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I have nobody else in real life to ask advice regarding this situation as I'm very private regarding my personal life, so here goes Internet people.
I have been married circa 20 years plus and have a teenage daughter.. My wife and I have been separated for a few years but neither of us have made moves to progress towards divorce as we've been co parenting relatively well and are fairly amicable.
My wife is almost 15 years older than I am, and we reached a point in our marriage where we drifted and wanted different things.. I am not in love with my wife but I would do anything for her. My wife is also fully financially dependent on me and doesn't work, she also lives in another property which I solely own whereas I live in the family home which I brought solely but named her on the mortgage as we were/are married.
Life had been drifting along and I decided to join an Internet dating app.. On the same day I joined I noticed an extremely beautiful woman like me.. So i sent her a message... Well, this was it. This was almost 7 months ago.. And I can say with certainty this woman has blown my mind.. She is a few years younger than me, has been through some incredibly hard times in her life but is a complete an utter warrior. She is feisty and caring at the same time. She is just a beautiful person, inside and out and I love her with all my heart. The bedroom activities are also so out of this world, she is just perfect. The past several months have been like a dream. We never discussed the fact I wasn't yet divorced as she knew I was committed to her..
Que two week ago, I get a panicked text message from my wife asking me to come over after work.. I go over, and to my complete and utter surprise she asks me if we can give our marriage another go and she moves back into the family home with our child. I was utterly bewildered, my first response was that I needed time. My instant thought was if we reconcile the marriage I will see our daughter more..
Que the stupidest thing I've ever done, the woman I love, the woman who makes me so unbelievably happy.. I sent her a text message to tell her we should immediately separate and told her what had happened.. It was a total knee [censored] reaction.
She was naturally devastated and we spoke on the phone, I told her how sorry I was and I cried so much because I really do love her so very much..
We have some fraught discussions over the next few days then she cuts me off and blocks me and tells me not to speak to her.. I lasted 6 hours before I text her asking if we could talk that evening.. Amazingly she gives me the time of day.. I told her I loved her beyond words but I felt torn because of how long I had been with my wife and I would contemplate potentially returning to the marriage to see my daughter more.. She asked me how I could do that after several years and I honestly do not know.
The day after I saw my wife, I told her I had been seeing someone else.. She was completely heartbroken.. I wasn't expecting this at all.
My wife and I are like old friends, there's no passion, we do not sleep together as the menopause hit her quite hard, I've tried to be understanding about it but I feel as we've got older the age gap is more significant.
Now I'm a mess, I love this girl so very much, I think about her all day long, she makes me so very happy, I miss her beyond belief and honestly do not know how I will cope without her being in my life.
I know it should be easy but I feel so conflicted, I am also thinking of the financial implications of divorcing my wife and the fact I still financially support her, the properties, she will want everything.
The whole situation terrifies me and I so badly just want to be with her but the marriage, the dilemma and the implications of divorce are making me hesitate.
In essence I am in a situation where I could let the love of my life walk away and go back to a dead and miserable marriage to save the above implications and also see my daughter more.. Or.. Just take the plunge and be with her and deal with the [censored] that comes my way.
Someone is going to get hurt either way. I really don't know what to do.. Please help me with some words of wisdom. I also fear the woman I do love will close the door on me forever if I don't make a decision.. She knows how I feel and understands the scale of the situation.. I just feel so terrible for her as she deserves so much more and better than this.
What do I do?
Hello ThorCap09,
Thank you for you openness and honesty. My initial thoughts on your relationship dilemma would be that you have some serious questions to ask yourself about who and what your priorities are and how you can best go about making significant life changes.
These questions may include:
Do I still love my wife?
Would I be prepared to re commit to my marriage and perhaps along with my wife seek counselling to look at the issues that caused us to separate in the first instance?
Would my daughter benefit from her parents trying again OR would it be better if my wife and I felt that things could not be reconciled, for my daughter to grow up seeing us separately and being amicable towards one another?
How does my daughter feel about the situation?
From reading your post, it seems that you have had a very intense and passionate relationship so far with a young lady who has not been part of your past, and who has made you feel alive again. It is time for you to decide once and for all what it is you want from life.
It reads to me like you very much still love and care for your wife and the mother of your daughter. If things like her going through the menopause was such a difficult time for you both, is it not worth seeking professional help and guidance about how you make your relationship richer ?
I understand I have fired a lot of questions to you, but only YOU can make the choices of how your life goes into its next stage. Please be honest with yourself, talk it through with a relationship counsellor if needed and they can give you a neutral perspective on matters.
I think that the relationship which needs nurturing the most is your daughters - as a teenager who sees her parents upset, please keep communicating with her and reassuring her that although you maybe going through a tough time - both you and your wife still love her and want the best for her. Twenty years together is a long time.
Let us know how things are going and what you have decided - don't rush, but also try not to avoid the issues you need to address.
Wishing you all the very best,
Warm regards, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
Thank you for the response.
I do love my wife in the sense I would do anything for her, we shared a lot, I care for her and she's an amazing mother.
However I cannot imagine I will ever have passionate feelings for her again, we do not have anything in common either and we just scurried around making polite chit chat.
The easiest way I can describe it is I have no fire in my belly for her.
I did think to go down the marriage counselling route but I don't know how that will help if I'm IN love with someone else. I'm completely in love with the woman I was with for 7 months very deeply and care for her also.
The woman I was with for 7 months has even said she will step aside and allow for me to think about going back to my marriage without her around... This is how amazing she is.
We are trying not to speak but keep drawing back to each other. I desperately pick up my phone multiple times a day to contact her but have to force myself not to.. We both agreed it wasn't helpful to either of us to have contact in the way we had before.
I will always care and have a love for my wife but the thought of returning to the marriage makes me feel miserable but there are so many other factors to think of.
I'm at a loss.. I know I need to make a decision once and for all.
@thorcap09 Hello again,
Thank you for your reply. From reading this most recent post, it sounds to me like you have decided which pathway you would like to take. So, perhaps you need to think -"What do I need to do in order to make this change? Who do I need to speak to first? How are myself and my wife going to tell our daughter properly what the future of our relationship will be?"
Your present partner is being very patient and respectful of your current situation, so I would encourage you to perhaps give yourself a time deadline to be sure of the decision you are going to make and then act on it. This will mean that you will have to enter divorce talks and sort practicalities, but as they say "you can't have your cake and eat it," meaning, you may have a difficult time ahead finalising arrangements, but in the long run if you feel that there is no future for yourself and your wife, then to be fair to her also, you need to move on to enable not only yourself a different future, but your wife too.
Hope that helps,
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
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