[Solved] Can't let go of what ex done when she was pregnant

Long time no post mate, It great that you're seeing your child and you've built up a good relationship well done 🙂

I can completely understand the way you feel against your ex it has literally took me 3 years to finally calm down and forgive her, she too didn't put me on the BC and done a whole host of other vile things even though I went through court and I started to see my child every weekend I still hated her guts big time.

I hated my ex up until august this year when I ended up getting residency of our child through the courts they reversed the decision a few weeks later and my ex got little one back which was when I decided I've got to forgive her for the sake of our daughter that was the main reason for me for the well being of our girl.

I don't know what advice to give really just concentrate on your child and carry on being a great dad and hopefully time will smooth things over, With your ex being in a relationship there's not allot you can do really your child will know your his dad and at the end of the day you are there for them so you can and never will be replaced.

All the best man

Slim 🙂

Fair play to you man for finally finding that peace.

For me there's simply a huge difference in saying the words "I forgive you" and your soul actually following through and allowing you to let it go.

In fact I listened to that song by Demi Lovato on repeat for about 6 months.

It's kind of shocking that 5+ years of hurt came from a 3 month fling. But like I said before I've completely turned my life on it's head in that time. I had nothing beforehand, and now I have so many great things going on and a very bright future.

Deep down I'll always hate what she did and made me miss out on. She ruined my experience of becoming a dad for the first time and has (I think) put me off wanting any more kids.

Instead I'm going to become a successful entrepreneur and be a cool bachelor with a whole bunch of very attractive younger ladies on the go.

It'll be a way better life than I'd have ever had with her.

Hi Seany25,

First of all congratulations on how far you have come with your life.

I've deliberately stayed out of this conversation, mainly because my view of things seem to differ wildly to others, and I prefer to call things as I see them. The comments below are critical but not meant to hurt you or to put all the blame on you, as I am sure what happened did hurt you.

"Deep down I'll always hate what she did and made me miss out on. She ruined my experience of becoming a dad for the first time and has (I think) put me off wanting any more kids."

Actually reading through your posts, one side of the story biased deeply to your view of events, it seems she has done everything possible to let you be a dad and be in your son's life. Despite you having a massive tantrum and throwing your toys out of the pram.

Seriously? Threatening to hurt anyone she has been or will be involved with? Deciding your rights over your child gives you the right to determine who she can and cannot be involved with?

I won't deny you have missed out on a lot with your son, but seriously whose fault is it? You were a thug before you met her with little respect for anyone, and your posts have made it clear you have little to no respect for women, so hardly surprising that while she has given you the opportunity to be involved with your son she has done so with caution, considering what you have demonstrated what you are capable of doing and threatening to do the same to her, her family and friends.

Just to point out that while you have missed out on a lot with your son, again this is partly down to you and your own decision to move away because you acknowledged you could not trust yourself. If you could not trust yourself why should she? So no, it is not all down to her.

You mentioned about being a man, this happens when you grow up. You talk about being a dad, congratulations you are one, but what matters is the type of dad you are. Your son is growing up on top of a potentially active volcano, which is you, threatening to turn his world into one of violence for those around him.

It must be comforting to be able to abdicate yourself of any blame by putting it all on her. And now you are talking about consoling your self with a string of affairs with pretty young ladies, do everyone a favour and make sure you put a condom on it.

For me the saddest thing in all this, for you and your son, is how you have described your visits with your son. Full of resentment, mistrust and hatred, they seem to be more focussed on her than your precious time with your son. I honestly believe you both deserve better, but that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. You have to decide what is more important to you, your resentment and need to punish her for perceived grievances in the past, or your relationship with your son in the future. If the latter do something about it. If you want to be a man, yes bringing up the past may be painful, but at least be man enough to face up to it, deal with it and move on for everyone's benefit, especially yours.

You have already shown courage and development, your ex has shown a real commitment to have you involved in your son's life, she really does not deserve this, please deal with it. If not for yourself then your son, does he really deserve any less of you?

I've just seen this thread and decided not to read too much as it started to fill me with anxiety as I felt I could be in the early stages of a very similar scenario.

I wish you all the best though brother, and even though OddFather's reply is pretty harsh probably the last thing you want to hear, like I am, take all you can from it to change your future and make sure you don't make the same mistakes again.

Resentment and unforgiveness are like a cancer to the soul. As condescending as that sounds, try to liberate yourself from the hostility you have towards those that have wronged you. Two wrongs don't make a right. Prove them wrong, and prove EVERYONE wrong by being a great father, and a great man. Take control of your emotions, take control of your anger, take control of your character, and take control of your life. That way, you will attract the things in life that are right for you.

I'm saying this as someone who also needs to hear it.

You've got this bro.

Stay strong!

gregwar, it sounds as you are on the right road already 🙂

Thank you. I'm doing my best. Struggling, but not giving up!

Hi Seany25,

First of all congratulations on how far you have come with your life.

