[Solved] Advice on Dealing with Ex’s Behaviour

hi,

is there a way you can take a break, or limit contact with the ex if its stressing you out. as i have court order in place, i only message if its urgent, like im running late or whatever. i dont have direct contact with ex which makes it easier i guess.

if your happy with the arrangement on how many nights you have the kids, stick with it. stick to the gov CMS calculator, and dont pay above the rate it gives you. im sure if you calculate 4 nights a week, dropping to 2, then maintenance amounts change? check it on their site. only problem is if you do change payment amounts, theres chance ex will kick up a fuss again.

what she mentions about your kids in court, if their in their teens, then the courts and cafcass will listen to their views and make decisions based on that, e.g if they say they dont want to stay x many days at dads house etc. and theres risk your ex may manipulate them to say all sorts.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your ex, it sounds unrelenting. At some point you’re going to have to set some boundaries, for the sake of your health and well being... even if that means her carrying out some of her threats.

By engaging with her, you’re feeding her need for a reaction from you. At the moment she feels she can control you with threats about contact with the children, you need to break the cycle and reclaim some control.

Regarding your question about the number of nights, you’re right that the amount won’t change.

You can see from below that anything above 175 nights is classed as a 50% reduction.

52 to 103 nights - 1/7th reduction to CM
104 to 155 nights. - 2/7th
156 to 174 nights - 3/7th
More than 175 nights - 1⁄2 (50%) plus an extra £7 a week reduction for each child in this band.

As has been mentioned, you’re not liable to pay anything over and above the calculated amount, but who wants to see their kids suffer if they can avoid it?

How old are your children? Younger children may be spoken to gently, the wishes of a child over 12 would carry more weight. I’m sure your children enjoy their time with you, she’s just trying to hurt you by telling you the kids don’t want it.

All the best

Hello

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It does sound like she is using your weakness and your empathy to control you. There's a personality disorder called narcisstic personality disorder (NPD). There's two types, overt and covert.

Essentially people who suffer from NPD do anything to be in control and they don't have any boundaries. They believe they should get what they want and when they want, if not achieved then they won't car how far they go to acquire it. They lack empathy and prey on those who are empathetic and co dependent. I highly suggest you do some reading and go on to Quora and search narcisstic abuse. There you will find people's experience as victims of NPD spouses/partners and what they did to help themselves.

I hope things get better for you!