[Solved] Disagreements with wife (kids involved)

Hi and welcome.

I don't personally think your wife is acting unreasonably, and I think the solution is almost certainly if you and your mother-in-law can reconcile your differences, and it would almost certainly be a huge relief for your wife, who really is probably feeling very torn.

I will ask our experts from Relate to pop on here and give some advice, as I think there is a lot of promise from what you have said.

Hi There,

If you and your mother in law are able to resolve your issues is there anything stopping you all going up to stay at her house for a period of time?

Or even your wife going up for the 5 days and you joining them later for a few days?

Darren

I do sympathise with you missing your children, after divorce it took me 6 months to get access to my 2 boys aged 8 and 9,
there are a number of options and i really can see both sides here, is it not an option that the kids can stay with you whilst your wife visits her mother?

talk to your wife and discuss that her mother really needs to bury any ill feeling and visit for the sake of the children, the fact she is not willing to do this is a concern for you and your wife, your wife also needs to understand that you and your children are your immediate family and should be the families main concern,. the mother in law is now classed as a member of the extended family and should understand that she is second to everything else in the family unit,

if your wife fails to see this, then its time she evaluated what being a wife and mother is all about, personally i think the main root of the problem is the mother in law, its the only way she still has control over her daughter.

these views are purely my own, and from my own experiences,

In any relationship there has to be some sort of compromise and it seems as if there are a few options for you here. However, there are also two issues you have highlighted that are causing you anxiety: missing your kids when they go away (you didn’t mention about missing your wife), and the conflict between you and your mother-in-law. From what you are saying they seem to be linked. It would be good if you could think about what is really “tearing you up inside”. While it might be the kids being away from you, I wonder if it’s also them being with your mother-in-law and not sharing the experiences they are having with you. But I wonder if it is mostly the unresolved issues between your mother-in-law and you that is “tearing you up inside”, as it seems to be affecting your relationship with your wife and distancing you (by location) from your kids when they go to your mother-in-laws.

What if you did resolve your differences, what difference would this make to everyone’s life? You need to think about your wife here as well and whether resolving your differences with her mother would help in having a better relationship with your wife and your kids. It might be difficult to do, and it might become one of the biggest challenges you have had to do, but are these differences important, and to who are they important?

In the summer holidays, it’s good for kids to get away from home, so they can explore other avenues of life. It also creates a different outlook for them and says that Dad can be self-sufficient as well and doesn’t need Mum to look after him. If your kids are boys, remember you are their role model as a man and need to be able to show compassion and resilience when it comes to compromising. Your kids will always be there for you and when they are away, they are just a phone call from connecting with you.

So, there are some things to think about:

1. What is really tearing you up inside?
2. What if you did compromise and let your wife go with the kids to her mum’s without her feeling guilty?
3. What differences would there be for the whole family if you resolved your differences between you and your mother-in-law?
4. What would you want for your kids, if you didn’t resolve these issues with your wife and your mother-in-law?

Lastly, if you are left one your own, is it about feeling lonely and if so, what could you do that would make that time on your own feel less lonely? (This doesn't mean go out and find someone else to comfort you. Think about doing something for yourself.)

Also, have a look under Being a Dad and the communication tips on talking to your wife about these issues as well.

If this is tearing you up too much, why not talk to someone at Relate, as they will be able offer support for both you and your wife around these issues.

Whatever you decide, take care of yourself.

Thanks to everyone for all of your responses, it's greatly appreciated and some very interesting points have been made.

The first thing I'd like to pick up on is that it's not possible for me to go down to my mother-in-law as it'll be during the week when I'm at work. For the same reason the children cannot stay with me. After spending time reconsidering my circumstances I realise the view that my wife is not acting unreasonably is a fair statement, and I have since reassured my wife that I'm happy for her to take the kids for the 5 days.

Andi, your response was a little too insightful for comfort but you have definitely given me several things to think about. 🙂

You picked up on the fact that I made no mention of missing my wife. I hope after the 5 days I will miss her, but presently I believe our relationship is being bound by our children. We've been married 5 of the 11 years we've been together. We're both quite different people from what we were 11 years ago and i think those differences are starting to show with the growing cracks in our relationship. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I'd still be with her if it weren't for the children and I'm sure the same thought must have crossed her mind. I also wonder if the unresolved issues between my mother-in-law and me are an additional overhead on our relationship. They surely must be, and I will try my best to achieve some form of reconciliation.

I've tried to look at this issue more objectively and I realise my original problem is a somewhat trivial issue, and really I should be grateful for what I have.

.....I realise my original problem is a somewhat trivial issue, and really I should be grateful for what I have.

I don't agree - anything that can threaten a relationship is not trivial, and being grateful for what you have implies that you are simply putting up with things - you have admitted that there may be cracks - you are at a stage where they can be resolved so that you are staying together because you love your wife. I'd take up Andi's suggestion of talking to Relate, perhaps initially on your own, but maybe later together with your wife. 🙂

I have tried to get her to relate, but she just keeps saying, i need to get it in my head that its over. She seems to get a kick out of saying it. empowerment? She knows the kids mean the world to me, but is determined to break up our family

Initially, it may be worth you having a word with Relate on your own.