[Solved] Can't let go of what ex done when she was pregnant

This Saturday I'm going out to see my son at his own house, my ex's house (where they live with her mum). It will be the first time I've ever been there.

I'm cool with it. I'm not worried or bothered or anything. My ex said she won't be there but her mum will. I think she doesn't want to be there at the beginning & that maybe after a while when we see how the visits go she'll start staying there as I'm visiting.

The only thing I'm expecting is to see my son for a few hours in his own little territory & have fun with him. I'm having a slide delivered for him next month that me & him will build together on a Saturday I visit.

She said her dad usually visits on Saturday so he may turn up (I've never met him but I don't give a [censored] about him. Not that there will be any animosity). The only thing that would bother me, which I'm sure she knows, is if someone who was in the role of her boyfriend ever turned up, or even any exes. I would be boiling inside & wouldn't want to be civil to them. I haven't brought this up to her, I've thought about it but I didn't yet. I'm not sure she even has a boyfriend I'm just picturing the scenario if it were to happen.

Let's see how it goes.

NOTE: I've done really well with the forgiving of her. Up until the turn of the year it was a regular boiling rage inside & now it is not so much. In fact only very briefly I think about it for a minute or 2 then forget about it again. Deep down it'll probably always be there but I'm doing well in not allowing it to control my emotions any more.

That's excellent, I hope it all goes well 🙂

I think you need to start working towards contact away from the house though, as at some point, she is going to have her boyfriend there, and it is where she lives, so she is entitled to do so, so long as you son's welfare is ok.

It went good enough yes. She kicked off a bit about my sister coming in to see my boy for a few minutes when she collected me & that she was a bit late. Just nit-picking at small things but other than that ok. My ex stayed out in the kitchen with her friend & I assume the other girls boyfriend, which she has always done even when I was visiting my boy at her sisters house. I'm not expecting her to play happy families but I feel it's a little bit weird. However it was my first time at her house so it may change a little over time.

As for the possibility of a boyfriend ever being there, that is a bad scenario in my book. I would be seeing my boy but I would be far from comfortable & would be having thoughts like ripping the guys head off etc.

I know there are plenty of people who are able to do this & freely & sincerely embrace & accept this kind of situation, but I cant & probably wont. I think a large part of the reason I wont is because, aside from pride, I never decided any of this, I had no influence on anything at all & simply got denied everything. If anything had been on mutual grounds & she hadn't screwed around whilst pregnant I don't think I would be so annoyed by it all.

In a sudden turn of events i have suggested to my boys mum that we should get back together.

I had been really interested in this other woman though since about February, from Facebook. We had been getting close over text etc & i saw something happening with her long term. This might make you form judgements about her but she has 3 kids all from different dads. However she is not some benefits scrounge, she has a career as a social worker & she is just amazing in so many ways i could list but just take my word for it. Then 2 weeks ago we had a debate on facebook about a particular breed of young people in my city, who hijack cars - many of which are defenseless women with their toddler. I voiced my utter disgust & hatred for these little rats & would personally pay to see them hurt. But the "social worker" in this lady took offense to the things i said about them & said the opposite, that they should be shown compassion because they have underlying issues that need addressed.

So we had that debate which was a difference of beliefs or opinion, & she hasn't spoken to me since, i don't think she is going to either as I've sent 3 messages with no reply. No, we hadn't met before but i was really into her & were due to meet very soon when we weren't so busy & it was so disheartening to have built such a connection with her for it to go down the pan over nothing.

Back to my childs mum now. Not long ago she started sending me pictures of her & my son looking happy etc. i didn't really think nothing at first but then began to think she was hinting at me to see us all together properly, and in some of the pictures she does look really nice. She also recently suggested we take our son out together to the cinema (we have NEVER done anything even close to this). The other night i was having a few beers & i saw yet another photo of just her, on whatssapp, of her looking real good & i sent her humorous text that included us maybe getting back together & she replied positively with a smile.

The thing is just a few weeks ago i was sure i will never get back with because i saw something happening with this other lady, & now shes stopped talking to me, all of a sudden I'm open to getting back with my ex?

The things she did to me don't hurt as much any more, but they are still there deep down i just don't bring them out. I could, but i choose not to as they only hurt. The fact that they are always going to be in my memory means they could come out some time in an argument.

I think rather than jump straight into it we should meet for a few drinks & a chat - & I don't mean a chat about feelings & [censored], i mean just have a laugh - maybe have [censored], & then see how i feel about it... Although last night she did say that we could meet for a drink or something just cos we need to get on for our kids sake, but that there is no future for us because she cant forgive me for her court debt when i attempted to gain PR last year. Well she did worse to me.

Im also interested in this sexy little blonde 20 year old too who i hope to meet up with soon.

Im starting a new job next week in an office & what if there's some available hotties there? Haha

I don't even think i know what i want now that the lady i had invested too much feelings in suddenly removed herself from the idea.

