bit short with me in front of everyone and a bit rude to my mother who left the table then came back a few minutes later.. It was all a bit awkward at the time but I thought nothing of it at the time.

The next day my brother rang me up absolutely ranging about my wifes behaviour, how she had no respect and had updet everyone. I've tried, unsuccessfuly, to resolve the situation but it has driven a wedge between my family and my wife and I. I am torn beteeen the the people who form my support network and my wife and child. On the one hand my family have said that they just want us to be happy and will always be heare for us, but underliying it all I feel the simply dont like my wife and have run out of patience with her. On the other hand my wife is upset because ahe thinks I am not supporting her and backing her up when she needs it and always go running off to my family who she claims keep sticking their noses in.

I'm fast approaching my wits end. Im a bag of anxiety, sleeping about 2 hours a night (currently in separte rooms) and dont know what to do for the best. I feel I should just compartmentalise; foucs on my wife and child for now and keep my my family at arms lenght for a while, but my wife is reaching the end of her tether with me. I have no self confidence and have become clingy and needy, afraid to make any descisions and just defer to her on everything to try to placate her - but its havng the opposite effect. I cant concentrate on anything, work is suffering, and i cant pay attention to the simple things like our daughters well being.

Would apreciate any advice you may have - I really need to man up, but I simply dont know how.

cheers

Skins.

Hi Skins,

You seem incredibly down on yourself at the moment.

Things started to improve. Our daughter started sleeping through, feeding got easier and we are now weening her which, although messy is great fun.

This sounded really positive. What did the two of you do that made your relationship work better? Was it simply down to your daughter sleeping through or did you and your wife do something different?

On the one hand my family have said that they just want us to be happy and will always be heare for us, but underliying it all I feel the simply dont like my wife and have run out of patience with her. On the other hand my wife is upset because she thinks I am not supporting her and backing her up when she needs it and always go running off to my family who she claims keep sticking their noses in.

I would imagine that you feel a little caught in the middle between your wife on one side and your family on the other side. How do you think you could solve this issue without pulling back from either relationship ? Is there something you could do to try to sort this out ?

Did you and your wife try the 'Date Night' idea that was suggested?

Sometimes it's easier to when we feel that we have a lot of issues if you concentrate on one issue at a time. If you could solve just one of the issues at the moment what would that be ? How do you think you could try to solve that issue?

Really looking forward to chatting again.

Gooner

Hi Gooner,

Thanks for yuor reply - it helps just knowing there is a mechanism to discuss theis sort of thing.

m not really sure what we did to improve the situation - I think it was mainly that our daughter had her tongue tie operation and started to feed much better and quicker meaning my wife got a break and some rest. She started to feel more comfortable which meant we could both relax more. She was still a bit narky with me and thinks I need to take more repsonsibility - she has a point - but therse only so much I can do whilst holding down a full time job. We have done date night etc and we make time for each other - but that might even be part of the problem as she thinks I smother her too much. but now the first 6 months of out daughters life is under our belt, things are getting a little easier and when its just the three of us i can just about keep things o nan even keel. the problem is.......

......regarding this situation with my family - its seems to be descending rapidally. I told my wife that I was really struggling to deal with the animosity and it felt like I was spirallsing towards a breakdown. This seemed to invoke some change in her - I guess at the thought of losing me. She decided to step in and speak to my brother directly to resolve the issue but they ended up having a blazing row and now she feels terrible as she thinks she has made matters worse. The two of them just come from different worlds and just cant find any common ground. We are now really nervous about speaking to my parents as they usually side with him. We are desparatley not trying to alienate anyone, but I can see the divide opening up already. Cant bear the thought of not having that closesness with my family, but my first prioirty has to be with my wife and daughter right?

All I can do at the moment is send out the message that no situation is unresolvable, and that if we keep the communication channels open, hopefully we can steer a course though it. Im trying to mediate on all sides but its taking its toll on me. My parents come from a bottle-it-all-up-stiff-upper-lip-generation, but my wife is from a if-theres-a-problem-deal-with-it-now mindset.

If i could only solve one issue it would be for my parents and my wife and I to have a open honest relationship. We can only do this by talking through our issues, but im so worried that the act of talking it through will lead to arguments that im not sure I even want to have the discusison in the first place. I can live with my brother and wife not getting along, not happy about it, but they werent all that close in the first place - i will still see him down the pub, and go to the football with him etc, - its never going to be quite the same - but we can deal with it.

Man, life is hard sometimes......and having an anxiety disorder doesnt help - but at least im not a Sunderland fan!

Cheers and thanks for your advice - you must have heard it all by now.

Skins

Skins,

Thanks for replying.

All I can do at the moment is send out the message that no situation is unresolvable, and that if we keep the communication channels open, hopefully we can steer a course though it.

That seems like the right attitude to have.