I've deliberately stayed out of this conversation, mainly because my view of things seem to differ wildly to others, and I prefer to call things as I see them. The comments below are critical but not meant to hurt you or to put all the blame on you, as I am sure what happened did hurt you.

"Deep down I'll always hate what she did and made me miss out on. She ruined my experience of becoming a dad for the first time and has (I think) put me off wanting any more kids."

Actually reading through your posts, one side of the story biased deeply to your view of events, it seems she has done everything possible to let you be a dad and be in your son's life. Despite you having a massive tantrum and throwing your toys out of the pram.

Seriously? Threatening to hurt anyone she has been or will be involved with? Deciding your rights over your child gives you the right to determine who she can and cannot be involved with?

I won't deny you have missed out on a lot with your son, but seriously whose fault is it? You were a thug before you met her with little respect for anyone, and your posts have made it clear you have little to no respect for women, so hardly surprising that while she has given you the opportunity to be involved with your son she has done so with caution, considering what you have demonstrated what you are capable of doing and threatening to do the same to her, her family and friends.

Just to point out that while you have missed out on a lot with your son, again this is partly down to you and your own decision to move away because you acknowledged you could not trust yourself. If you could not trust yourself why should she? So no, it is not all down to her.

You mentioned about being a man, this happens when you grow up. You talk about being a dad, congratulations you are one, but what matters is the type of dad you are. Your son is growing up on top of a potentially active volcano, which is you, threatening to turn his world into one of violence for those around him.

Not so much deciding who she can and cannot be involved with, just that her actions in the past make me not want to be embracing of it - just roll over and take what she did? No.... Also, the threats were from back when she was pregnant with my child and having [censored] with people - the threats were for those people. None of my business? Many would argue not but I see it differently BECAUSE of the fact I am a man. That was my child in the midst of all that and it's not something I'll ever accept or get over. Yes it's happened and it's over now but I think that's where my need to continue punishing for it - it can't be undone or fixed so I refuse to forget it or let it go. Yes I'm punishing myself mostly but I don't want her to ever forget it either.

Having said that I text her on New Year's Day telling her exactly why I brought such things up - that I never wanted her to forget what she did. But that I would not bring it up again , that if I felt anything I'd keep it to myself. I plan to not say anything at all even when it's hard. This will be the first full year I'll have went without doing so.

I do have respect for women. It was just this particular event in my life was the worst thing I have ever experienced and that showed through my reaction. If I hadn't been done over so harshly I wouldn't have came across so angrily.

It must be comforting to be able to abdicate yourself of any blame by putting it all on her. And now you are talking about consoling your self with a string of affairs with pretty young ladies, do everyone a favour and make sure you put a condom on it.

It is mostly on her. Yes there have been hold ups since my child was born that probably weren't helped by my behaviour and reaction, and I accept that, but my reactions were in response to what SHE done - virtually all my anger was a direct result of the way in which she went about the pregnancy. Namely having [censored] with multiple men whilst she carried my baby. And no matter what happens, nothing can ever fix or undo those wrongs. That is where all of the hate and anger came from.

And yes I'll be careful with my string of girls. I might even get a vasectomy.

For me the saddest thing in all this, for you and your son, is how you have described your visits with your son. Full of resentment, mistrust and hatred, they seem to be more focussed on her than your precious time with your son. I honestly believe you both deserve better, but that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. You have to decide what is more important to you, your resentment and need to punish her for perceived grievances in the past, or your relationship with your son in the future. If the latter do something about it. If you want to be a man, yes bringing up the past may be painful, but at least be man enough to face up to it, deal with it and move on for everyone's benefit, especially yours.

My visits aren't full of resentment and hatred. To be honest most of the time I never interacted with his mother, just his grandmother (that's where I see my boy), only recently me & his mum started talking a bit during visits. Before this we'd have talked now and again but most of the time we weren't on speaking terms, which was how I preferred it because of how much I hated her. Although to be honest the environment has a hostile feel when we are not on speaking terms.

Things I don't want to think about - my son developing a bond with another man who's playing daddy and spending much of his time with him. I know this is part of a natural progression of relationships moving on & all that but coming back to how I was done over I feel I'll struggle to ever embrace that guy or shake his hand. If she ever gets married, she can take the guys name herself but my son will not. He will be keeping his own surname (which is his mums). Thankfully she told me a couple of years ago that if she did get married my sons name won't change.

Despite any of what I've said myself and my son have a great relationship..

You have already shown courage and development, your ex has shown a real commitment to have you involved in your son's life, she really does not deserve this, please deal with it. If not for yourself then your son, does he really deserve any less of you?

Thanks for your honesty. It's nice to hear criticism and someone who disagrees with me as it gives another perspective.

I'm working on it. It'll be a life long process that will take constant maintenance but I'll do it.

I've just seen this thread and decided not to read too much as it started to fill me with anxiety as I felt I could be in the early stages of a very similar scenario.

I would actually suggest that you do read it and other similar threads because that way you will get an idea of what can happen which might in some small way help to desensitise you for if it does happen (trust me any small desensitisation will help!).