I'm honestly not bothered either way. But does anyone think i would be mad to reunite with my ex after what she did to me?

Hi There,

I think at the moment from what you have written you are all over the place and thinking about starting a relationship with the mother of your child isn't a good idea, It sounds as though you want to be with someone and that you are feeling lonely and grasping for anything you can find (sorry if that sounds harsh) if you enter into a relationship with your ex you are heading for trouble and probably the whole court battle again, I don't think from what you've said you have feelings for her you just fancy her and from your comment of have a drink a laugh and then [censored] to see hw you feel It feels like you are missing female contact rather than her.
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As you say those things that happened in the past are still there and they will still hurt, she has similar feelings about the court battle and they won't take long to appear when the cracks stat to show.
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personally I would look else where for some female company and contact, maybe even try the facbook lady again, write a message eplaining that you understand her way of thinking but that yours are different but that shouldn't mean you stop talking. When you think about what she said her job is to try and change the way people are treated, if someone commits a crime they are sent to prison (if serious enough) the idea is to get them to think about what they have done and change, and that's what she is saying about these people, they act how they do because they don't know any different, they get into a bad crowd and follow suit.
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I'm not saying I don't agree with you that they need punishment for what they do, but by saying you would pay for them to be harmed has probably raised this lady's concerns about you.

GTTS

No it's not harsh in fact it's kinda spot on - I am missing female affection both giving & receiving. I haven't had a gf in over a year who was a lovely little thing who adored me but I finished it cos she wasn't my ideal looks wise, also I wasn't (i thought) ready for one single relationship & instead was into the whole PUA thing - which is obviously 90% bullshit that most are just trying to sell you something, but I was into the idea of meeting & sleeping with loads of new women constantly. Which in itself was part of a deeper objective to get back at my ex, like "look at me now [censored]"

Over time I realized that with all the things I do in my life, a degree, voluntary jobs etc etc, I would be happy with a steady gf instead of trying to chat up random girls in the street all the time (although it really is an incredible rush to do)... Not just any gf though I mean there are certain criteria like must be drug-free, career, intelligence, particular good looks etc. Not unrealistic criteria but almost a female version of myself with some leeway & compromise here & there - like although I'd love her to be a boxing fan alongside me, I wouldn't want her to actually fight herself, but instead maintain her girlieness.

The woman I was talking to possessed all of my criteria & then some. She had some things I wasn't counting on like 3 kids however like I said there can be compromise. However maybe there is just too much to work with - she can never give me the time & love & attention I require, at least not for about 12/14 more years... I have already messaged her expressing my understanding of her position in regards the young people in trouble. I never said I would pay to see them harmed (not to her) I don't think there is much point in doing it again because it makes me look weak for keeping badgering her?

It's my sisters wedding in 2 months & now the woman I've invited won't talk to me any more I've got to find someone else. My kids mum would never come due to the huge fallout over the last few years, so I don't know how I would work that out if we were together, I guess I'd just go myself... I invited the 20 year old yesterday though & she said she would think about it because she already has a wedding to attend that month.

I am generally doing good in most areas of life, with 2 new jobs starting next month & the following month respectively. The first is an advisor for a large company & the second is an unpaid voluntary role a crisis phone line counsellor. It is just this area of my life I'm all over the place. Maybe I shouldn't push it, not try to force anything & just let it happen, but then again if I do leave it nothing happens. I need more exposure to the opposite [censored]. So gunna get out there more.

Hi again.

I think at the moment you are so desperate to be with someone that you are causing yourself more issues, the idea that you have of a perfect women and splitting with someone that didn't fit that shows you are on a road to lots of failed relationships.
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I think from reading what you have just written that you could do with some counselling, someone to talk too and get your head straight from whats been going on, counselling isn't the only option though, you could just work on yourself for now and not be trying to find a relationship, if you remove women from the equation for the time being and concentrate on your new jobs rather than the female company and physical contact you will probably start to realise that the perfect woman doesn't really exist your trying to find someone that will mirror you and in the past when you have realised that the one you are with doesn't " fit" you have moved on.
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I would look into some one on one counselling to help you get to the real reason you are acting this way or at least take ladies out of your life for the time being, then baybe you will find that specail someonw without even looking.

GTTS

I probably come across as desperate but I just crave a decent woman. I could probably have an average woman quite easily but I want a quality one. The reason I want a quality one is that after being fed over by my ex so astronomically I refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve. And the better she is than my ex, the better.

I did 6 counselling sessions almost a year ago. I don't think they did anything for me since all it was about was me talking about how I felt as a result of all the wrong committed against me. So rather than feel refreshed after it I just felt about the same, or worse, because I'd just resurrected everything, the worst being the unspeakably horrible action as other men having [censored] with the woman who carried my child. It matters not that we weren't officially together. I give zero shits about that. Just typing that out loud just now has made me feel a bit mad again & yes I would not bat an eyelid if I were to hear of them suffering immensely. Time isn't a healer it's just a mask. Depends on the wrongs of course but when it's something as undoable as that then no amount of time or apologies are ever going to make it right.

