[Solved] Do I carry on writing to my kids who hate me?

Cheers Paul, I will get there in the end mate. Thank god for good music, it really helps. And support from people too. Later, S74

It's really tough for you, you must do what is right for you. We are here to talk if you need to.

All the best

Hey Mojo,

Thank you.

Well, you're right, it is incredibly tough for me, and for anyone else who is going through similar. I realise that no matter what I do, sadly, their mother will manipulate the situation, so I always look bad. This is a given. I know this.

I love my children with all of my heart. I was the first person to hold new born son. I named both my children, and not just their first names, but their first, and middle names. I chose what nursery school they would attend, and I chose their primary school. I raised them both, from 6 months old. I dressed them, and fed them. I always bought them treats. I took them to the park, and I had their friends over for tea. I would let them stay up sometimes, to watch a film. I would go and get a McDonalds at midnight, because they fancied 20 chicken nuggets. I took them to the doctors, and to the opticians. I looked after them, when they were unwell. I celebrated their triumphs and achievements. I defended them from bullying. I encouraged them in whatever they wanted to do. I taught them to be polite. I always had a drink, and something to eat, after school. I always cooked them what they liked. I played with them both. I bought them books, and would read to them. I knew what they were into, so I helped them with their collections, and whatever was popular at the time. I bought to rare Moshi Monsters on the internet, for £15 each, and all the other things, like Match Attax cards for £10-20 each. I started them swimming. I used to take them every week.

I bought my daughter pretty things for her hair. I bought her flashing shoes with lights. I watched her watching Katy Perry on YouTube, and singing her songs. I waited after school, as she did her gymnastics , and my son played football. Most of the time I played football with him. I would put them both to bed, and do a story. Sometimes I would read, but my daughter liked it when I made one up. My son liked to have chats with me, once he was in bed. I would get him a hot water bottle most nights, before I went to work. His bed would already be warm, before he even got in it. My daughter would give me a big squeeze, as I said goodnight. She would then tell me she would never let me go.

My daughter is about to have her birthday. It will be the second birthday of hers that I will have missed because of all this. My present will be a voucher for somewhere.
My present and card will either never get to her, or it will apparently have come from someone else, or my daughter will be so influenced by her mothers hatred of me, that she rejects it anyway. Meantime, I am 15 minutes away from my daughter, and I can do nothing but miss her.

I haven't written any more cards to them. Something has changed in me. I thought it could never happen, yet it has. I have to accept, and let go. Accepting, does not mean I like it. I know what is going on 15 minutes away from me, as I lived it for 17 years. Now is about ME, and not them. I really can't do anymore. I love them both, and they know that. I have always been there for them, and they know that. I will send them cards on their birthday, and at Christmas, with presents. Any weekly cards would just fuel the hysteria, and keep the myth of me going, and that doesn't help me, and it doesn't help the children. Noone sees my sentiment, apart from my ex, who quickly translates it into something negative, or makes something up altogether. Dad is seen as a man that was on anti-depressants, Dad was violent. Dad would swear. Dad would cry a lot. Dad took money from Mum. Dad had a rubbish job. Dad was a waster. Dad was jealous 'cos he never got in a football team when he was a kid. Dad had affairs. Dad was gay. Dad did drugs when he was young. Dad was abused by his Dad. Dads family are odd. Dad was going to abduct you, and take you out of the country. Dad used to beat me up. Dad wanted to hurt your Grandad. Dad was planning to leave you. Dad never loved you, lkike he loved your brother. Dad got depresses when you were born. Dad now has a new partner. Dad had that partner all along. Dad and his partner are laughing at you. That's wasn't your Dads hand writing, it was hers.

It is what it is Mojo. I will keep some kind of diary for one day, perhaps. Meantime, my kids have over 50 cards that I sent to them, plus all the presents(though I'm sure the [censored] didn't give them all of them). They have their memories of me. They are focused right now, on the bad stuff, that their mum has highlighted to them. They believe they are doing the right thing, in keeping me from them. They see me as a threat. They are frightened of me. I am dangerous. The Law prevents me from going near them. I am a liar, I cannot be trusted.

This isn't about courts, and hearings. Sadly, it is now up to my kids. I know that. Since March last year, I have lost my way. I have tried not to face what I feared most. I hoped against hope that my kids could be stronger, and they could resist that witch, but they couldn't. I couldn't either, and I was a grown up. I still get sad every now and then, and maybe really, I'm sad all the time, maybe, but I feel something has changed in me, over the last couple of weeks. I know the situation, and I know all those involved. It's like in the Count of Monti Cristo. I know(after being in prison for some years), who the conspirators are. I know who would have said what, and I understand the motivations. I understand that there is usually a reason for something, and although that reason may be misguided, or not based on truth, it is still the contributing factor. My kids no longer want me to write to them anymore, or that is what they have told CAFCASS, their mother, and CCI. Ok then.

