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Hi - I am new to this forum and hoped somone might be able to give me some advice
Im really struggling with the demands of fatherhood and am worried that it is putting a serious strain on our relationship. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 5 and have just had our first babty daughter 13 weeks ago. I love lookig after her, I adore her and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. However I keep making stupid, silly mistakes which had caused my wife to doubt whther she can trust or rely on me. I forgot to check the tog rating on her growbag (taking the mans approach of "it will be alright") and she started overheating, I banged her head on the door in the dark one night, I am constantly not packing the change bag properly with enough stuff when we go out etc, etc. These might seem like small things but my wife feels she had to check up oi everything I do and as a result my self confidence is shot to pieces. I seem to have no attention span anymore. I know I can be arrogant and stubborn but i have also turned and this has turned into a really poor listener.
I love her dearly, but the fighting and bickering has reached epic proportions and I dont know how much more I, or we, can take. The problem is made worse because the baby is really strugglign with feeding and sleeping. She breast feeding exlcusively and wont take a bottle of expressed milk when I try. I hoped that if I could just do this then it would ease the burden on my wife and she can get some rest - but it hasnt happened and im losing the confidence to even try. The baby also has a terrible problem with wind and can be up 2-3 hours after each feed meaning we are getting precious little if any sleep, and is struggling to get into any sort of routine. She suggests me sleeping in the other room so I can get some sleep for work, but I just feel guilty as it puts all the reponsibility for the baby back on her - when does she get a break?.
I have had anxiety problems in the past and am also having ad hoc couselling, so Im am just about keeping a lid on things, but im not sure for how much longer i can keep it up. I am really fearful that our relationship is on a downward spiral. I really, really dont want this, but I just feel powerless to prevent it. I feel that everything I do is a failure and the harder I try, the worse it gets.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly apreciated, even if it is just to man up! I know other people have much bigger problems to deal with so feel bad for asking. I would especialy aprecaite any tips on bottle feeding as I think this could be the key to correcting some of the issues as everything seems better after a decent nights sleep!.
Thanks in advance
Hi skins and welcome 🙂
Firstly big congratulations on the arrival of your baby girl! Life changes drastically once a little one arrives and disrupts it all. You are not alone in the way you are feeling, lots of men feel this way and its not your fault!
Your wife and you will be suffering from lack of sleep, lack of experience (babies dont come with instructions!) and not taking time out to be together anymore...everything revolves around the baby atr the moment, but it rather pushes everything else out of the way.
As your wife is breastfeeding it does make it more difficult for you to take over this job, its really quite common for a baby not to want to feed from a bottle, she has preferences even at such a young age! Try different teats there are some very good ones on the market... and wind her more frequently through the feed. If shes holding onto it try lying her tummy down across your lap and rub her back upwards from waist to shoulder in a circular movement. She may well be suffering from colic, and if shes got tummy pain this willl effect her sleep. A sign of this is if she pulls her knees up towards her chest sharply. Again there are products on the market that can help with colic...I used to swear by gripe water for mine!
As far as your self esteem is concerned, I think you should arrange for a grandparent or auntie/uncle to babysit for a couple of hours and go out, maybe for a meal or just down to the pub for a drink....the important thing here is somewhere that you can sit and relax and have a chat. Tell her how you are feeling and ask for her to help you by cutting you a little slack, remind her that you are a team and that you are both on a huge learning curve. Tell her what a good mum she is and how hard you are trying but your confidence is at a low ebb and you need her to help you get back on track.
You could give the Health Visitor a call and ask her advice, she may be able to recommend some technique... but babies often dont play ball and it is really just about trial and error.
We all make mistakes, I was always wrapping my babies up for fear of them becoming cold! Little accidents can happen to anyone...when you're carrying her around in the dark put her up and over your shoulder instead of across your body, then you wont knoch her head...we all make mistakes, you just have to learn from them! When its your job to pack the bag make a list before you start, my daughter is always forgetting to put something in the bag...wipes usually! Its no big deal and as she gets older these things will fade into insignificance.
Best of luck with it and hopefully some of the Dads will be along to share their experiences and feelings of inadequacy ;;) and help you to realize that what you are going through is just par for the course! 🙂
Hi and welcome.
I remember (a very, very long time ago) when my ex was pregnant with our first, both of us insisting to anyone who would listen that it wouldn't change our life, and that the baby would just slot in nicely with our existing life. Yeah, right - that's really going to happen!
I would suggest that sometimes you take up your wife's suggestion that you sleep in the other room (only sometimes) BUT you insist that in return, she gets some sleep when you get home from work or at weekends - hopefully that way, you can both get some rest, because at the moment neither of you are getting enough sleep, which will make you both irritable, and the baby will pick up on that - not a good situation for anyone. If you are both rested (and it will take a while to catch up on sleep), you are both going to be more confident with each other, and with the baby. And definitely go with NJs suggestion of getting some time away from the baby, you both need it.
