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Hi all,
I am wanting a bit of advice on my situation. A short background on me, I have twin boys now six and I look after them full time (with help from my family of course) and they have not seen their Mother in around 8 months, I haven’t heard of her for around 6 months now. She isn’t interested. Luckily for me I have a very supporting family and in my current relationship my girlfriend is very good with the boys, so no problems there.
However on a couple of occasions the boys have asked when they can see their mum or why they haven’t seen their mum. I have just said she works a lot, but I am unsure as to what to say as they do sometimes get a little upset.
If anybody could offer some advice on what to tell them it would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Hi There,
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This must be unsettling for your boys at the age that they are as they aren't really at the age to understand.
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Have you tried to contact thier mum to see if she would see them, or is that not something you want to encourage?
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I guess all you can do is continue the way you have and make excuses for her until they are old enough to understand and handle the truth if she really isn't bothered with having any contact with them, as sad as that is.
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GTTS
Hi there
Its only natural that they would want to see their mum, at six they are still too young to understand the realities of this situation and I feel incredibly sad for them.
Would it be possible to try and speak to their mum and see if you can get some kind of contact schedule arranged? I can't believe she looked after them for the first five years of their lives and doesn't have feelings for them.
Often when parents find it too difficult to open discussions between themselves, using mediation and a neutral third party can be helpful. Perhaps this might be something you could consider?
If none of this is possible and I appreciate that may be the case, it might be a good idea to speak to the school about this, they can provide some pastoral care for them, someone that they could talk to about how they feel.
They've lost their mum and its like a bereavement, you could look into getting them some child counselling and you would access this through your GP.
As difficult as it may be, you could think about being honest with them to a point.... you could reassure them that their mum loves and misses them but sometimes grown ups get upset too and at the moment mum is still getting used to them not living with her. If appropriate you could say that you are going to try and sort it out so that they can visit with their mum but it might take a little time.
All the best
thanks for the reply's, speaking with their mum is not something that i am keen on doing, although she was a part of their lives for 5 years (has not looked after them alone since they were 3) she has always been 'unstable' without getting into the details, and since not having her around the boys attitudes have improved and they are doing better socially and academically.
Maybe you are right and that a little bit of honesty may be the best option, however a little subtlety might be in order.
I've just had a look at your previous posts (should have done that before responding!) and in the circumstances I can understand the difficulties... and the fact that they are doing so well without her is an important factor.
Perhaps it's best to leave things as they are and concentrate on getting your boys through this. They have a very stable home life and from the sound of it, great family support. I would speak to the school and get them a little extra help that way and continue with lots of love and reassurance....and yes, a little subtle honesty.
All the best. 🙂