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stuck in a mess, I have moved out of the family home we have two children, The biggest issues are I smoke my partner does not like this and also i do not drive but both are being dealt with. But the biggest problem is my partners drinking. Every time I come home from work 2-3 glasses of wine drunk sometimes a bottle or half a bottle. When she is not drinking we can talk but the last thing I want to do is talk to someone who once has started to drink her tone is disrespectful and all her words and body language are aggressive (granted thats how I feel, but she does not see this). When she starts to talk with drink I close the conversation down or she even thinks we have had a conversation.
The drinking is worse when she goes out with her mates (granted it is rare) she has no recollection of actions or what she might have done she has even been sick in her sleep and I have had to clean it up. rather than see this as an issue she though her drinks were spiked (may be they were but surely that is a warning sign). This Friday we actually talked made plans but when we got home it turned to absolute [censored] granted she had a drink, well cut a long story short my laptop was over heating so I moved it and her email account had come up and an email to her ex was on there where she was rekindling an old flame from 10 years ago and i did read the whole email and wrong or/not the emails were happening when I was putting our children to bed and when she was drinking. Obviously, I asked her to explain the emails as she was inviting her ex from another country to meet our children and also made comment that give it 3 months and she can't see how his coming would could upset ? but when I asked her to explain her response was "I feel threatened". Have no clue where to go from here?
I have said that whilst she continues to drink or have had a drink I will not discuss anything with her, she wants me to talk with her today with the children around and I do not think that is right as there is a lot of anger on both parties more so disappointment from my side
Hi there
It's a difficult situation for you, she is in denial about the effects that her drinking has on her and those around her and whilst this is the case I can't see that you will be able to get through to her in any meaningful way. She is using the things she doesn't like about you to shield her own failings, anything rather than look inwards.
Is she drinking around the children? There are obvious sageguarding issues if she is drinking whilst caring for them. Does she have family that you could talk to about her excessive drinking?
You're only human and if you see an email to an ex it would take a saint not to read it! Drinking warps people's perception and as you say this is happening when she's had a drink...unless she's prepared to do something about this it will just continue. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that if you're meeting to discuss the problem, it should be when she's sober and the kids aren't around.
Because there's alcohol involved I do feel you will have to monitor the situation for your kids, her drinking may well increase now you aren't there. I think you need to talk to her about her responsibility. To,the children and ask that she refrains from drinking during the day when she has charge of the children...it's not an unreasonable request, see how she deals with this, it would be a good way of measuring how much of a problem drinking has become....if she can't stop during the day then I would advise you go and talk to your GP and if possible any family that could help.
Thanks for the repaonce.
In regards her family they all live to far away to help and to be honest I doubt they would believe me. I n regards her drinking around the children, yes in her words a few glasses of wine which starts at around 4:30pm by the time I would get in half - full bottle of wine and perhaps a gin and tonic. I did brush on the subject to which I got a response of I know I drink a little too much. I did not approach the drinking around the children as the children were present. I did highlight the car has bald tyres as that is an immediate danger. She asked me to change my working pattern which I can't do and to also move from my current location to help out with taking children to school and after school. I can not do that as I would have to be in the family home which would make it worse when the boys see me leaving also the emotional hit I would take, which in turn may have an affect on the children in that it adds confusion the boys need stability. I have also informed her to how much child maintenance and I will discus with her the fact we share childcare costs which will be a reduction in child maintenance as I will continue to pay child care? I presume that to be correct?
If you have agreed an amount of child maintenance between yourselves this is called a family based arrangement, which is preferable to a statutory arrangement through the CMS.
The CMS would calculate CM on a percentage of your gross salary, for two children this is 16%. Certain reductions are made if you pay into a pension scheme and also overnight contact with the children.
Generally the amount you would pay through the CMS is all you would be required to pay, any extra payments you might make, such as sharing nursery fees, are considered discretionary and wouldn't be taken into account.