If i could only solve one issue it would be for my parents and my wife and I to have a open honest relationship. We can only do this by talking through our issues, but im so worried that the act of talking it through will lead to arguments that im not sure I even want to have the discusison in the first place. I can live with my brother and wife not getting along, not happy about it, but they werent all that close in the first place - i will still see him down the pub, and go to the football with him etc, - its never going to be quite the same - but we can deal with it.

I can imagine why you're worried about this. This seems to be the big one that you need to sort out. If you're worried about all sitting down and talking it through, because of the fear of futher arguments is there maybe another way you could sort this out with your parents?

Gooner

Hi Gooner,

Well, my wife and I have sat down with my parents and had a good talk. I think we are on an even keel with them - we all seem to be getting along on the surface which has made me feel more comfortable about things. the problem is now just between mt wife and brother. They are still at loggerheads, both have become more entrenched in their positions and neither want to back down. I am stuck in the middle; I can see both sides of the argument though. My brother doesnt have kids (yet) and is not beein empathic to the strains it can put on you - he seems obsssed with trying to be proven right. I think he is being unresonable trying to demand an apology from my wife, when the issue was between her and my mum (for which she had apologies and has now been resolved). On the other hand my wife can be argumentative and doesnt really like him on a personal level which has carried over into this argument. She feels she deserves and apology for the way he spoke to her when they tried (unsuccessfully) to resolve the situation. Basically a complete mess between two stubborn people. My loyality is obviously to my wife and daughter first and foremost but she knows I wont stop seeing my borther.

So there we have it, neither want to apologise first so we are facing a standoff which is stressing out everyone. I dont want to cut anyone off but my brother is now stating that he will find it difficult to be around us so we are facing some time apart. Im not happy about this, but my wife thinks its for the best to have some time and space away from him. I just dont know what to think or feel anymore.

Anyway thanks for your feedback. When I read some of the other threads on this forum, I realise how my issues are small beer and really this is just a small family drama which will probably resolve itself in time.

Hi Skins,

When I read some of the other threads on this forum, I realise how my issues are small beer and really this is just a small family drama which will probably resolve itself in time.

No members issue is ever small beer. Everyone's issue is important and serious to them as everyone elses. We are happy to offer support and advice no matter how serious the issue.

my wife and I have sat down with my parents and had a good talk. I think we are on an even keel with them - we all seem to be getting along on the surface which has made me feel more comfortable about things.

That is excellent news. I'm glad you were able to talk and smooth things over. That must be a weight off your mind.

Is there any chance your parents could intervene with your brother? Explain that for the sake of family harmony that it would be easier if he let past arguments slide and focus on getting on together ?

Maybe its time both your wife and brother accepted that they both could have made the situation worse but the only way to move on is to try to get on together for the sake of the family, your sanity and your daughter. Surely she would be happier knowing her uncle and mother, whilst not great friends respect each other and are civil ? It only takes one of them to be the bigger person and then the other to respond in kind.

Keep talking
Gooner.

I agree gooner - a problem is a problem and needs sorting out however insignificant it may seem at the time (and big problems are often small problems that didn't get sorted soon enough). That's what we're here to help with.

Hi,

Your'e right - little problems can become big ones. I thought we had sorted thing sout with my parents, but things seem to have gone backwards and now my wife doesnt want to sepnd any time with them at the moment. This is really diifcult as they want to see their granddaughter. Talking thorugh it, its clear there are long standing issues from my parents towards my wife which have gone unsaid for a long time and now she thinks they dont like her depsite what they say. I really dont know how it will get resolved as every discussion seems to magnify the probelm rather than deal with it. Im edging closer to a breakdown and putting too much stain on my wife to help me through it when she has enough to deal with at the moment.

She really wants me to get better, for me, for her and for our daughter. She wants me to and get some help to create some longterm coping strategies to deal with my anxiety. I just keep fobbing it off but now I think its time I got some proffessional help - its starting to consume me and I really dont like the feeling. I can go from confident to a gibbering wreck in a matter of seconds.

Cheers guys

Skins

Your wife seems to have the right idea - you need to have those coping strategies so it's definitely worth getting some help. I'd see your GP as a first step - it really can help if you can know what is going on in your own head, what brings it on and how to manage your reaction.

Being a parent for the first time is difficult, but you will soon learn and generally will not make the same mistake twice. What I am trying to say is, its the same for everyone. Breast feeding is very hard for mom's, milk generally takes many weeks to develop and therefore takes a lot longer in the early stages. your partner will be very tired and likewise you will be too.

Us men rely on women more than we like to admit. Perhaps attach a check list to the travel bag. Or keep track of what you have used and keep the bag in good stock at all times. this will help your partner when you are not around and she needs to pop out.

My daughter is two and my experience suggests it gets easier when babies are able to support them selves better, around 6 - 12 months. Once they are running around you will end up with a solid wrecking machine giving you both joy with the true meaning of life.

try and find something unique as a way of contributing. When our baby went onto solids we made our own food by boiling and purifying vegetables. Suggest this to your partner and discuss as a couple what you will cook. Remember no oil, salt or sugar.

Regards Gary