[Solved] Anyone else in a similar scenario?

Hi DTJ,

I hear you about hatred for your former, I have been through this and put some thought into it. My former also has a string of short term relationships and involved our children from the start.

Im not sure why she thinks its a good idea that her and every partner she decides to bunk up with have to take the children to the cinema or have the children witness them in bed. Stinks.....

Where I am at with the hatred at the moment is this....I dont hate her per se but I hate her behaviours and actions, well the ones that are detrimental to the children. Her behaviours and actions seem to me to clearly illustrate the hatred that she has for me outweighs her desire to put the children first.

Regards,

Dave

Like Dave said you have to separate your hatred of her and don't lose sight of she is the Mother of your child. One way or another you simply are going to have to get on for the sake of the little one, like you said you can't forgive the things she has done, I can't forgive my ex and I hate what she has done to my child more than me to be honest but I have had to swallow a bit of pride eat a healthy portion of humble pie and actually be nice to the [censored].

I've realised it's not what they have done but your approach to it and it's only you who can alter the way you feel towards the ex, Hate is a nasty thing and it can eat you up if you don't learn how to deal with it, they are no easy answers I can sort of forget but I can't and won't forgive I also try to focus completely on the child and forget about the ex, my bllood does still boil sometimes though trust me!

.I dont hate her per se but I hate her behaviours and actions, well the ones that are detrimental to the children. Her behaviours and actions seem to me to clearly illustrate the hatred that she has for me outweighs her desire to put the children first.

That's pretty much my opinion of my ex 8 years on - though I'd say that I despise her actions, rather than hate. My feelings towards my ex are totally indifferent - she has no bearing on my life and I really couldn't care less about her, aside from where my children are affected.

I am pretty sure, however, that she still hates me - apparently she was saying some nasty things about me to my daughter recently - my daughter told her that she didn't want her to say anything bad about me, and that pretty much stopped it. What it did show, though, was that her hatred for me is presumably still consuming her life, and that it's also not helping an already poor relationship she has with the children.

Moral is, concentrate on your children and don't put them in the middle, or say anything bad about your ex - you'll have a much better relationship with your children. If your ex does badmouths you, it will backfire on her.

Thanks for the replies,

I know a lot of the resentment I feel towards her now is based around the whole 'happy family' scenario I mentioned. I sometimes feel a bit guilty when I have my son as I don't always take him out to places when I know she has done. I'm worried at the moment that he feels being with his Mum and her new boyfriend is more fun.

As he grows up, he will appreciate simply that you are spending time with him - activities don't have to cost anything, just the fact that you are giving him your undivided attention counts for a lot.

I have hated from the hottest point of the hatred cauldren where I literally felt I wanted to beat the s**t out of her dad, friends, boyfriend, basically every & any man in her life in any capacity. I threatened to castrate men she was involved with when she was pregnant. I felt desperately on edge for about a year before I moved away outta town 50 miles away so that I didn't actually go through with any of it.

She was with a new guy after our child was born & I asked her a year later long after they'd broke up (we were discussing a reunion) why they broke up. She told me she thinks he got fed up having to share a bed with her & my son.

Obviously I went nuts & told her I was going to kill him, mutilate him etc etc. and that was our reunion over.

As for the hate I have had it too long, 3 years+. I decided on Xmas eve to grant her true forgiveness for everything she did to me. I tried forgiving her loads of times but it didn't work, this time I think it will. I feel different.

I'm worried about future stuff like if she ever gets married or something. I'll never accept my boy having a step dad. I don't see me shaking the hand of someone else who gets more time with my son than me. One thing I will make sure of though is that my boy NEVER calls anyone else dad but me.

I'm focusing on my life & all the things I have going on. I study Psycholoy, I started breakdancing a few months ago, I train as a boxer & I'm going to take up Krav Maga.

If you have things like that going on, hobbies or interests, focus on them. If you haven't got any, get some.

Another piece of advice that worked for me is moving away. I highly recommend it to anyone who can do it. It's the best thing I could have done for myself at the time & I don't regret it.

