[Solved] Can't let go of what ex done when she was pregnant

I'll reply in full later mate but * me that is a carbon copy of my situation, my ex did exactly the same to me all them points you listed that your were ** off about I can tick off every one barred from the scans birth didnt find out till after the birth pics posted all over fb my sister had to tell me the [censored] of the baby it was shocking. I to was planning ways to do unspeakable things to her and the rest of her family so don't think you have major issues it natural to feel that way is you have been sh** on from a great hight like that.

I'm still seeing my ex in a contact centre I just carried on and managed to get PR and contact to move away from the CC but I'm still livid with my ex, I could easily punch her face in for sure but I HAVE to let it lie for the sake of our child, good on you for sticking by your child and at least you're seeing him.

When I was at the contact centre yesterday I met up with 4 other dads after one was a barraster, one was a policeman I work for the home office and the other dude managed his own company and we all had been treated the same and we all felt the way you do, none of us know the answer, you're experiencing normal reactions for sure I for one don't blame you mate at all.

Take care

Slim

I'll reply in full later mate but * me that is a carbon copy of my situation, my ex did exactly the same to me all them points you listed that your were ** off about I can tick off every one barred from the scans birth didnt find out till after the birth pics posted all over fb my sister had to tell me the [censored] of the baby it was shocking. I to was planning ways to do unspeakable things to her and the rest of her family so don't think you have major issues it natural to feel that way is you have been sh** on from a great hight like that.

Yeah man it's a pretty common occurrence from what I've found on the Internet & some stories from guys through the years. I actually remember years ago mates coming to me for advice about their pregnant ex being a c**t to them & little did I know I was to find myself in the same position one day.

I'm not as mad as I was 2 years ago because back then I was wishing she would die & all sorts of obscene sh*t like that. I have since become a lot calmer & I certainly no longer wish her to die or any of that crazy [censored]. In fact, as much as I may hate her guts myself, if I heard of any man hitting her I would go f***ing crazy & immediately go looking for the culprit. No matter what she did to me she is still my sons mother & for her to be hurt, would hurt him. How I gained this protective compassion for her was by putting myself in my sons shoes - I imagined back when I was just a toddler & pictured how it would feel if someone hurt my mother. Quite a disturbing thought! So yes, that's the reason for that.

I think as time goes on the pain & rage gets less & less, but it is still there no matter how deep down you stuff it it will always surface now & again & you are reminded of all the [censored] you felt & the wrongs committed against you.

I think I could work on forgiving most of it through time. But for me the killer blow is her having [censored] with other men whilst pregnant with my child. Did your ex do this? It's the worst feeling of all. This is easily the main reason I moved away when I did. I really did have a personal choice to make - either move away & build a new life, or castrate & kill as many of the target men I can before I'm caught & threw in jail. I think I made the right choice but it doesn't mean i don't still fantasise about decapitating them with a boning knife.

Something that was always important to me as i grew up into a man was that whenever I'm going to become a father that there would definitely under no circumstances be any other man having [censored] with the woman who carried my child apart from me, the natural father. The fact that this was taken away from me, coupled with the fact that I loved the woman, made it all the worse I believe.

Like I said the other stuff could work on being forgiven, but having [censored] with others while pregnant is something that can't be undone. It can never ever be turned around. No amount of apologising or grovelling (not that there's ever been any. It's too late now anyway) can make up for it, & I would love to leave the at least 11 men on my list lying on a stretch of country road some night sliced right the way back to their spinal cords. That's literally how livid I am about it.

I used to tell her that I looked forward to telling her son what a slag she was & showing him the messages etc. but I realise now that is a bad idea, & it would only be hurting him.

I have been trying really hard to,forgive her & at times it feels like it has worked, but then I remember everything & hate her again.

I definitely don't want bad things to happen to her. However I believe that those malicious thoughts have simply been transferred solely to the men involved. I would literally love to personally bite lumps out of their faces.

I'm still seeing my ex in a contact centre I just carried on and managed to get PR and contact to move away from the CC but I'm still livid with my ex, I could easily punch her face in for sure but I HAVE to let it lie for the sake of our child, good on you for sticking by your child and at least you're seeing him.

