[Solved] Caught my wife having an affair

Hi there

I'm so sorry to hear this, you must be so distressed and I can totally understand why you need to get it all out in the open...I don't think it's as easy as just drawing a line under it, moving on and forgetting about it!

It sounds like she is still not being honest with you and without that you're fighting against the odds. Perhaps if you write her a letter you will be able to explain in depth how important it is for her to be completely open about what happened and that until she does you will not be able to move on from it.

Have you thought about couples counselling, this would be a good way of getting her to open up about it and it will be good for you to be able to talk about how you feel. Here's a link to the Relate website

www.relate.org.uk

How are the children handling this, it's near impossible to hide something like this from themat their ages. It's so important that you look after yourself and look after the basics of eating and sleeping....you need to be strong for them.

Thanks for that. Kids are doing fine. They know some but not all of what i know and thats very little to be honest.

Just not sure what to do. Keep having nightmares at night. My minds filling in the missing details. Doctor says i have post traumatic stress and depression. Can only probably sleep 2 or 3 hours a night due to my nightmares. Most days i wake up and just feel so down and just want to cry. But i have to put on my happy face for the kids. Even they have noticed me not eating. Ive lose 2 1/2 stones since i found out about the affair. I feel its my fault. Maybe something i was or wasnt doing but our relationship was great.

I really, sorry, we really want this to work. Not for the kids but for us, but i feel i cant move on until i know more. I really hope she isnt hiding anything else as i dont think i could take it at this point in rebuilding our relationship.

Hi There,
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I really feel for you, as I know what it's like to find out there have been lies and another man is involved, your head takes over and as you say you fill in the blanks, you see them together and although what you see in your head is probably far worse than anything that happened it causes you huge amounts of distress and loss of sleep.
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I agree that counselling would be a good place to start, I've had the whole sweeping it under the carpet and that doesn't work, it needs to be addressed and something put in place so that yu can recover from it.
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Something I do want to say is that is isn't your fault, people who work together can get close, closer than they should, and this shouldn't happen but it does, there was nothing you could have done, and there was no way of you knowing.
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You do also have to decide if you can actually stay together knowing what you know, you say that in one of the messages that there was a suggestion of another night away, so not the first time, meaning it wasn't just cinema and lifts home, not wanting to be crued here but if oral [censored] was all that happened on a full night away from home, I would be surprised, And I'm sure you have thought the same. You need to think about if you can ever trust her knowing what you know, as if everytime she goes out your sitting at home wondering who she is with it will eat you up and your relationship will suffer.
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GTTS

Nearly 7 weeks on and still in so much pain. On stronger amitryptalyne to sleep. Depression is getting worse too. My doctor is giving it another week to see how i am before giving me antidepressants.

Things are good at home but i feel like im putting on a happy face just for my wife and kids. Deep down i am so sad, i just want her to tell me everything. It would clear the air and we could move on.

For whatever reason she still wont talk about it. She wants to keep it in the back of her mind as if it never happened.
She can see what its doing to me. The sleepless nights. The nightmares. The days i just cannot smile at all no matter what.
Going to make an appointment for myself at a local relationship centre like relate to go and have a chat.

I think it would be a good idea to get some counselling, it's going to take time, but I can't help thinking that your agony is being prolonged by your wifes refusal to talk about it. All you can do is to keep trying to get her to open up....perhaps if you asked her to attend the GPs with you she might realise that she needs to open up for your sake....best of luck with it.

I agree totally with mojo. I really think you need counselling - ultimately, you cannot move forward unless you can get the past into the open and draw a line on it. I'm afriad to say it, but if your wife isn't prepared to do this, then how can you possibly have a relationship moving forwards where you can both feel free to communicate, and if she isn't prepared to open up, then the relationship is already doomed. Yes, opening up is going to be painful for you both, but there's no future for it otherwise.