I am good today. It is gonna be a struggle, but I feel empowered. I don't feel like I though I would. I am not a fool, and can not deny what is clearly going on. I will not give any more ammunition to be used against me, and hurt my relationship with my kids further. Noone is blaming the kids, and I am not taking anything out on them. I know the situation, and I understand it. Time may make things better, or it may not. Either way, I have to start living my life again.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I will go on YouTube and watch/listen to "Slipping through my Fingers", by Abba, with the video of them together with their daughter, before they split up, and then I will watch'listen to Rufus Wainwright singing "Across the Universe", with the video of Dakota Fanning as a child. This song has double the meaning for me as I always connect my daughter with a young Dakota Fanning, after seeing her in the Denzal Wahington film, "Man On Fire", which anyone would understand, if they saw the film. My tears don't lie.

I LOVE MY KIDS XX

Cheers Mojo, and all you Dads out there, S74

Your love for your kids is plain to see, but sometimes it's not enough....you must take control of your life again, I completely understand that.

I have a son that I'm estranged from, he is 43 and he has had serious mental health problems since he was an adolescent boy...for years I supported him and did everything in my power to try and make it better. However about three years ago he decided that everything that was happening to him was in fact my fault, without going into detail, he was absolutely convinced I was the main conspirator, his delusions are very real to him, in his world he is monitored and watched and lots of people are making money from this...profiting from his torment. Of course none of these it is true, only to him.

He informed me that he could no longer have any kind of relationship with me and cut me out of his life. I had to accept and respect his wishes, but I worry about him and it upsets me to know how unhappy he must be. At the same time it's a relief too, as dealing with his constant problems was a terrible strain for many, many years. The way I feel is a confusing place to be at times!

Although my situation with my oldest child is different from your own, I understand the emotions and heartache involved in being separated from a loved child and being unable to do anything to put it right.... getting on with life with my other two children is what's important, I can't change what's happened, I can't make him better, but I can't put life on hold either. Life can be sad and unfair, but we have to do whatever it takes not to be defined by that side of it.

All the best

I understand your heartache. It seems from your post that you've decided to walk away. But although you're making this decision I think you should consider writing one last letter to your kids and explain that you love them, they've only got one dad, and that you will always be there for them in the future if they need you. People don't know what they've got until it's gone. Explain that you understand they are stuck in the middle of a situation that nobody wanted but things will change, feelings will change, in the future. Maybe you can word it better than I can as it's your family and you know the details of the situation better. Never say never. Maybe your ex might even realise that her actions have lead to this and realise how much it's hurt everyone. Even if it takes a few months or a year, you might find a way to reconcile your differences.
Good luck.
Paul.

Hey Mojo,

Thank you for what you said, and about your stuff. I am sorry about your son. Is that it now? Does he talk to his siblings? How long has it been since you and he were on talking terms? Needless to say, have you tried an olive branch(regardless of who is right or wrong)?

How do your other children view the situation between you and your son?

Do you think your son knows his own mind? Would you forgive him in a minute?

It must be hard for you too.

Thank you for supporting me, and everyone else, when you have enough sadness in your own life.

I hope things work out, if they can. If they can't, I hope you're ok. As you say, we can do all we can do, but sometimes it's not enough.

Cheers for the weekend support Mojo. Peace, S74

Paul, you're a good egg.

I appreciate what you said, and thank you for your thoughts.

We say walking away, but I am still here, and I'm not going anywhere. I am always there for my kids, BUT.......the court is stopping me from going anywhere near them, because my 11 year old son is a puppet controlled by his mother, and he has made some serious claims about me. There is no more I can do. I've been to court, I've spent £11k, and I got nowhere bro.

My ex is a psycho Paul, a narcissist. She gets the cards I send the kids. Apparently(I've been informed), there is now a lockable letter box on the outside of the house, that allows only my ex to retrieve the mail. If I were to send one final heart felt card/letter to my kids(via their mother), she would not read it to them, or pass it on. Why would she? She wants me out of their lives altogether. She has taken out Non Molestation Orders against me, and then phoned me and left voicemail messages playing my favourite love songs down the phone. She has then, left another voicemail message with a recording of people having [censored]. By the way, at the time, if I were to contact her, and breach my order, I could go to prison, for up to 5 years. While this is going on( as a side line), she has cafcass eating out of the palm of her hand, and me painted as a nut job.

