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Hi there, as you'll have probably already guessed, I'm new here.
Okay, wow. Where to start? Well, I'm in a relationship that I tried to get out of a long time ago. Yep, spineless from the start! After we'd been going out for a few weeks I found an intense jealousy in her that I accepted because of the stories she told me of her ex - that he had been having an on-line affair with someone else. Having been cheated on a few times in my life I took from that, that she was similar to me and whole-heartedly took her side on the subject. However, now that we've been together for more than 8 years things are very different in perspective to me. Particularly in that I'm now always being accused of foul-play or worse, yet have never given her any reason to think so ( I may be a few things, but a cheater I am NOT). Sorry, I'm jumping ahead; so at the start I realized that none of my friends were acceptable to her, that my interests were generally nothing more than "a waste of time" and that I was basically "an alcoholic" because whenever I went out it was to my usual watering hole. See, I was pretty much homeless when I met my partner. Years before we met I'd already tried to make a go of raising my ex's child from birth because, well because I loved her so much I would have done anything for her. But that little girl I raised for 5 years had also taken my heart, and losing her (found my ex in bed with some other guy) and my ex hit me so hard, I just pushed the self-destruct button. I wound up jobless and homeless from neglecting and hating myself for allowing it to even happen and I swore I'd never let it happen again.
Anyway, it didn't take me long to realize that my current partner had some serious issues that I couldn't help with regardless of what I did to try and ease her mind. Not only that it was becoming more and more obvious that she had been systematically warning my friends away from me. Within a year of our relationship I was cut-off from everyone I knew - including my mother (because they had an argument once over my mum warning me off of her). I became depressed and, rather than facing it head-on I reverted backwards into my gaming (my life-love is computer games, I know, saddo right?) since going out was no longer "allowed" and if I did it had to be with her at all times. It was about then that I knew I had to cut it off, so I just walked out! She followed me. She followed me begging and crying in the street - it was embarrassing and made me feel so nasty that I was hurting her so much. This happened quite a few times until I realized no matter how or when I try to leave I'd be threatened with what she'd do to herself if I did leave. So I stayed.
After our 5th year together she started saying she wanted a family. By then I had learned not to talk about my past or anyone affiliated with me from fear of saying the wrong thing or being accused of something - usually any time I mentioned a female friend. Having my own opinion basically resulted in an argument, even concerning the smallest of things. I was terrified of having another baby too, not just because of how it nearly killed me losing my step-daughter but the thought of raising a balanced child with someone so paranoid and controlling seemed like an impossibility. She had a medical reason for wanting a child so urgently, and being as lost and out of control as I was, I agreed.
Don't get me wrong here, I LOVE my daughter more than anything and would never take it back. There's never been a day that I've regretted her birth, every time I look at her I just see everything I'd hoped for. And the best part is, she's biologically mine this time, I can see me within her. But now I'm so very afraid of losing her. We've been arguing more and more over the last year and it all basically comes down to me not doing as I'm told. Right now I'm self-employed and run my own business, but it's taking a long [censored] time to get off the ground. What this means is that some months I have to ask her to subsidize the business rent with her own pay, which I fully understand is not a fun thing to do. Even though I worked so hard to pay her into university and kept us afloat for two years while she found her feet career-wise, when my business takes a dip some months the instant reaction is to drop the whole thing since I'm such a burden. In the last couple of weeks she's pointed out several times that *when we split up she'd make a point of never letting me see our daughter and that if I'm to avoid this I'd better "buck up and try to keep her".
I'm depressed, lonely and lost as where to turn. If she split us up I know my business would fail, I don't have the funds to get my own place and have no friends left to turn to. She's even managed to get my estranged sister on her side and my dad, who I never really had much of a relationship with to begin with. Nothing I do is ever good enough and I apparently put no effort into our relationship (by being romantic or loving) and just don't know what to do. The only person that might have helped me in this situation is my mum, who passed away some months ago. I can't talk to my dad about it because all he does is tell her everything I've said which just makes her angry and vindictive against me, it's the same situation with my sister. I have some friends online that I talk to that live in other countries who understand my situation which relieves my anxiety somewhat but should she find out that I talk to them about these things I face another few months of scolding and belittling for "going behind her back" and "letting the world know our problems". Apparently they're not my friends but strangers that I shouldn't be telling anything to.
Anyway, that's me. I feel trapped, I feel useless and I'm very afraid of losing my daughter. The only solution I see is to just suck it up and be as nice to my partner as I can be and try to keep us together so I won't lose my little girl.
I haven't got much advice but had to reply
She sounds a very jealous controlling person and psychologically has the rejection schema, maybe she was rejected in childhood somewhere along the line, anyway that's a different story, she is bullying you into staying by staying you won't see your daughter, that's awful!
Are you on the child's birth certificate? If so you have parental responsibility, if you split you can apply to courts for a contact order which will give you access, the judges are all for giving access to fathers, even of your not on the birth certificate you could apply for parental responsibility at the same you apply for a contact order.
You don't have to go through a solicitor for this, you can apply for the forms from the court yourself to fill in, then just use a solicitor to come to court with you if you didn't want to go on your own.
Have you got any old friends you could get back in touch with, without her knowing? For advice, chats
Firstly, thank you for the reply Huxley.