You have had some excellent advice from NJ and actd. Don't forget your wife is also a new mum and probably equally as scared!
One of mine was rather difficult to wind and I found that during feeding I would stop and sit her on my knee and then stand her on my lap, the "crouching" and then stretching the baby works a treat! It wont hurt to try, there are various ways to wind. To get one to sleep I would bounce in her baby bouncer and the harder I bounced it the more she loved it and went to sleep! LOL! My son, would have to go to sleep on the ex's chest, while I remained awake, settled down to the heartbeat and then I moved him to his cot.
Lack of sleep will make you both irritable as heck! keep trying with bottle feeding, from the sound of it you are making yourself anxious, you sound less confident, and that will transfer to baby, you must handle her with confidence. 🙂 As NJ suggested, trying different teats is a great idea too...she may need a teat with a larger hole for instance.
As for picking the baby bag, keep a little list handy, something that you can refer to. I always packed mine. I don't know many fathers who have done!
Definitely tell your wife how you feel, go out on a date night...having babies is hard work! And you could also share swapping bedrooms so your wife gets some sleep to. Encourage your wife to have a nap during the day.
There is no set rule for being a parent, you just have to try everything you can, safely of course. Dr Spock wrote a ton of rubbish, Dr Jolly was my favourite and he was very much one for suggesting ways you can do things, there is no "one" way.
I cant tell you how many mistakes I made when I had children! 😆
The baby bouncer story conjured up memories EnyaM, one of mine was exactly the same! 😆
I remembered another winding technique, sit baby on one of your legs with their legs dangling, support their head but also spread your hand so that the palm is supporting the top half of their body, use the other hand to support their back and move their bodies in a circular motion...bringing them quite a way forward and then backwards...this motion along with the firm support from your hands helps to move the wind, hopefully in the right direction!
You can also try putting a clock that ticks in their cot and I believe the dvds of sounds to help babies sleep do actually work!
Then NJ if we did that now, social services would be straight in! 😆
That's another good way of winding to!
Ahem....I don't think we had dvds with baby sounds then! LOL!!! (Cant remember now it was so far back! LOL!)
😆 ....didn't have dvd's either! Ahhh the not so good good old days! 😆
Hi all and massive thanks to you all for the excellent advice.
My wife and I have talked a lot over the last few days and we both agree that whilst there are problems, these are being magnified by the lack of sleep, making us both irritable and irrational. We have agreed a few ways that I can get some more sleep and try to get back from work earlier so she can get a break.
You are right in what you say that you have to be confident with children, something which I have been lacking. But I'm trying to get back to basics and rebuild some of my self esteem which will hopefully help me get a better handle on this.
The winding tips are much appreciated, I have tried a few and the stretching seems to work the best. she still wont feed from a bottle but Im trying daily and hopefully she will get used to it with time and practice.
will talk again soon.
thanks again
Skins
That sounds great and thank goodness you have both spoken about it 🙂
Once babies are successfully breastfed they are very hard to accept the bottles, its not your fault, but just keep persisting.
Does your wife have a good friend or relative who could help out? There is no shame in asking for some help - someone who could come in during the day perhaps. And as for the housework, well that will just have to wait!
Oh no NJ ...my memory is getting worse 😆 It was VHS and tapes then hey! 😆
HI Skins,
I'm a dad of a teenager - Guess what, I still make stupid mistakes and have feelings of inadequacy. It's normal, welcome to parenthood. :whistle:
Stop beating yourself up and expecting yourself to be perfect. I bet your wife is also questioning her ability as a mum as well.
With a new born though it's the lack of sleep for the parents that is the real issue. Tiredness magnifies the small stuff.
It's great that the two of you are talking it through. I agree with the comments about some 'you time', for you and your wife. It's important that the two of you try to have some time together as a couple.
I loved reading this topic... If for nothing else but to make me feel human.
I have an 8 year old and a 7 month old so am just starting to get the hang of things I think.
Parenting is always a challenge and we all make mistakes - I do regularly.
Team work is the key... Invest in your relationship and make sure its not all about baby!!!
For the wind problems, maybe look at doing a baby massage course together... Its something you can share together and has lots of very helpful treatments you can learn... Also helps no end with bonding between you and your child.
Skins,
I think the advice you have had so far is great.
I thought I would go down the you are not alone path. Check out new dad Scott's blog entry on Lack of sleep.
You could also check out our article about Babies and Sleep. There is some really useful stuff in there and you may find some of the other links in the article of help as well.
I will echo the "It's great the two of you are communicating" sentiment. Keeping talking your issues through and supporting each other.
Gooner