Controlling ex wife

hi,

you mentioned that his ex-wife was very controlling and he left her. so I think it defeats the purpose of leaving her and then to carry on being controlled by her. I don't think he should have to hide his new life or live in fear. His ex-wife might stop him seeing the kids out of jealousy or bitterness, but that can happen to anyone and unfortunately they would have to do something about it if they want to live a normal life again, e.g going through courts if it comes to that.

@bill337 thank you very much for your reply I think you hit the nail on the head about him still allowing her to control him he's really scared of her my friend said while she was out with him once she rang him up to ask why he was at a particular location she was tracking him online she works with abused women and goes to court with them so she knows the system very well and he knows that I agree unless he does decides he's ready to stand up to her and take any possible consequences then she is going to carry on with her control no dad should have to go via family court to gain access but I guess thats the sad truth sometimes it can't be avoided 

Posted by: @onelove21

Hi

I'm looking for some help for my friend she met this guy on a Internet dating site over a year ago they hit it off really well and would message each other every night the only problem was he was married she knew it was playing with fire but she really liked him and just couldn't stop talking to him they had so much in common they are very similar in many ways he's got children and so has she anyway after chatting on the site and later email this was a about 8 months later he told her that he had left his wife for good and had moved in with his dad she was very shocked she didn't think he would leave his wife but he did he said to her his wife is very controlling she stopped him from seeing family members and controlled the fiances she would go out but he never went out with his family and friends she would have bad moods and withhold [censored] she never hit him but he felt controlled by her my friend was wary but she has seen prove in messages where she is being nasty towards him and controlling basically treating him like dirt my friend didn't want to get into to a relationship straight away with him because she wanted to see if he would go back to his wife he didn't and they got divorced so she started dating him she said the dates were good and they got on well but he admitted that he wasn't going to tell his ex wife about her because she is jealous and quick to stop his access to his girls she uses them has a weapon she works with people who go though the family court system daily in her job so she has insight on how the system works he's terrified that she will take the girls away from him because she knows so much he pays a very high rate in maintenance and pays extra on top he has his own house now he has his girls over every weekend he sometimes has them during the week in the evenings so she can go out and see family and friends so no set pattern just when she wants him to have them also she expects him to pay for her day trips with the girls and all the school clubs on top if he doesn't she starts getting in a mood it's like she wants him to struggle with money and not date anyone so he goes back to her anyway he got seen by one of her relatives with my friend on a date so now he won't see my friend anymore she is devastated she doesn't understand why he's letting her control him so much she knows that the girls come first but she is a good person a good mother and she treated him really well she not a danger to children she wants to keep fighting for him do you think this is a good idea I feel she should stay away from him please advise me I hate to see my friend in so much pain.. Thank you 

Hi, this is a hard one. What seems simple to some is very hard for others. When you’ve been controlled by someone subconsciously for a long time, and if you are of a kind nature, it’s very hard to break away. Even if you have left.

People will think you are still in love with that person, when in fact, you are for some crazy reason still terrified of upsetting them. You don’t love them. You want them right out of your life and they know that. That’s why they hang on in there. Making your life miserable so you can’t move on. It comes from years of walking on eggshells, pleasing for the sake of argument avoidance. 

They know that most victims of their behaviour are caring people who are people pleasers. This guys ex is using the kids, the ultimate weapon. To everyone on the outside the answer looks simple. Just **** the ex off and cut all ties. But when your kids are still young you try to be the good guy, set a good example etc. You have no chance! Whatever you do, the ex will never forgive you for leaving. So, you try and lead a new life but hide it from the ex to protect and keep contact with the kids. It’s a truly miserable existence. I’m in it now, however, my daughter is now a young adult at Uni. She point blank refuses to talk or contact me. After her first 15 years of relying on me, loving me, she has been poisoned by her mum. We have not spoken for a year. It’s very painful. 
I will put up a separate post later. I don’t want to detract from this one. 
Id like to think this guy can make the break and be free of this woman, however, while the kids are young, or old for that matter. It might come down to losing them for years for a fresh start. The hardest decision a loving dad will ever have to make.

Thats a very tough situation.  Your friend will have to be very understanding not to let the ex come between them if they get back together.  It will be like having 3 in their relationship.  Sounds as though some counselling might be helpful here but if he's broken off the relationship there's not a lot she can do.