[Solved] Can't let go of what ex done when she was pregnant

My kids mum rejected me & now i'm all pissed off & stuff.

She looked incredible last night in her whatsapp picture & i told her so. Then i mentioned again about getting back together. Lately she had been sending me lots of little cosy photos of her & my boy, planting a seed i believe, & then at the end she just tells me its never gunna happen, that she is moving on & gunna start dating again now that our son is that bit older.

Im not totally pissed about the rejection itself so much, because deep down i still truly hate her guts. What annoys me is the idea of another man playing daddy to my son.

Shes told me before that she would never change his surname, nor would he ever call anyone else daddy, so at least i don't have to worry about that. However it does [censored] me right off the possibility of some other man building a bond with MY boy since they will no doubt spend more time in his company.

I just hate it all. I don't want to be friends with my ex & some other man, & i cant see a scenario where we are all friendly - yes most likely due my stubbornness, & deep hurt from the [censored] she did, but thats the way it is.

Morning,
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Why would you suggest getting back with someone who you state and have stated before "you hate her guts" maybe it's becuase you don't want another man to be a father figure to you're son. I actually feel that is a very selfish and childish reason. The way you feel about your ex, there could never be a strong relationship between you, you will always feel the way you do and that would show. That isn't a healthy way to raise a child.
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You may not want another man to be a father figure but I feel that this will hapen, the sooner you get some help to come to terms with this the sooner you will be able to move on,
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This is quite a harsh reply I accept that, but you have been given the same advice above by different people and haven't seemed to take any notice of it, the path you are on is one of self destruction, until you are able to deal with the demons in your head they will continually eat you up.
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Get some or continue with your counselling until you in a place where things in your head are a lot healthier.
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GTTS

I suggested it because I thought it might be different if we were together because being so distant & excluded has always given me ample opportunity to think about it all & sit & get mad.

But I guess the truth is I hold too much contempt for what she did & I still have stuff I could kick up to her & probably would, & most likely actually will.

As for another guy being a father figure, well with me being cast aside & missing all the important things & time with my son, as well as what she did pregnant - why should some other guy get it easy?

If she ever got pregnant again I wouldn't want to congratulate her. If she finally ever puts my name on my boys birth certificate I wouldn't want to thank her, amongst many other stuff I'm resentful about. The only appreciation I show her is that my boy is safe & looked after.

Coming to terms with this, well how do you do that? It's not as easy as saying I just let this go, because it's always there & it always comes back. Then there's the anticipation of possible future step dad [censored] too.

Life is generally good & I started a new career a few weeks ago, I just can't shake this dark cloud.

That's where the counselling comes in.

Im going to do CBT soon & see if its any good for me.

I know my son will always know im his dad & nobody will take that away. But i just dont think i will ever accept any other man playing that role, & my son being expected to answer to him or the other man doing things like going to school events or plays or basically doing anything a daddy does. This is not happening yet but im anticipating it as a possibility in the future. I do not want to be friends with that guy. I dont even want to be civil to him. If i did it would be utterly faked, but he'll know, I won't be able to truly hide it. Counselling nor not, i dont think my view will ever change. Thats how i feel right now.

Any of you been in the situation where your child has a step dad or other live-in type father figure, or otherwise? How did/does it all go for you?

Hi,
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I am a stepdad and my son has a stepdad, It's a fact of life that it will happen and natural progression after a seperation where children are involved.
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Is it the outcome I would have liked, or is it the outcome my stepsons dad would want, NO but it doesn't change how I treat my stepson, I'm civil to his dad and he's the same to me, I have never met my sons stepdad and due to circumstances I won't go into probably never will. Due to the breakdown in the relationship between my ex and I, My son was left living with his mum with his main other influence being his gran, so another man being there to help and support him when I can't to me isn't a bad thing, and actually I do have respect for that man for taking on that challenge. I know what a challenge it can be to be such an influence in a childs life when that child isn't your paternal child.
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Though, from the way you have spoken throughout this thread although you have asked this question, I'm sure it won't change how you feel or how you react.
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GTTS

Yeah you may be right - it would take something pretty [censored] spectacular to make me feel any different about it. And the chances of that are very slim.