We never see each other at all just texting. But thanks man yeah I'll never give up. I withdrew the court [censored] but I'll always be around for my boy.

Also, keep holding that restraint mate.

When I was at the contact centre yesterday I met up with 4 other dads after one was a barraster, one was a policeman I work for the home office and the other dude managed his own company and we all had been treated the same and we all felt the way you do, none of us know the answer, you're experiencing normal reactions for sure I for one don't blame you mate at all.

I totally knew it was my natural reaction as a real man & father to be, & nothing to do with being a potential serial killer lol to be honest I'll go off on a tangent here for a second - my experience actually led me to understand some "psychopaths" you know the ones who kills their wife, her new man, the new mans brother, & her parents? Well I'm sure men in our position can completely understand how far they were pushed to go to them extremes. On their trial they will claim "but she made me do it" which yes, makes them sound utterly crazy, but it's true. And the result is a diagnosis of "insane" when in fact they might be an ordinary guy who was pushed too far

It sounds like you have come along way in managing to come to terms with the [censored] she has put you through, I did find out that she slept with her ex the father of her first child just after she told me she was pregnant and that was bad enough but I simply can't get my head round what your ex did to you and I can't say how I would deal with it but it sounds like the best thing you could have done moving away.

Obviously the most important person in this is your son so it may be have to be a case of forgiving but not forgetting with regards to all that what she did whilst she was pregnant for your sons sake.

Unfortunately the top and bottom of it is that you're going to have to be civil to your ex so you can communicate and both bring up little one this got pointed out to me by the judges in court at the final hearing on Friday, Yesterday we spoke at the contact centre for the first time in nearly a year, we exchanged phone numbers last night and she has offered me more contact as a result and she is letting me see my step daughter which the courts actually ordered against.

Now I swear it was tough in talking to her again, I had to eat a shed load of humble pie, I really had to swallow some pride and I never kicked off at all and I'm leanring the art of negotiation I can do nothing but forgive her for the sake of my girls but I will not forget, I simply have to work with her now end of story, as I acted in a diffefrent way and became more cooperative so did she I'm shocked and amazed I haven't received any abusive test or calls today even though she has my number so this is a start.

The past is the past nothing can be done to change it you really have to think about the future now and move things on or it will eat you up, this also came through in the court that they could not give a flying **** what went off in the past they are solely concentrated on moving things on and progressing contact with the child.

I'n the mean time like I said concentrate on being there for your child do the contact centre thing for as long as you need to this will prove to the ex and the system that you are committed and contact will be progressed outside of the centre in time if you have to go back to court then do it but make sure theres no recent history of abuse towards the ex.

Also try not to let it consume you carry on with your life get out and about do things to keep your mind off it all concentrate on work, hobbies, socialising excersise whatever floats your boat, time is usually the best healer man 🙂

Yeah I have came a long way but probably only because I moved a long way away too haha! If I didn't moved I'd most likely be on remand or trial now for multiple barbaric murders.

I'm glad I moved away. I swear it was literally a weight off my shoulders immediately. I went about my business the next day as if I'd lived in the city for my whole life, just happy to be out of the town I experienced so much hurt in. Obviously my family & friends didn't want me to go, & a few where actually shell shocked when I eventually left because they didn't think I would really go through with it. But ultimately they understood why I did. It never even mattered to me that the first house I lived in when I got here was an insect infested sh*thole, I was just happy to feel some freedom.

There is no problem with me keeping at the contact centre. I am actually glad it moved back there a year ago,because I couldn't truly be myself in front of my own son while in his aunties house. In the contact centre I can. It annoys me a bit that things could have been different & the likes of my ill mother not getting to see the son of HER only son. She has met him only twice when he was very young. He has met some of his aunties & one cousin. But I've just been blanking all that out, seeing him myself, & getting on with my life. My ex told me the other day she has no problem me taking his cousins to the contact centre which is nice, I do think it's nice & I will definitely bring them. However, the angry side of me is thinking why the f*ck are you behaving like me/we are dangerous criminals?