What exactly was it that you read that made you feel you could be in the early stages of a similar situation?

I wish you all the best though brother, and even though OddFather's reply is pretty harsh probably the last thing you want to hear, like I am, take all you can from it to change your future and make sure you don't make the same mistakes again.

Resentment and unforgiveness are like a cancer to the soul. As condescending as that sounds, try to liberate yourself from the hostility you have towards those that have wronged you. Two wrongs don't make a right. Prove them wrong, and prove EVERYONE wrong by being a great father, and a great man. Take control of your emotions, take control of your anger, take control of your character, and take control of your life. That way, you will attract the things in life that are right for you.

I'm saying this as someone who also needs to hear it.

You've got this bro.

Stay strong!

Thanks bro. I know how painful resentment and unforegiveness are when you have them deep in your soul.

I did liberate myself from my whole life by completely changing it around - I moved away to a new city and literally started a new life a new career new friends new everything. I took control and made happen all the excellent things in my life now. And I am set to develop even further.

Maybe one day actually I'll thank her. Because the success I have achieved, and the even more successful person I am set to be, all came from what she did to me. Yes I made it happen myself but I wouldn't have got up and done all this without having that horrible experience to pick myself up from.

Good luck for your situation hope it doesn't go down a path you don't want.

Hey guys, I'm back,

Not so much with a problem, just a kind of update on where I'm at..

Nowadays I can basically see my boy whenever I want (which obviously wasn't always the case), so this isn't a problem.

Basically something happened the other day that was a very first... As I was dropping my boy off at her house, she arrived back home with her boyfriend, who lives with them.

I already knew he lived with them for at least the last few months, so it wasn't a surprise, but I had never met him (they dated last year and finished but now are back together again).

Thing is, I didn't really want to meet him either, as I have always felt that I don't want to play happy-chappy and pretend I like anyone she is ever with, due to all the grievances from the past. Some of the stuff she done is just irreversible and I can't allow that to be buried.

All we did was say hello to each other as he got out of the car. I purposely didn't go up to shake his hand as I brought my son over his coat. Why should I be the one to do that?

I did actually have an issue with him even though we've never met - last year after they had broke up, I asked my son did he ever hit him,and my son said he only shouted at him. I don't know whether this was a once-off or multiple times.

Now, I don't even shout at my boy, so another man thinking he can shout at my boy has already crossed a line in my book. Maybe I was looking a reason not to like him, I don't know, but the bottom line is i'll hold it against him.

I'm not the person i used to be. I'm not that p****d off, furious guy anymore. I work for a good company. I'm starting my own business soon. I play around with hot ladies of varying ages. Life has literally never been better. However..

Some small part of me still won't let go of what my ex done to me 7 years ago. And for that, I will never truly accept anyone playing daddy to my boy. And although subtle, it is not hidden...she knows, and he knows.

Glad to hear that the situation has settled for you and you're seeing your son as often as you want.

It's tough when another man appears on the scene, it's bound to be difficult at first meeting, I don't think anyone expects you to be friends, but it's best to remain civil, for your child's sake.

Have a word with your ex about the shouting, I agree that he shouldn't be shouting at him, but it's better to discuss this type of thing, it might have been a one off, but opening a discussion about it will bring your message home.

All the best

I probably will at some point or perhaps I'll talk to my son first as I'd rather hear anything from him because obviously I'll trust absolutely anything he tells me.

Today she changed her Whatsapp picture to one of her, my son, and the guy, all smiling happy families and stuff. The thing is, this would have killed me a few years ago and I would have flew off the handle about it. Now it just sort of mildly disappoints me.

She knows it's not something I like because I have said it to her before about me not liking these type of pictures, and I know that they would be on her social media (not that I see, I'm blocked, and I don't use Facebook anyway) and I can just imagine people commenting how nice of a family they look etc.

I can't control it, so what I do is just completely detach myself from anything to do with her. I think that, as much as she'd probably like it if I was to be more friendly and open with her and her live-in partner, i'm not going to give her that for one main reason..

For a very long time she excluded me, including all the things she done whilst pregnant etc. So, despite things having changed a lot over the years, I'm going to remain as non-existent in her life as possible. You excluded me? Ok, I'll stay that way, and I'll be as cold and distant to you as you were to me.

I'm so detached at this point that even if she was to come to me now and tell me I could have parental responsibility and my name on the birth certificate - things I tried to get for a long time - I'd tell her she can stick them up her a**.

You have it right IMO - if you show that she can't irritate you by her actions, it will become tedious for her to try and hopefully she will stop bothering.

Thanks.

Yeah, I don't even care whether anything she does is to annoy me or not. And I care so little that I'll not even bother getting to know anyone in her life. If my boy ever tells me anything's up, then the guy will soon feel my presence, to put it mildly.

Deep down I will always crave revenge on the men she had [censored] with whilst she carried my child. There will never be forgiveness for her or them. And perhaps even one day, even far into the future, I'll have my revenge.