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Hi everyone
I am hoping to get some advise on a situation that my younger brother is currently going through. He has been with his wife for three years and married for one year. Throughout there time together my brother has told me of regular verbal and emotional abuse against him including verbal insults, put-downs, humiliation, excessive criticism, lying and isolation from family. The issue is that she became pregnant very early on in the relationship and he now has two children with her and feels unable to leave for fear of not being given access to see his children.
To give a bit of an overview of his wife- she has 5 children, 2 of whom are my brothers and are still very young, the other 3 all have different fathers. One of these children is able to see her father on weekends and the mother claims the other children’s fathers have not requested contact. She sometimes claims to have mental health issues (manic depression) but is not medicated for this and I suspect has self diagnosed this and appears to use it as an excuse for her behaviour. Face to face she is usually polite and not obviously abusive but behind closed doors things appear to be very different. I feel she is very convincing and could easily fool social services etc into believing that she is the abused and not the abuser. Her family are diagnosed with mental health issues and she certainly appears to have some kind of mental health issue that my brother has attempted to convince her to have treated but she appears to have a low opinion of health professionals or anyone qualified and will therefore not take advice. She generally avoids leaving the house and only allows my brother out to work. She appears to control where he is and when he goes out as well as controlling all his money. She has banned his/my mother from the house as she challenged this behaviour and is now beginning to further isolate my brother from his family.
Just this week my brother came to mine for 15mins for a hair cut. She told him that he could not go and proceeded to scream, shout and swear at him. While at mine for this 15mins he recieved several texts claiming that the children were ill and he needed to come back immediately.
He has this week told me that she went out for Christmas drinks with her friends and when she came back she accused him of sleeping with her friends and punched him in the head. As far as I know this is the first incidence of physical abuse. The next night he went out on his Christmas work do and was barraged with threats of her calling the police, ambulance and doctors as the children were apparently ill and he had to return home immediately. Upon returning home the children were fine.
I have discussed with him his options of leaving her but he is adamant that if he leaves her she will do all she can to prevent him seeing the children as punishment. As well as convincing everyone he knows that he is some kind of abusive husband.
Sorry for rambling on but just wanted give an idea of what’s going on.
I’m hoping for advice on his legal options if he does leave and she refuses contact with his children. Also if anyone has dealt with similar issues any advice would be much appreciated.
Many Thanks
Hi There,
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I think that you are right that he needs to leave, but I think in order to protect himself he needs to report her to the police for the physic assault where she punched him in the head, without a police report if she does go to the police and try and blame him it's going to be difficult to say any different and he would be challenged on if she was abusing him why he hadn't reported it.
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Has he been to the doctors to seek advice as to his and her mental health? I think he should and explain what she is like and how it's effecting him.
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I'm not too experienced in this and this is just my view.
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GTTS
Totally agree, especially if he has any injuries from her aggression, a GP report would seriously strength his case, but even if he doesn't have physical signs of violence, I think proof that he reported the violent behavior to his GP will help. So would a police report. Unfortunately our society is rather biased as far as men being victims of domestic violence. In his position I would consider going with a woman when reporting, maybe you or his/your mother.
One thing to keep in mind, if he makes allegations to the GP that the children could be at risk, the GP is under an obligation to escalate that (presumably to children's services ?).
If she has abused him in front of the children, he has a strong case to go beyond contact and get a residency order for the children to live with him. Courts look very negatively on children being exposed to domestic violence.
Another thing he might consider is getting in touch with her other ex partners. Presumably they have been through the same, and they may all be able to help each other. There's a good chance they know that this is bound to happen sooner or later, and may well welcome the opportunity to talk to someone who will understand them if they have been abused by the same woman.
Like got-the-tshirt, my knowledge in this area is also limited, so you or your brother may want to consider seeking more specialized help at http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/ .
Your brother is lucky to have you, it could make a massive difference to the outcome, his well being and the well being of his children. Keep us updated if you feel comfortable doing it, men victims of domestic violence stories don't get told enough.
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