As for the past s*it. I'm too much of a man to accept it. I don't care about the facts of her technically being "single" because it hurt me more than anything ever has. Of course there will never be any friction in front of my child (if me & her ever even talk face to face again).

I hate repeating myself & telling the story of how I was wronged. I know it contributes to keeping my hurting. Im not a wuss of course, & I don't talk about it all the time, but it is underlying & I passively mention how much I want to kill the men sometimes.

I know I have kept things from progressing through the last couple of years. We will be getting on fine for ages & then I am in the habit of dragging up the past & reminding her of what a [censored] she was to me. I accept that is idiocracy because I'm just shooting myself in the foot every time, it's just part of the deep down pain I have that I want to keep reminding her of what she done to me, & that I'm not done with the men in question. What does that do for me? What am I trying to do to her? Nothing but hurt. F*ck!

I have had my pain & bitterness really put into perspective. Not lately, but over this whole messed up process. Allow me to explain something that is both very important to me, yet confusing at the same time. I'll make clear both aspects..

8 years ago me & a bunch of mates were having a few drinks in one of their houses, playing some cards at the kitchen table. Somehow we ended up fighting. I was fighting with the man of the house & this was a serious row. He had me by the throat & I pulled out a knife I was carrying (I had a knife because I was paranoid & scared for other reasons, but that's no excuse for carrying a knife like a scumbag) & I went to stab him. As I did, my best friend had come between us to try & split it up, & I hit him with the knife. Once I realised that I stabbed my best mate I swung the knife like crazy to get the guy off me, & in fairness it would amount to attempted murder.

So, a massive fallout after that. Thankfully nobody died. But there was major s*it after it. I lost a handful of good friends & my life started going down the pan taking more drugs to block out that pain of being isolated & having lost all credibility & ruined my reputation as a likeable cool guy to a low life scumbag.

Fast forward 5 years, during which time there were many meetings with the man of the house - my old friend who I cut the [censored] out of - & these interactions weren't pretty, with blood being drawn in broad daylight. He wrote to me on facebook & told me he wanted me to know that he forgave me for that night of madness in his house. That me & him were 100% & he wished me all the very best in my life. I should add that I sent him a friend request a week before just to reach out to him & hope that he accepted my hand in friendship. He obviously thought it over & returned to me, fully relieving me of the burden I had brought upon/between us. I told him I accepted full responsibility for what I done that night, that I was sorry, & that I had felt bad ever since it.

I have never been more sure of anything in my life that that man is one of my most treasured friends in my entire life & he always will be. This feeling is mutual & we often talk, even if we don't see each other face to face much.

And that is where the confusing bit comes in. I have been gifted with forgiveness by someone I wronged for an awful action I committed, so I don't understand how I'm not able to offer true forgiveness to my child's mother, & that makes me sad as [censored]. I think maybe it will happen eventually & I simply can't force it.

The point is I have been at the very centre of true forgiveness & I know the power of forgiveness - me sharing a closer friendship with the person I wronged is proof of that. And I'm trying my best to utilise that into my forgiving my ex.

I even turned to my friend, the guy I wronged, last year & asked him how he forgave me. I told him I was struggling to forgive my child's mother for things she done to me & i needed to know how he was able to forgive & love me again. He told me it was because he saw I had changed my life around, that i had given up the drugs, & that I was trying to do good in the world by educating kids about drug dangers, & he immediately decided I deserved to be forgiven.

That was a year & a half ago when I asked my good friend how he managed to forgive me, & I still haven't completely forgave. It is easy to say the words, it's even easy to "really mean" them by emphasising it with seriousness. But there is a difference in saying the words & your soul allowing it to be true. It's so easy to say "I let it go" but then a week later you think about it & you're f*cked off again.

I actually get annoyed about the possibility of future stuff like my ex getting married or something. I can't see any way I would be able to shake the hand of some guy who is a STEP DAD to my child.... I would probably be ok with it if any of this was a mutual thing but the fact I got f*cked over greatly unfortunately against my will means I am not happy to accept any other guy in my child life in a father role. My ex told me 6 months ago there was nobody & that if she ever got married she would never change our sons name (something that worried me, that's why she said) but I can't accept my son spending more time with another man than his daddy. Which he already has his whole life with her cousin, my boy's uncle, his grandpa....but anyone who is her fella is a no no. And yes there is obviously the ex, that I know of, who has too.