I have not quite had the experience you have and do not want to come across as though I know what you are going through as for everyone, as we are all different how separation affects us, is unique. For me I couldn’t stand my ex when we split, even speaking to her would make my blood boil, with thoughts of betrayal, thoughts of my son not being with etc. However after a while I started doing things that I hadn’t done in years, fishing, walking going to gym and getting my life back to some degree. For me this was an important step as moving on with my life allowed me for the first time to concentrate on the future and not what happened in the past. The worst thing I had was, my son, I love him with every fibre of my being, but it was a double edged sword, seeing him was a reminder of my past and if I didn’t come to terms with the past, whether I liked it or not it was having an effect on how my relationship with my son was being developed.

You child as they get older will mention things about your ex’s household that will burn you to the core if you are not able to let go. This will affect your mood when you are around your child and it can leave them with the feeling that they are the one who has done something wrong and my son withdrew from me. No longer talking with the freedom he should be able to, especially to his father.

I can’t tell you to let go and it will all be fine, as even now there are times when I still flare up and feel like burning the world around my ex down, but I no longer fester for days and generally am able to let things go a lot better now.

As for the hate I have had it too long, 3 years+. I decided on Xmas eve to grant her true forgiveness for everything she did to me. I tried forgiving her loads of times but it didn't work, this time I think it will. I feel different.

As long as you hate her and are consumed by thoughts of hating her, you will never be able to move on with your life and for me this was an important step. Moving on with my life helped me see past this and now I no longer hate my ex, but actually feel sorry for her. I still have moments where I flare up, when she does some silly thing that affects my boy, but in large I have a new life, which now I can see is so much better than she should have ever offered me and I count myself fortunate that I am no longer in what was a destructive relationship, I have a new partner who is awesome and my son is happy in both households.

One thing I will make sure of though is that my boy NEVER calls anyone else dad but me.

You are probably not going to like this, I really didn’t when I was told but this is not your decision to make, the decision lies with your child. If anything be thankful that whomever he may be, treats your child well enough for you child to consider him a father figure and that is what he will be a father figure. You will always be his father, by your child calling him dad will not replace you but if your ex remarries and there is nothing you can do about this, whether your son calls him dad or even at a later stage if you marry your partner mom, this is your child’s choice. Ask yourself are you prepared to put your child in the unenviable position of having to choose? I personally do not think it is fair on the child and have seen this tear families apart who have split because of the pressure it places on the child and not allowing the move on either.

I agree with what you say Lofty123. The hate issue though is a powerful defence mechanism, it was/is for me. I needed to go through a long and difficult court process as many of us have, and to be honest I don't feel I could have fought against my ex the way I did without suppressing the love I once had for her. When you do suppress what was in the past then we replace those feelings with what we perceive to be stronger emotions that are better suited to a 'fight', ie hate and anger.

I found the court process easier to deal with when I had what I thought was absolute hate for my ex. And because I achieved what I wanted from the court in terms of my access, this just served to reinforce the belief that the hate was justified and somehow a positive thing. But for me, I realise it was just a defence mechanism that I had consciously created. I don't hate my ex, I do hate some of the things she does, I hate some of the things she is capable of doing, but I don't hate her as a person. Its difficult, especially when you get to the stage where she has a new partner and this man spends more time with your child than you, and you know that when you think about them all together, it is painful. Very painful.

But as Lofty123 says, you can't allow that to create any negativity with your child. They don't share our 'grown up' emotions, they don't have the same concepts we do. Its all too easy to get into a spiral of self-doubt, and feel that by having another man in her life who spends time with your child, that this is yet another way she has to get at you, to undermine you. But as I said earlier, I don't want to carry on believing that I hate her as a person, but I can still hate some of the things she does.

Its really not easy guys. No one solution to suit all, though I wish there were.

There were some comments in my mind as I read the replies (I never saw them until now) but then something big jumped out at me as I got to it...

No way am I allowing my son to call another man dad.

I am his daddy & that is the be all & end all of the matter. If his mum marries & he has a new step dad then he will be calling him by his name. No deviation from this.

I've voiced my concerns with my ex before about my sons surname if she ever married & she told me she wouldn't change his surname (he has her surname). So by the same token, I would like her to have the consideration that her son only calls his daddy by the name of daddy.

You can say it's the child's choice to make but no, I'm his father & I will be ensuring that I am the ONLY person in the world that he calls by the name of daddy.

No f*****g way. Just no. I've had everything else taken from me. I will not have this taken from me also.