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[Solved] ADVICE NEEDED

 
(@Liv1991)
Active Member Registered

Hi,
I don't know if I am writing this in the correct place but if someone reads it can you please advise me!
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we are very happy together. But his pats relationship has ruined his life

His ex trapped him and had a child. She happily admits she trapped him as well as is she is proud of it - classy girl! She used to mentally torture him during the relationship and since the baby was born 3 years ago, she uses the child to get at him by stopping him seeing her for months on end whenever she decides. They have tried mediation which didn't work.
I have spoken to someone on FNF and they said in situations like this, some fathers often walk away from their child as it is easier than dealing with the constant heartache.

As his girlfriend, I am going to stand by him whatever HE decides. However, I am wondering if he does chose to walk away from the child, will this affect him really badly later on in life?

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 26/08/2014 6:05 pm
(@mr-slim)
Famed Member Registered

The question is will he be able to live with himself for giving up on his child and will he be able to live with the fact that his child will grow up knowing their Dad gave up and quite possibly screwing their heads up in the process for the rest of their lives, my Dad gave up on me and my brother and it took me 30 years to get over it and when my brother met him he kicked 10 barrels of [censored] out of him.

Thats why I'm so determind to be part of my daughters life as I don't want her little head to be screwed up my life, yeah the easy way out is just to walk away and I have considered it a few times but the over riding fact is that I could not live with myself.

Slim 😉

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26/08/2014 6:16 pm
(@mr-slim)
Famed Member Registered

I wouldn't take too much notice of what that other Dad site has to say to be fair, he'll find a weath of better advice right here 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26/08/2014 6:17 pm
(@mr-slim)
Famed Member Registered

Good on you for sticking by him too, Once I mention I have a daughter who I'm fighting for women run for the hills.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26/08/2014 6:18 pm
(@Liv1991)
Active Member Registered

Thank you for this! I understand it would mess her head up but her mum has a new boyfriend and people have suggested to let him play the dad. I really don't know what to do but it is messing his head up now the way his ex is controlling his relationship with his daughter. I liked the way he kept in touch with his daughter which is what I liked about him. if he told me he wasn't bothered about her I wouldn't have even given him a second look! every woman wants a guy who is committed and that's a way of proving it!

But I think there is a line to be drawn - possibly like my situation nowhere it is affecting his own health

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 26/08/2014 6:47 pm
(@mr-slim)
Famed Member Registered

It so common for the ex to act in this way and you will find hundreds of dads going through the same [censored], It doesn't matter that the ex has another Boyfriend no one can replace him as a dad end of story.

Like I said I felt like giving up as it is absolute torture not seeing your child and dealing with a nut job of an ex but I found each time I was letting it totally consume me that's literally all I thought about and I ended up in a very Dark place indeed, my mum pointed out that first and foremost I had to think about myself as I'd be good to no one if I flipped over to the dark side.

I found that trying to restart my life helped I started keeping fit doing weights and running, I ate well slept well, started dating agin and took up my Dj'ing again I also threw myself into work it didn't make it any easier missing my daughter but I was able to cope more with it then that gave me my fighting spirit back and finally everything s going in my favour.

If he does give in he will be thinking what if for the rest of his life everyone I've spoke to who have walked away have regretted it and feel awful on their child and at the end of the day he has let his ex win bigtime.

There is hope the courts will move heaven and earth for a childs right to have contact with their dad with advice and guidance from people on this site and his support from you he will be fine, it may take a while but I promise you he will get to see his child no matter what the ex has to say about it 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26/08/2014 7:04 pm
 1626
(@1626)
Noble Member Registered

Hi Liv, Slim has given you some really good advice, he's been in this process a while now.

Really feel for you and your partner, my partner is going through the same thing and it's hard to know how to support them at times, I feel helpless a lot during this court process.

As they have tried Mediation and that didn't work, your partner would be able to apply to court for a Child Arrangement Order, this would give both your partner and his child the routine, consistency and stability that regular contact brings. Whilst court is not a pleasant or easy process, sometimes it is unavoidable.

You can ask for advice on here, read through the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section so you guys know what to expect. You can call Coram Children's Legal Centre's helpline, go to the CAB, FNF run branch meetings for parents and some solicitors offer a free 30 minute consultation.

I would always say fight for contact as I didn't have a relationship with my own father and understand the long term effects on the child first hand, subsequently I have encouraged shared care with my kids Dad.

I know a few Dad's on here who have walked away to protect their child being pulled in different directions and believe me, it's the hardest thing they've ever been through.

Your partner is lucky to have you supporting him through such a difficult time. Keep asking on here if you need to, the support we have received has been phenomenal and I hope you partner can start seeing a way through.

Good luck 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27/08/2014 9:20 am
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