Not all our situations are identical.

Anyway, enough about that evil [censored], and her scheming. My change of heart is to show others out there, that we can change, we can adapt. We can start to feel different about an awful situation, when we never imagined we could. My story, and it's particulars, are the worst I have come across, and I have been on a DVPP, and no one there has been in such a way, and my not being aloud direct contact with my kids until they are 16 is in a whole different league to those guys.

If I could, I would, period.

Cheers Paul, I wish you well, S74

Hey Mojo,

Thank you for what you said, and about your stuff. I am sorry about your son. Is that it now? Does he talk to his siblings? How long has it been since you and he were on talking terms? Needless to say, have you tried an olive branch(regardless of who is right or wrong)?

How do your other children view the situation between you and your son?

Do you think your son knows his own mind? Would you forgive him in a minute?

It must be hard for you too.

Thank you for supporting me, and everyone else, when you have enough sadness in your own life.

I hope things work out, if they can. If they can't, I hope you're ok. As you say, we can do all we can do, but sometimes it's not enough.

Cheers for the weekend support Mojo. Peace, S74

It's ok, things have been fractured between us for a long time, long before he cut ties. As I said, part of me feels relieved, and part of me feels guilty for feeling that way! It's been about 3 years since he turned his back on me, I did try to reconcile about six months after, but I just got more of the same, his anger that I won't admit what I'm doing to him is palpable, and I can't admit to something that I haven't done, at least not the things he is accusing me of.

...He sends my daughter the occasional text, but she's always been a little fearful of him, his mental illness has been quite severe and some of his delusions have frightened her. My son doesn't have much time for him to be honest, he's very loyal to me and has watched the [censored] the illness has put me through over the years. It's such a shame that my sons illness has alienated him from all of his family, he's very isolated, which can't help his situation...it's heartbreaking really.

Unfortunately he doesn't know his own mind, due to the severity of his illness, he is on heavy medication and also self medicates with alcohol and drugs as far as I know. He says drinking a few pints helps him deal with the side effects of the meds and the same with the drugs he takes....what a tragic life he has. He lives alone in a flat and I believe he has a handlful of "friends" he has some quality of life, but is tormented by his thoughts.

If he turned up at my door, I wouldn't turn him away, but I wouldn't allow him to visit fear and upset on me or the kids, I'm getting too old to cope with that now. Honestly, I don't think that will happen, too much has gone on....but my door is slightly open.

Please don't worry about me, I have a good life and much to be thankful for. I only wanted to share my own situation with you to let you know that no matter what trials happen in life, we can move forward, the sun will continue to shine and the sadness will fade...

Peace to you too Scott.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."

Ernest Hemingway

Families, hey.

You have survived Mojo, and so will I, me old China!

I may take a break now, from my forum bit. I will see how I get on, in this new chapter of my life.

Best wishes to you Mojo, and the rest of the Dads out there, Scott

"The very concept of objective truth is fading out of the world. Lies will pass into history"

George Orwell

Hey Scott.
I'm 3 months ahead of you and I'm sure our situations are probably not 100% the same, but unfortunately I'm no longer in my son's life due to similar parental alienation circumstances.

I just wanted to get you to brace yourself for what will likely come in the final hearing. Cafcass is horribly corrupt and sexist, and if either of your children are over 10, they will simply pretend to speak for your children and advise the court to follow their "wishes and feelings". Don't believe what solicitors or barristers say, between proven parental alienation (which I had) and "wishes and feelings" + Cafcass, they will side with Cafcass.

I know it feels like £1k is money you have to spend, you have to try, but if you feel that Cafcass are against you go self-represented and save your money. I went self represented the entire way and won each time, even against high priced barristers, but I went with a barrister for the final and my rep barely got in a word edge-wise. Cafcass's report, despite a complete lack of evidence or allegations (against me) was all the judge needed to hear.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack your thread. Best of luck mate, hope your outcome is better than mine.

Dj

Hello mate, not at all, I appreciate your comments/experience.

I'm really sorry about the outcome with your boy bro.

I will be just the same as you mate. It's a joke. It's very wrong, and very sad.

Anyway, I'm cool, and I wish you well.

Peace, Scott

Hi Scott74, I just wanted to say i'm sorry for what you are going through. We all have it hard, but what you describe is another level.

I can't help thinking that your kid needs you more than ever.