As for the actual things having happened, the fact they happened is the issue, the fact that they are in the past means nothing to me. I resurface all that s in an instant if I wanted - & therein lies a significant problem. I'll never get over it.

Like I said before I'm also at the present time unwilling to even consider the possibility of my son having a step-dad. I don't mean it to be offensive to step-dads, just that I refuse to accept this scenario after having all that [censored] done to me. Why should some other guy get to have hassle free life with my son after all the pain I went through?

Sounds f***ed I know. But inside I'm still not over it all & somewhere inside I'm still feeling like people should pay for what I endured.

Morning,

Something I said yesterday I comented you may find harsh, you said you didn't however you may find what I now write to be.
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I personally think that you need a lot of help, you need to return too councelling and continue until the anger you have is gone until that time you shouldn't even be thinking about a relationship. You are in a place at the moment where you have so much anger towards your ex and these men that's all you can think of and the more you think of it the worse you will be, get through counseling and address these issues, they will make you talk about them and they will make you angry but they will also in time help you to accept these things.
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I'm not going to talk about how I feel about the situation as a debate about who is right or wrong won't help on a forum what I will say is that your attitude towards woman at the moment is pretty bad, you are talking about them as if you want a new car and not a loving relationship, you say YOU deserve a good woman why do you feel that becuase you have been hurt in the past, that has nothing to do with any of these women you meet, and by seeing someone short term not liking something and feeling like you won't accept that part of the relationship and finishing it, isn't much different from how your relationship with your ex ended, she ended it and you were gutted, the women that you finished with for your reasons could have felt that way about you and you ended it and walked away.
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You are so angry at the moment that unless you get this sorted you are going to drop into deep depression with all the things going on in your head. Get some help to resolve that before you continue on the path of a relationship.
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To respond to your question, there is no way what so ever that you should consider getting back with your ex, the way you have spoken about her it would end in complete devistation one way or another.
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So you need to get some more counselling and find a way to re align the way you look at women before you will ever be happy.
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I feel strongly about what I've written, I could be wrong in my asumptions from reading your posts but I have a feeling I'm right, I have no intension of turning this into a mass debate about who is in the right or how what they should do to resolve things, only to say that until you manage to get over whats happened you will not be happy and your not going to get over this without help and following that help through until the end.

GTTS

I agree entirely with GTTS on this, and I'll add a couple of points.

Firstly, since you think counselling didn't do you any good, I'm puzzled why you are becoming a voluntary counselor yourself - I would have thought that to be effective in that role, you have to be pretty well of the belief that it can do some good, but your own experience doesn't give you that belief.

Second, I can understand your apprehension about someone else being a stepfather to your son, but until very recently, you thought that there could be a future for the woman you were chatting to on facebook, but if that had worked out, you would be stepping into the shoes of being a stepfather to her three children - you need to see it from another viewpoint. Just because your son may have a stepfather in the future, doesn't stop you from being his dad.

I know I'll be a good counsellor because I have already been one unofficially. I even believe that it will be therapeutic for me in my own healing.

The other thing, yes I've thought of that too & wasn't so much bothered until new girl dropped me. Although I admit I almost had a feeling of double standards on it - but only because I was screwed over. I mean if any of the situation was mutual & I'd even had the slightest say in my son's early years then maybe I wouldn't be so bitter. I know it wouldn't stop me from being his dad but I can't bear the thought of my son answering to another man in a father role, doing what this guy says etc. I wouldn't accept it, because I was screwed over.

I realized earlier I need help. I went for a walk through the city & was trembling on the inside & almost cried at how much pain I've been in for the past 4 years. That was when I accepted I need to seek out more effective professional help such as CBT.

The rage earlier was thinking of the other recent girl who rejected me. That triggered this all off again.

I was made aware yesterday, enlightened more like, of the very possible reason for my intense & continuous anger at my ex - my mother abandoning me when I was 10ish. She has an affair & I "went with dad" because I was the boy. There's no point going into the long story but the short version is that I held repressed pain & anger from that time which was pushed even further down with heavy drink & drug use... Apparently it's all come out now against my ex because of reasons that were very intricately explained, but just trust me on it. It sounds viable & I have something to think about.

That's why I'm going to try therapy again but from this new perspective.

It must a difficult situation for you and all that's going on. However, I'm glad that you mentioned your repressed emotions from the unhappy times as a child. I would agree with the other guys that until you deal with the past, I mean your childhood and growing up days, you are in no position to be in a relationship. The truth is women would sense your insecurity and run away and the cycle goes on and on - leaving you further deflated everytime.

Take time out and focus on you alone, maybe through further counselling. Get closure about why your Mum really left and how you longed for her presence. It is going to be difficult I know but you can do it.

Good luck