I should point out that I mean no offence to step dads. I just don't like the idea of my son having one. Fair enough?

I wish all that sh*t I can't control didn't hurt so much. I know guys who don't give a [censored] about their children & wanted abortions. I was "advised" not to give a [censored]. That's the difference though, they aren't real men. Lads like us, are.

Whether I can do anything about it or not, it doesn't mean I have to accept it as something I like or agree with.

You Slim, have clearly made a major leap from what I gather? It looks that way. Good luck with it. Knowing me I'd be ok for a few weeks then kick up past stuff to ruin it all again. If you maintain your composure you will continue to improve your situation.

Look at us, advising each other against things we can barely control ourselves lol

Slim has covered an awful lot above. I can only add stress that you need to move on with your life for your own sake, and in doing so, your son will benefit. Much as I can appreciate your feelings, when your relationship with her ended, she was completely free to do as she wanted, just in the same way that you were. Her pregnancy isn't a reason why she shouldn't go out, and as long as she isn't doing any physical harm, then it is really her life, and until the baby is born, her life is her own.

I agree that you should have been one of the first to be told, and not have it all over facebook. You need to be looking forward to the times you can have with your son, not back at what has happened in her life - that will do no good for your relationship with your son at all.

I was considering doing more counselling in the new year but I think it's possible that's just going to keep me in hurt mode, where I'm rehashing all the details of what I'm angry & bitter about. I'll just end up leaving the room worse than when I entered because all the feeling that come with the memories will have been resurrected. If I find that I do really need to do more counselling then I will, but first...

On Christmas Eve as I thought hard over a glass of wine, I made a decision to grant my ex forgiveness. I have told her before loads of times that I trying hard to forgive her, & sometimes I told her I did forgive her because I thought I was nearly there, but deep down I still seethed & was lying to both myself & her.

However, I decided on Xmas eve that enough was enough, I text my ex & told her that whether it mattered to her or not, that I was giving her true forgiveness for Christmas, that it was my gift to her.

I then once again praised her greatness as a mummy, pointed out that I'd sometimes been overlooking all the good things she does by dragging up the past & messing things up all the time. But ultimately that it was over, that I was going into the new year with a clean slate & no past stuff clouding my life. I told her that I let go of the past.... Then I went onto facebook & blocked everyone who I have resentments for, from the men who have got new lives & kids etc, to the friends of my ex who are responsible for some aspects of my pain. I can't see any of them now. A clean slate.

I'm confident I really mean it this time. I have felt a change already, if only excitement about being free from hate. I remember making a decision to "forget the past" at the turn of 2012, yet 3 full years later I was still stuck hurting. No way am I going to do go into another year feeling like that.

The forgiveness is the combination of a couple of things..

I have been trying to get through this for 3 years. During that time I have attempted to forgive my ex various times, probably up to 10 times. Each time I failed & some of those times I knew I was lying to myself & to her. As a result I think I have come to that point where I have simply had enough of the hurt I hold. All the attempts at forgiveness have been leading up to this & now I finally get to go through with it for good. The difference this time is exactly that, that I feel different than I did all the other times. I don't have that inner voice telling me "you don't really mean it".

I have always felt so "scarred" that I made a point of reminding my ex what she done every so often, which effectively meant I shot myself in the foot on many occasions where the s**t I wrote on Twitter or messages I sent calling her a slag in retaliation to stuff she said kept us from progressing. I accept my part in that.

But now I see that rather than carry on being in the role of the hard-done-by ex who is bitter, I'm going to truly be the better person that I know I am. I think 3 years is enough for my ex to know she never done right by me, & she will always know that without me having to remind her periodically.