Yes, I'm on my daughter's birth certificate, in fact my daughter has my name and not hers since we're not married yet - I've been avoiding it as much as I can, for obvious reasons. The thing is, my mum and dad both split when I was 2. From this I watched my mum use me as a weapon against my dad quite often, threatening him with no contact unless he did as she asked. It made me feel very guilty as a small boy that I was the cause of all these problems for him. As a result of that situation I didn't exactly manage to make a good relationship with him. All I remember from those years was wondering when I'd next see my dad but at the same time I could never feel close to him. After losing my step-daughter so easily (granted from my own inaction) and knowing how easy it was for me to just stop caring about my dad being a part of my life my greatest fear is that if we do split my daughter will go down the same path and eventually write me off as just a man who didn't care. I don't think I could handle being a "weekend dad". Not only this but my partner's (almost crazy) out-look on life probably wouldn't help her see the world properly. Which is why I refuse to get out of this situation.
As for friends, no, I don't have anyone left. Even if I did try to get out of the house it's an impossibility since she always either needs actual "proof" of where I'm going or has to come with me - to make sure I'm "behaving".
Thank you for the legal pointers though.
A few friends of mine have girlfriends just the same, they want to know who they are texting, where they are going, it's such a shame when jealousy takes over
I don't know what else to suggest, I suppose you have your 2 options stay or leave
Hi there
I think rather than see staying as a weakness, try looking at it as a strength! Change your perception of yourself and recognise that the reasons you are staying on are for your daughter..you are being strong for her sake, not weak at all!
It's time you started trying to rebuild your confidence in yourself and you can start by looking at the positives about yourself. You sound a very loyal person and not everyone has the strength to start their own business, and by the sound of it you have done this without the support of anyone else!
As far as friends are concerned, you have already started making new ones by coming here and talking about your feelings....another strong point!
Would it be worth trying for relationship counselling to see if there is any way you can rebuild the partnership?
I'm sorry you are in this position; I could have written your post almost word for word a few years ago. As others have said focus on the positives, you have shown great strength in wanting to stay for your child's sake; that strength will be evident to your child and you will enjoy a great relationship.
Your can ask your partner if she would like to attend relationship counselling with you, if she declines this will give you an idea of her feelings towards you and the situation you are in. Your partner more than likely has abadonment and rejection issues that are not of your making. How romantic you are, how successful your business is, the list; I'm certain will be endless. Even if you "buck up to try and keep her" she will remain unhappy and find something new to find fault with. She is trying to make you responsible for her happiness, which sadly doesn't work except to suck the life from you & destroy your self worth in the process.
She most likely doesn't want you to speak to other people for fear that they'll confirm what you are telling us that her distorted view of the world is wrong. If it was right and your relationship was based on love and mutual respect you may not be depressed or writing on here. She has isolated you and turned your friends and family members against you so you remain tied to her. You've turned inwards to your gaming as a way to protect yourself emotionally. If you can try and call Mankind Initiative or Men's Advice Line or look online at dvmen.co.uk you will begin taking back control of your life.
You can download & print court forms and as others have said and apply for contact, there is a wealth of information on here and various support forums online to help with this. Barring any serious risk to your child, whatever threats your partner makes the courts will almost certainly grant you contact. Your child may be in a better place spending quality time with a loving, attentive father in a stress free environment at weekends. You will be able to demonstrate "normal" to your child during your time together.
Please look after yourself, whether you chose to stay in the relationship or not you are no use to your child if you are ill. Eat well, get some exercise if you can, go outside and breathe in some fresh air. Write a journal, keep a diary, and talk on forums like this and you will feel better. You've identified that your childhood was difficult due to your mother and fathers separation; at some point try and see if you can get some individual counselling regarding this if you haven't already. You will then identify how and why you got into this relationship and it will give you the strength to get out of it should you chose.
I am with a wonderful person now who is supportive and we enjoy a close, loving relationship and I know our home is a sanctuary for the children.
Reading your story reminds me of a place where I was just over a year ago, me and my ex were only together for 6 months when she became unexpectedly pregnant. It was from then that her jealousy and controlling nature towards me really stepped up a gear when there was just no need for it. I worked at things for few more months as I was thinking of our child, but I just wasn't happy, when I had to end things she told me that I would never see our child, it hit me like a ton of bricks, but at that point I had made my decision.
Its been over a year now since then and I have an amazing little daughter who is and always will be a part of my life, but now I'm having to go to court as the mother will not allow me to go on her birth certificate as the father and will not let me and my daughter have our own time together. I did spend quite a bit of time with her last year but always with the mother around (I understood this while she was young but she doesn't always need to be around her mother now).
Yes its hard having to go through all this stress, but for me I know I made the right decision, I'm a lot happier outside of the relationship and I know that when things are sorted my daughter will see me as a happy Dad. I know you have been in relationship a lot longer than I was, and I know its extremely difficult when its the relationship with your child that's at risk, but do you think its right that you are essentially being held to ransom in a relationship that you don't feel happy in? Believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel, its just a long tunnel!
.... my daughter will see me as a happy Dad.
I think a lot of people underestimate how important this can be to their kids - thanks for posting that 🙂
Would it be worth trying for relationship counselling to see if there is any way you can rebuild the partnership?
good luck.