There's many reasons why i will find it impossible to be ok with it. But first i want to say thanks for your personal insight, I understand this is how it works all over the country in millions of homes, & i know people & families who are also doing it & everyone is perfectly happy with each other & all friends etc.

However, & i know this might sound like a "poor me", but my situation is not quite as clear cut as a simple relationship that went sour... I got over from the very beginning & excluded from everything, & she around whilst pregnant (the absolute WORST thing that could have ever happened to me!). I probably will never let her forget that. Yes i've already said all this before in this thread but this is where my pain & resentment comes from, it's why i keep going on about it. Its whats holding me back from being truly free.

I'm not some crazy nutter or anything & in fact have a good career (ironically, all as a result of being over, where i turned my life into a positive) but i hold this revenge thing where i want to get my own back on those involved in what hurt me.

Obviously i am well aware of whats at stake if i did actually do something - jail... Which would make life worse. So why am i holding onto the hope of revenge if I'm wise enough to not get myself in serious trouble? (If I'm honest, I can't be sure i would not do anything if certain guys crossed my path)

As for the here & now, i would find it really difficult to be ok with a step dad or partner being in my sons life more than me because like i said before, it wasn't this simple relationship breakdown where we decided to go our separate ways. Instead I've always been an outcast who has seen his son very little & continues to see him for short visits. Yes its got better & I'm visiting him at his own house for the past few months but even that is a thorn in my side the fact i had to go to a contact centre for years. I hold contempt for that too... Oh but a step dad can just walk in to his life no problem? I wouldn't respect that guy "stepping up to the plate" because of how this has all payed out. Why would i give another guy credit for doing the things in my place that i got refused the chance to do through no choice of my own? Like "I'm really happy you are raising my kid after i got on from a great height & denied the opportunity to be there more, thank you man!" That.

I have had many insights & advice on my entire situation. A lot of it was extremely detailed & made a lot of sense to me. I used as much of the advice i could & I'm doing way better than i was 2 years ago where i was constantly angry & posting on twitter all day. I don't do that anymore but the memories remain there to haunt me. Every now & then i end up kicking up the past - it must be that because I'm still hurting, i want to remind her of it.

I think at this point, I'm aware there may be an element of me choosing to be like this, but for the most part, it's what she done to me that keeps it alive. The fact it all happened.

Think i'll do CBT & see what that can do to help me overcome these demons.

Morning.
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I am going to issue you with a warning for your use of language, we are a friendly site and have many members who visit they will decide whether to join or leave based on the posts they read, your posts have been edited in the past to remove bad language and I have just edited this last post.
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Though we don't like to use this option we do have it open to us to impose a short term ban on posting if we feel the need this allows time to read fully our T&C's on being a member and posting on this forum .
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I would ask that you read these now and act upon them in your future post to ensure you aren't causing offence in thelanguage you use or the way you address your issues.
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Please read our T&C's and if you have any questions please feel free to contact me via personal message.
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GTTS

Hi there,

First, apologies for using inappropriate language on my last post a year and a half ago and getting myself banned for a while. I just wanted to say how things are now.

Since back then things are much better (in regards to my mindset). Myself and my boy have a good relationship and see each other at least every 2 weeks.

But some things still get to me. Obviously deep down I'll never forget what she did when she was pregnant etc, but the other day I asked her agin to put my name on my child's birth certificate. The answer was the same as it's always been "NO, I have full say over him until he's 16 and your name will not be going on the birth certificate"

This of course, is not something that makes me happy. And only serves to remind me of the awful things she did.

On top of this she has introduced my son to her new boyfriend (apparently the first boyfriend she's introduced to him but this is not true as she had a man sleeping in the same bed a with her and my son when he was a baby, which was/is one of the things that enraged me). She said she would not have introduced him unless he was a decent guy and it was serious.

Of course, who she sees is none of my business, but who's in my boy's life, is.

