[Solved] Controlling grandparents, what can I do?

I can only see two possible solutions to this. First you have a serious discussion with your partners mother (after you have one with your partner to make sure you are absolutely agreed on a position that you are both happy with) to set strict boundaries as to what is acceptable and what isn't (and possibly fitting a lock to your room), and the second is that you move away - which you are going to do anyway. What do you think she will try to do to block the move?

Many thanks for your reply.

I agree, those are the only two solutions.

Regarding the first option, I have tried on a couple of occasions to speak to my partner about this, with a view to her then speaking to Cat.

The results of this have been mixed. My partner is, like me, unhappy about Cat coming into our room several times a night and has since spoken to her about this (but there has been no change in Cat's behaviour). However my partner does not think the issue is as serious as I do and thinks things will naturally improve with time. Unfortunately, my partner has little will power when it comes to Cat and is very used to doing as she's told. This, combined with the current living situation, makes setting boundaries with Cat, and sticking to them, very difficult.

This increasingly makes me believe that option 2 is the only one that will cause a real difference. On this, I expect Cat to do two things to block the move,

1. Ceaselessly brow-beat my partner with arguments about it being "too early" to move our daughter.

2. Try to assume greater control over our daughter's belongings in order to stop us moving them, up to and including hiding them.

Perhaps option 1 might need to be attempted in order to prevent what you think Cat might do to block the move. Either way there are some difficult conversations ahead. Wishing you all the best.

You could tell Cat that the move is 6 months after you actually plan it to be, and then just leave when you intend. Also, perhaps you could start to move your partners belongings (the ones that matter) out of the house bit by bit, or just be prepared that you may have to leave them.

Many thanks all for your advice. I agree that using option 1 to try and facilitate option 2 is a necessity.

My partner has since spoken to Cat again about the coming into our room but still there is no change. Unfortunately my partner still thinks this isn't too big an issue and will improve with time. Additionally there is little improvement in how her standing up to Cat when Cat starts ordering her around, though there is some progress on this.

My partner is seemingly getting increasingly frustrated with Cat's refusal to stop coming into our room at night, I am hoping that with this she will start to understand the severity of the problem. However, she still seems to lack any resolve, and any resistance she gives Cat is short-lived.

Hopefully she will eventually understand that now the we have a child, neither of us can be treated like children.

Many thanks to you all again.

Many thanks to those who have already advised me on this.

Unfortunately, the situation has taken a turn for the worse. Cat's behaviour has not improved, or at least, not to me. Things have shifted such that now she shows some acceptance of my partner's authority as Emma's mother, but none whatsoever for my right to be her father. On numerous occasions Cat has told (not asked) me that I have to give Emma to her so she can spend time with her (even though she already has plenty), and has been extremely hostile to me on the rare occasions I've stood up to her (which my partner has vehemently insisted I shouldn't).

Despite this, my partner insists that everything is fine, and that I am "paranoid" and "ungrateful" (to Cat for letting me stay in her home). I've tried very hard to explain to her why I'm so unhappy about this, trying to get my point across by asking her how she would feel if my mother had treated her the way Cat has treated me. However my partner never wants to hear this, and insists that "its different". On one occasion, when I was trying to explain some further things that had happened, my partner got very angry with me, insisting I was being "argumentative" and she kept saying "what do you want me to do about it?!". I told her that there was one thing we could do if Cat really refused to do as we ask, but my partner really wouldn't like it. She insisted I tell her. I said that if Cat does repeatedly does things we're unhappy about, we could tell her that if she wants to be part of Emma's life she'll have to respect that we're her parents. My partner instantly became very aggressive, and said "you even try to do that and I'll get Hannah (a friend of my partner's who is a lawyer) involved! I'm not a doormat* and I won't let you treat me like this! I can't believe you just said that!" This went on for a while longer.

After a lot of "apologising" from me (I don't really think I said anything bad) she agreed we 'd have a talk with Cat about things. This has never happened. Every time it comes to having this talk, my partner insists that "its not the right time" or pretends we never made any such agreement to speak to Cat. I managed to convince my partner to see a relationship counseller. The counsellor echoed what I've been saying, that we need to "set some boundaries with Cat". At the time my partner agreed. However, as before, when it comes to actually having this conversation, she's avoids it and has also claimed we didn't make any such agreement. Things are very difficult now as my partner gets very aggresive with me whenever I so much as mention the situation with Cat and even if she agrees to try and do something, that never happens. She has also lied to me a few times about the range of dates we agreed to move to Cardiff (claiming that we'd agreed it would be later than we did).

I'm really taken aback by all this and struggling to know what to do. Previous to the birth of our daughter my partner was kind and reasonable with me. When it comes to the situation with Cat though, there is a very different side to her, that makes horrible accusations of me, promises things she doesn't deliver and lies to me. I don't know where to take things next.

The comment my partner made about her lawyer friend has me concerned also. This isn't the first time either that she's implied that if I don't like things then tough (on one occasion, she said if I'm unhappy about things I can always leave, and they'll (my partner and Emma) stay). Increasingly, it seems that my partner is of the opinion that I only get to be a part of Emma's life if its on her/Cat's terms, and that if I refuse to accept this then I should be forced out.

On this, one thing that really worries me is that my partner's parents are pretty wealthy, whereas I (and my family) am not. I have a good job but most of my disposable income is currently going to paying off debts. If my partner backs up her threats then I'd struggle as they would be able to hire a good lawyer and I would not. I've tried googling around for free legal advice to at least give me an idea of what to do in the first instance but there's not much around.

If anyone could give me any tips on how to approach this kind of legal battle with limited funds, it would be greatly appreciated

My partner still refuses to accept there is anything wrong and only promises we can speak with Cat as a way to get to stop talking, but then always doesn't come through on it. My partner has agreed we'll talk with Cat in the next couple of days. However, I am certain she'll change her mind again and either try to push it back for no reason or claim we never made any such agreement.

I'm trying to remember all the good times with my partner and the life we were planning to build together (prior to this, I was planning to propose to her), so I still cling to the idea we can work through this somehow, but she's so firmly of the opinion that Cat gets more of a say in my child's life than I do, and is so hostile to me trying to make it otherwise, that I don't know what future we can have together.

If anyone has any ideas of where I could take things from here, I'd really appreciate it.

Apologies for the essay all, as before, any advice is greatly appreciated.

*My partner seems to now accuse me of trying to treat her like a doormat whenever I mention not being happy about the situation with Cat. This has happened a number of times now.

This is a really difficult situation for you as it seems that because you live under their roof you are expected to tow the line. Without the support of your partner I can't see how you can move this forward.

Have you thought about trying mediation to try and sort some ground rules out? Or because your relationship is struggling perhaps Relate could help, it would at least allow you to open up about how you are feeling.

www.nfm.org.uk

www.relate.org.

I'm sorry I can't be of much help. I feel that unless you are prepared to take drastic action, then things won't change. If you gave ultimatums or moved out it might backfire as it seems they have a great deal of control over your partner and she may not be strong enough to stand up to them, getting angry with you is probably the easier option for her.

Good luck