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Hi all
Hoping for some advice on my situation
Started writing everything that's gone on but it's too much to read even for me lol.
Long story cut short- My ex split with me 6 weeks ago and started seeing someone else less that 2 weeks after (so she tells me) she's very un independent so I have no doubts she left me to be with him.
We have a daughter 6 and a son 2
She's very controlling and has been through our whole relationship of 8 1/2 years (i would habe never left based on how i felt) and even after splitting up with me she's still tried to control me and I've had enough
I've moved back in with parents and she's still living in the same place
Our current arrangements are I have the kids every Wednesday and every other Sunday (Wednesdays was only so she could go to work while we were together but it's been expected that carries on) I can't guarantee that I have wednesdays off as I work as a manager in retail.
My mum has the 2 yr old mon/Fri
Her mum has them tues/thurs
My mum hasn't had the kids over the holidays as having them both (plus my 10yr old brother who has aspergus) and she has fibro mialja is just too much for her so other people have been helping out over the holidays. She was due to have the 2yr old again when school starts but she's decided not too anymore as she doesn't want to put herself out anymore for her.
My ex works mon-fri and if she wanted to work less days in the week she could and she would get more benefits.
If I take time off work -which I can't I don't get anything.
I know when I tell her my mum's decision she will expect me to make other arrangements. With the Wednesdays as I said I can't guarantee having them off so she will expect me to pay someone to look after them.
I've had 2 weeks off and offered to have the kids extra so I suggested I have then Mon/wed/Fri and she have them the weekends - nope not good enough for her she needs her break at the weekend and again I bow down and let her have her own way. She just knows how to make me do what she wants.
The way I see it is she is there primary carer and should make the necessary adjustment to suit the children and I should see the children on agreed days.
The other solution I have is for me to give up work and have the kids full time but I'm not sure she will agree to that. She gets benefits and 20% of my wages.
I just want to know what's right as I want to do what's right and stick to it. Hopefully right is in my favour lol
Also she's been asking me to come over early so she can accumulate another day off to go see a psychic I agreed aslong as it was just that once. In the same sentence she said she got a letter through from housing benefit saying info was missing on her form so she needs to sort it out. I've been paying her bills to help her out and the agreemwnt was she would pay me back when her benefits back pay comes through. But her reaction was oh well don't know when I'm going to get that sorted around work I can't afford the time off. So she's expecting that she can just take her time and I will continue paying everything until she decides to pull her finger out. I've tried the friendly route and it's just not working I need to be mean Grrrrrr
It's difficult at this stage, but you need to start setting boundaries - you are entitled to a life as much as your ex, and you are not a convenient babysitter. Alternative weekends should be a starting point - you both need to have time to yourselves, as well as quality time with your children. I would look at mediation if you can't come to an agreement (which I suspect she won't).
I also would think extremely hard about giving up your job - you will lose a lot of independence if you are relying on benefits, and you won't be able to afford to do anything like as much with your children -I believe you also don't get benefits for 3 months if you give up work voluntarily, though I could be wrong on this.
Thanks for the reply. In the end I put my foot down told her my mum isn't having my son anymore and she will have to make other arrangements. Her new boyfriend is going to pay for childcare mon/Fri now so that's sorted. Feel abit guilty that's hers paying it and not me but he's taking them on now.
I have another question though that id like an opinion on..
So I'm a manager in retail, shifts all over the place and no set days off really and I have to be fully flexable. When my ex started working just over a year ago (when we were still together) I asked at work if I could have a set day off during the week to save us on childcare and was told they will accommodate as much as they can but there will be times we have to make other arrangements. So we always managed to sort it out between ourselves.
We since we split up it was almost natural that I would have the kids on the Wednesday and I suggested every other Sunday too. It's been working ish but In the next month I have a meeting on a Wednesday that I will need to go to for work and I'm also hoping to go away 2 weeks after that for a holiday and being told I will need to make other arrangements myself or I will need to not go to the meeting and cancel my holiday.
The way I see it now is my ex is the children's full time carer, they live with her 7 days a week. What i do now is spend time with my kids and the way I see it is she should be the one to make other arrangements. I'm a really fair guy I'm not trying to pass responsibility but my daughter is at school all day it's not really a proper full day with them both and I don't get to take them both out on that day, really I see it as a day that I'm saving her money on childcare.
Should my ex be the one to make other arrangements or should it be me even tho I can't commit to those days?
Please be honest I want to do what's right and will either pursue or back down as needed. Just sick of feeling like it's on her terms all the time.
To be honest, she is accomodating you to the extent of a regular pattern to fit your work hours, and if you can't make those on the odd occasion, then I think it should be for you to sort out alternative arrangements (of course, if you can both be flexible, that's the best arrangement). Otherwise you are treating your ex as a convenient childminder, which isn't really fair on her. I would look at making arrangements if you can, otherwise you may find she becomes less accomodating of your work patterns, which means that you might find your overall contact reduced, and possibly going to court to resolve it (and I suspect a court might agree with her). Of course, court ordered contact is an order for her to make your son available, they can't order you to attend, but if you are failing to do so, then she could get the contact cut.
As for the holiday, I would see if you can come to an arrangement whereby she covers you when you are on holiday, and you do the same when she is - again, that does require some negotiation.
Thanks for the reply.. it's not been too bad these last 9 months we've managed to get thing sorted. My current problem is that her boyfriend has lost his job and can no longer afford childcare. Now my ex is expecting/demanding that I pay for it, £500pm I simply don't have. I've told her I can't.
Just on the back of what was said last time actd my main problem with the Wednesdays is not only that I'm not completely flexible but it stops me from being able to go and look for another job. Ideally I'd love to have a mon-fri and see the kids every other weekend to spend some quality time with them not just ferrying to school and clubs. If i was to find another job that gave me weekends off what happens then? Do i pay for nursery? Because I wouldn't have to if the Wednesday agreement wasn't made in the first place.
I would look at the CMS maintenance calculator as that tells you what they would tell you to pay - if you have 2 children, the 20% of take home sounds about right (CSA is 20% of net, CMS is 16% of gross), and that's all you are legally obliged to pay - any nursery fees etc are her responsibility, so if she is asking for more, then you could open a case with CMS yourself (costs £20 to open a case).