The thing is I'm feeling a little uncooperative or something - as I've said in previous posts on this thread things like "I would not want to be friends or civil to a step dad in my child's life playing daddy"

Well that time has come apparently. What it is is this - because of what she did to me, covered in the original post on this thread, I don't feel like I will be truly cooperative or embracing of a step-dad, if ever, in response to what she did. I feel like I want to punish her by not letting her forget it, and not being accepting of her boyfriend.

Any opinions or suggestions or experiences are welcome.

Aside from that. Life is great and to be truly honest, all the amazing things I have in my life now in my career and more, are a direct result of what she did, because I utilised that pain and turned my life around. It's bittersweet because it came from such hurt, but here I am.

Hi There,
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Firstly, just to let you know you were'nt ever banned, a warning was issued but we didn't place a ban, I've just check your ban history.
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I'm glad your mind set is better, it's great to hear you have used that pain to turn things around, and even better that you are having a relationship with your son.
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I know it's difficult, but as I have said before your anger towards your ex, will always be there, but you need to keep it locked away and not allow it to effect how you deal with things as they arise, I would say you need to deal with that anger but we have spoken in the past about that and at that point you didn't find that the counselling helped you, so the best way forward is not allowing the anger to surface.
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If she is in a relationship now and this man is in your childs life, he will be doing things for your son, and no matter how hard this is, it is life and ;ife moves on, I've said before I am a stepdad, and I do more for my son than his dad does, I'm sure this isn't how his dad wants things but it's how it isI can't change that and niether can his dad, but although we have never spoken about it we are civil towards each other for the sake of my stepson,
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GTTS

Long time no post mate, It great that you're seeing your child and you've built up a good relationship well done 🙂

I can completely understand the way you feel against your ex it has literally took me 3 years to finally calm down and forgive her, she too didn't put me on the BC and done a whole host of other vile things even though I went through court and I started to see my child every weekend I still hated her guts big time.

I hated my ex up until august this year when I ended up getting residency of our child through the courts they reversed the decision a few weeks later and my ex got little one back which was when I decided I've got to forgive her for the sake of our daughter that was the main reason for me for the well being of our girl.

I don't know what advice to give really just concentrate on your child and carry on being a great dad and hopefully time will smooth things over, With your ex being in a relationship there's not allot you can do really your child will know your his dad and at the end of the day you are there for them so you can and never will be replaced.

All the best man

Slim 🙂

Hi There,
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Firstly, just to let you know you were'nt ever banned, a warning was issued but we didn't place a ban, I've just check your ban history.
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I'm glad your mind set is better, it's great to hear you have used that pain to turn things around, and even better that you are having a relationship with your son.

Thanks yeah this whole thing set me on a path of massive changes all of which I made myself. If none of this stuff had happened I would not be living the life I am now. I'd still be living in my crappy home town with nothing but dead ends. Whereas now I have so much going for me, a career with scope for huge development, a voluntary role as a child counsellor, I study psychology, and now I am looking into entrepreneurship.

Things are good.
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I know it's difficult, but as I have said before your anger towards your ex, will always be there, but you need to keep it locked away and not allow it to effect how you deal with things as they arise, I would say you need to deal with that anger but we have spoken in the past about that and at that point you didn't find that the counselling helped you, so the best way forward is not allowing the anger to surface.

Yep I think I have to agree with this - I've always been aware that I have to accept that I'll never truly get over a lot of it. Sure, I'm not as mad as I used to be in the early years (I'd lose sleep, & tremble with rage thinking about it).

Nowadays I don't feel quite so bad. Even when I think about it.
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If she is in a relationship now and this man is in your childs life, he will be doing things for your son, and no matter how hard this is, it is life and ;ife moves on, I've said before I am a stepdad, and I do more for my son than his dad does, I'm sure this isn't how his dad wants things but it's how it isI can't change that and niether can his dad, but although we have never spoken about it we are civil towards each other for the sake of my stepson,
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GTTS

Its not something I want to accept, because of how I got done over by her. Maybe I'm stubborn but it's her own fault. If, and this is a big if, I ever do talk to her fella, I don't imagine that I'll be expressing much happiness at doing so.

If he is "doing things" for my boy I'll secretly seeth. Or maybe openly.

I know it sounds a little messed up. But again, she should have thought about the repercussions of her actions and decisions.