[Solved] DV & Access

Hello,

I’m a mum, but I’d really appreciate any help or advice of there is anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Before I start, I understand that this resource is aimed at helping fathers but I’d really appreciate some perspective, particularly from a fathers point of view. Apologies for the ridiculous length of the post.

My relationship with my daughters father broke down somewhat when I found out I was pregnant. We’d only been together for 2 years and always agreed we didn’t want children, he having a 5 year old son and me with my 15 year old son from previous relationships.

I had 5 months previously moved jobs from a large company to a growing smaller one. During my interview they even asked if I was planning any children, which I know is illegal however I quite honestly laughed it off and said my family was complete.
The pregnancy was a genuine shock. My ex, who owned his house and was doing serious renovations had been living at my house for a year, literally filled his belongings in his car overnight and fled. We were intouch daily, he asking when the termination would be booked for and me, absolutely heartbroken. I felt utterly alone and confused. I confided in my assistant who knew something was amiss and took a couple of days annual leave.
After many tulmonous meetings, my ex asked me and my son to stay with him at his home so it was closer to his work and we decided we really wanted our daughter. The plan being we would permanently relocate to his home as it could accommodate us all.

Very suddenly at work, I was called into the directors meeting and told I was suspended pending an investigation of bullying.
After speaking to my colleagues it became apparent that the directors knew of my pregnancy and were looking for ways to terminate my contract. This, combined with the stress of a suprise pregnancy, my relationship with partner already feeling strained, left me in a position of being signed off with work related stress through to maternity leave.

The remaining 5 months of my pregnancy were a nightmare. I already felt very vulnerable within my relationship, my ex threw us out every few weeks due to his frustrations of what had happened at my job and becoming a suprise father for a second time.
He hit me on several occasions, never hard enough to seriously mark me but a living nightmare all the same. With everything that had happened I honestly think I was as close to a nervous breakdown as I’d ever been and my confidence was so eroded I actually didn’t think I could manage on my own, which is why I always went back. He was convinced I had “trapped him” and was looking for an easy life. When we met, I had held a successful job with the same company for 14 years and never relied on anyone to provide other than me.

He had never laid a hand on me before, it seemed completely different now we were under “his” roof.

He wasn’t like this all of the time. It seemed the anger reared it’s head every few weeks and knowing the signs, I always tried to avoid anything that would trigger a huge row. But it just felt like my being there was enough.

Our daughter was born a month early and absolutely perfect. My ex, who had taken a weeks holiday before she was born couldn’t get any time off for paternity leave so literally returned straight to work. I absolutely adored my baby and was completely consumed by her, ignoring the horrible atmosphere at home. The violence & arguments continued periodically until our daughter was 4 months old, when after yet another eruption I asked my parents to collect us while he was throwing our things out of the door.

For the last three months, we have stayed with my parents whilst I recovered from all that had happened and tried to get financially in my feet as a single parent. My ex partner has made a lot of suggestions that we can work and retry our relationship while living separately. Something I am not on board with at all. We’ve met up once or twice a week for our daughters benefit and he told me that I never deserved to be hit and he’d never do it again. Financially, we had a family based arrangement which was 50% less than the CMS calculation.

A week ago he asked me to bring our daughter to his home. On the way there, one of the pushchair tyres had gone flat.
When I arrived, I took the pump and bicycle repair kit out of my bag and asked my ex if he could help me repair it. After 10 minutes of trying to remove the tyre, he flipped out completely, throwing it across the room, shouting, swearing and finally kicking the cat. I told him, recognising the mood, that since he was tired and angry that I should take the baby home. As I walked through to the kitchen, he hit me hard around the head then twice more. I took my daughter and left.

Since then I have refused access and told him that’s unless he recognises he has a problem, I wouldn’t be leaving my daughter with him. He told me I was lying and making it up. He hasn’t and won’t admit that he hit me and told me that he wasn’t bothered for access at all and I have mental problems.
He says I am “a woman scorned” and only see him as a “meal ticket” like he has justified his behaviour without admitting anything. I don’t know how to go forward at all. I don’t want to be responsible for standing in the way of a relationship with his daughter but I can’t deal with this behaviour anymore. I don’t think for a moment he would ever hurt his children, but if he started a new relationship with someone else, I do think he would behave badly towards that person infront of them.

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.