One thing that strikes me is that you hold a lot of hate towards the men in your ex's life but remember they can for the most part be considered innocent parties in all of this. I dare say your ex spun them a whole tirade of lies about you and your treatment of her to gain their trust and protection. Unfortunately its what women like her do and gives decent woman a bad name to boot.
Perhaps if you attempt to see that they are probably victims of her as well you can let go some of your anger because it really does no-one any good, defiantly not you or your son and in all these situations it should only ever be about the child or children and what is in their best interests. Dad going around carrying a whole heap of anger is never in a child's best interest and anyway by living the way you are, you are letting her have the upper hand.

I agree with TDM...Although you have made a really good start by agreeing to leave the past in the past and move on without any more recriminations. I'm sure the next part will be easier because of that.

Well done and good luck!

One thing that strikes me is that you hold a lot of hate towards the men in your ex's life but remember they can for the most part be considered innocent parties in all of this. I dare say your ex spun them a whole tirade of lies about you and your treatment of her to gain their trust and protection. Unfortunately its what women like her do and gives decent woman a bad name to boot.
Perhaps if you attempt to see that they are probably victims of her as well you can let go some of your anger because it really does no-one any good, defiantly not you or your son and in all these situations it should only ever be about the child or children and what is in their best interests. Dad going around carrying a whole heap of anger is never in a child's best interest and anyway by living the way you are, you are letting her have the upper hand.

I think if I was going to see it that way I would have seen it that way long ago.

No, I don't like the men nor will I ever. And I know you never said I had to like them, but I will also not see them as "victims" or innocent parties.

I'm growing on the idea of the ones from before she was pregnant who neither she nor her knew, that I can maybe let slide. But anyone after she found out, there may only be that one guy or I have at least one other suspicion. Them two knew she was pregnant & carrying another mans child. So although they will be safe if they never cross my path, I can't say I would be disappointed if they happened to get castrated. I would be ECSTATIC if their girl got pregnant & it happens to them.

I've let it go & removing the anger from my life. I'm giving her the gift of forgiveness & at the same time taking away the upper hand from her.

I agree with TDM...Although you have made a really good start by agreeing to leave the past in the past and move on without any more recriminations. I'm sure the next part will be easier because of that.

Well done and good luck!

Yeah thanks I'm excited about the future 🙂

I know I have done well but..

Was seeing my kid yesterday in the contact centre. I wasn't prepared for what I was presented with. Outside the contact centre sat this guy's car who was an ex bf of my child's mother from before I was with her.

He is a slave-waste-puppy-go-fetch [censored] that has always been & always will be sniffing around my ex - she would use him to bring our alcohol to my house when I was with her for example, etc etc.

The back of the car was to me & I stared at the car as I made my way into the centre, 99% sure that the car was that of this guy.

Turns out it was him, & he had ran my ex & my child over to the centre.

I'm not happy about this at all. It's bittersweet because "aww he's such a nice guy running your child over to see you" right? but no, I [censored] hate him & we have bad blood between us. The bad blood is because he did everything in his power to try & drive a wedge between me & my child's mum when we were together.

My cousin goes to the contact centre & is his friend. He told me that on Facebook this other guy was checking in on Facebook "partying" or "drinking " at my ex gf's house recently.

Whether they are together as bf & gf now isn't even important. I'm fuming that he brought my child to see me. If they are together, I'm fuming that he see's my child more, yet I haven't been welcome near her house until recently.

Oh yeah she had words with the main contact centre woman that she wants to move it to her house & that we'll work that out soon enough.

Fair enough, but what if for example I go to the house & this other guy is there? Or it may be a case where I need her to collect me for the final few miles, what if she sends him or collects me with him? Well to be honest I'd be clarifying everything first & I will refuse if he or indeed ANYONE who would be in the role of bf.

I can't accept a situation like this. I've recently forgave her at Xmas for all the past [censored], but now this part of the past has been resurrected - he is one of the men I suspect had [censored] with her whilst pregnant. Does that mean I still want to hurt him? Yes it does. I would get satisfaction from it. However I don't fancy a long jail sentence.

What should I do now? I don't know. I'll see what happens over the next few weeks & if we work out me seeing my boy in her house etc, but..

I want to beat the [censored] out of this guy. I do imagine that if our paths cross outside my child being with him, that I'll drag him out of his car & bite lumps out of his face.

I'm sorry for sounding like a nutter. But I'm pissed the [censored] off.