[Solved] Becoming a step dad maybe?

Sounds like you have a lot to think about. I am a step dad to one daughter, have two of my own and brought in a new step mum to the three of them so I have experienced something of what your going through. I know it's different for men and women and all that but my wife would have said the same thing about having no desire to particularly have children but funnily enough we were talking about this very issue the other day - we have been married for 3 years now - and she is so glad that she has them now as she probably wouldn't have had kids any other way. In terms of how it goes, it is so unique for everybody and I wish I could give you a formula to make it work. It's damned hard at times as you are always living in the face of someone elses shadow, especially as you say with the boy who really needs his father but it sounds like things are not going well there at the moment. Perhaps the hardest thing is that you invest so much of your energy, time, resources etc into it and you have no guarantee of 'return', but I think I have realised that it doesn't matter whether they are yours or not, you never get that guarantee anyway. I often found I was waiting for the day when the fact that 'I am not their dad' would be thrown at me, and sure enough the day came and it was incredibly difficult to handle but I trust that the input I have had will help to resolve it as she matures into adulthood (she is a 15 year old teenage girl!!). The books etc are all great for giving you a theoretical basis for understanding how you feel about it emotionally, but as I say, everyone is unique and I guess ultimately I would say it's really hard work, but most definately worth the slog and you will, I am sure, find incredible reward in it and whilst, you may never replace their father, the relationship that you can have with them is really very strong, unique and will bring you immense joy. Good luck with it all, and if you want thoughts on any specific issue please do shout again and I will do my best to answer it!

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Silly question how long between the split ups and the introduction of you and your new partner?

I think that is the biggest issue that we are currently discussing, my partner wants to leave it up to a year on from today! Why I am trying to get across to her is that leaving our relationship that long may mean that it becomes weaker than it is today, especially as she is getting increasingly stressed and I am the only person who she really unloads on.

Both of us have very stressful and demanding jobs and today she is having to carry two houses and most of the kids issues as the father is unable to deal with them adequately.

Even when I interact with the kids as a friend, they have told me things and I think this is more because they see that their mum trusts me and listens to me and that I have helped her.

So what was your experience.

Sorry if this is too personal and I do appreciate the time

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I don't get on here very much!! For us we had been separated for about 3 years when I got together with their step-mum. Before we got married we were together for nearly two years. Because we are Christians we didn't live together before we were married but obviously she would come over to our house and we would visit there (not overnight though). So I suppose in that respect it was a fairly gentle introduction but the kids adored her from day 1 really and responded really well to her. It has been difficult with their mum at times in the early days when they lived full time with me so I do appreciate some of what your partner is discussing and I think if your relationship is strong then it will ultimately survive. In the meantime if your partner trusts you and this is evident then continue to build on that and develop your own relationship with the children. Ultimately that can only be beneficial for both you and the children in the long run. It will also demonstrate to your partner that you are willing to take things slowly and supporting her in her concerns and worries. If there is anything I learnt from my break up and subsequent successful marriage it's that you cannot stress highly enough the importance of communication! There were a lot of things that worried both me and my partner when we first got together and for quite some time after and we just had to listen to each other and make time to discuss it and really seek to appreciate the other's perspective. I know that's hard at times but it really will be beneficial in the long run! Hope that helps and answers your question but please carry on asking if it doesn't!!

Thanks again for the feedback and sofrry for taking so long to read and reply (holiday!!)

Hi mate

im only 27, only recently married (jan this yr) and have only been a stepdad for 9 months so not sure my 2p is worth anything, but what I would say is that although it can be quite hard work, it can be worth it too. my wife left her ex just over 2 yrs ago now, and while i'd known them both as acquaintance before, i'd not really known all the ins and outs of their relationship (he's had about 17 affairs, very controlling, the usual) so when we started going out, it was like a red rag to a bull to him. this meant we had to take things quite slow (not to mention the fact that 3 dates in to our relationship she found out she was pregnant with his baby). however, taking it a bit slower, esp since she wasnt divorced yet, and we are christians so didnt live together before we were married, meant I got to know her daughter and started to build a relationship. there are still times when her dads influence is strong and she can be a stroppy little madam, but as every day goes by our relationship gets better. I would say take your time, if you really love her enough to take on her, her emotional issues and her children your relationship will stand the test of time and you will be able to show her, and the kids, that you are something good for them.

anyway, as i say, not sure my opinion is worth much, but hope it helps.

Hello Basdad, how has all this developed for you? Have you found a good way forward for yourself and all concerned? Are you now a fully-fledged stepdad? I am currently researching stepdad stories for a radio documentary and would love to hear from you - thank you very much!

What sort of things do you want to know? - there's quite a few stepdads on here

Hi Kristine,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply, I actually forgot all about this site (oops 😮 ) and after trawling through a bunch of emails, saw my registration details and thought i'd give it a try. Guess i'm too late for your radio programme, but hey ho.

The upshot of my story is that we've now been married for just over 2 years and things have settled down really well for us. My wife's ex calmed down a lot once he realised I wasn't going anywhere and his antics didn't bother/scare me. Of course he still has his moments but we are much more adept at handling him and helping the kids to cope with living between 2 families.
A few months ago a financial issue came up with regards to their house and some changes he wanted to make. The Mrs pointed out to him that since neither he nor she work, I am the only one financially providing for THEIR children and that he should be grateful to me for doing what he cant. I was really proud of her for this as it's something she never would have said a few years back.
In fact, things have got to such a good point with everything that in Feb we found out she is expecting number 3 so come November i'll make the transition from step-dad to real dad. We've had the talk with the kids about half brothers/sisters and tried to help them to see that it doesnt really matter as long as everyone feels loved. They are really looking forward to a brother or sister, so things are cool. We had our first scan today (a little early due to a scare last week) but everything is going along well. It'll be nice to join our family together as a whole, kinda feels like it should do. I've had my moments of thinking whether i'll feel differently towards my own child rather than the other 2 but i'm determined it wont make any difference.

Sorry for my waffle, just thought i'd share my update

I actually forgot all about this site

How could you forget about us mate ?

Glad you're back though.

Gooner

oops... 😮 D