[Solved] Between a rock and a hard Place

Hello all,

I need some advice/thoughts on my situation as I am finding it difficult to find a way forward.

I recently moved to Bristol from London last year November, to further my career. I have a relatively decent job and have been enjoying life. Around Feb/March 2013, I met a girl where we went on a couple of dates, but I wouldn’t say we were dating or serious about each other. She was in her final year of Uni and didn’t know her future plans; therefore I would class the relationship was casual.

Fast forward to June 2013 and after sleeping together 3 times between March 13 and June 13 she got pregnant and I am the father. Upon finding out, I was initially stunned and after the first few days of shock, I decided to talk to her about what she wanted to do. Long story short she wanted to keep the baby and despite my objection, given the circumstance and implications for both of us (Length of time we had known each other, she didn’t have a job, I couldn’t afford a child and I could be transferred with by my company at any time) she still wanted to keep the baby.

I have always maintained that I would support her and the baby, including being there physically, financially and in any further way I possibly could. She seemed to be happy with this way forward and after a period of arguing we were at a place where you could say there was harmony and calmness. The understanding was that she would stay at home with her parents (near Bath) until the baby was born and then think about moving out once she is ready.

A point I explained to her was that on my current salary I could not afford to support her i.e. her living with me and I pay for her and baby on my sole income. I explained that she would either have to stay at home until she was working or get housing through benefits, even though I was very uneasy about that. I thought she had understood this, however this week she called me and said she wanted to get something of her chest, which was she wanted to live with me to see if we can make things work i.e. living with me for a few day in the week or over weekends so she can be close to me, Bristol and her friends.

Whilst this is understandable, I think she is only saying it to be close to her friends as she is bored of being at home and not that she really wants to be with me. I made my feeling clear initially that we should only be having a child together if we truly love each other and can provide the best we can for the baby. Despite this, I don’t feel she really considered my point of view and all she was thinking about was the nice aspects of having a baby and did not consider the practical aspects. She made decisions unilaterally and explained that she was thinking about herself first as e she was having the baby and had to do what was good for her. I obviously thought that was highly unfair, but as I had no powers in decision making, I’ve had to accept that.

I am now at a point where I just want to be friends with her and support her so the baby has a happy environment and eventually we can split the parenting. I explained to her that I now have to fully concentrate on my career to try and provide the best I can for the child in the future, which could mean moving away from Bristol to pursue better opportunities. She seems to think I am obsessed with money, however I think we just different aspirations in life.

I am however worried that if it tell her directly that I just want a plutonic relationship with her, she will not like that and use the baby to force me to do what she wants I.e. her move in with me and us be a couple. Being in a situation where I had no control or influence on the decision that was made, makes me feel resentful and I cannot see how I can be with her. I do respect her as she is having my child but being with her would make me feel forced into the situation.

She has stated previously that she wants someone to love her for herself not for the baby, however I can’t help the way I feel which is I am communicating/supporting her because of the baby.