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Hi this is my first post so a little nervous but a lot has happened over the last 4 months and I feel a bit of outsider opinion may help.
Just before Xmas I discovered my partner of 14 years had begun messaging an old friend (usual messages and pictures) as this continued with no regrets I was forced to admit defeat and agreed to leave the family home in the new year. To help speed this along my ex decided to arrange a tryst with another old friend which I subsequently discovered after she disappeared for 24 hours.
Over early Jan 16 I attempted to maintain a relationship of some sort she is the mother after all however in short this was met by the knowledge that she and her new man although a secret from everyone were discussing my wage and sharing jokes I even wrote (following advice from here) a separation agreement for discussion giving her the house finances and all in return for a document confirming the days we agreed to share care of our child this was met with a response that she was offended and I can go to [censored].
I've maintained a full time job including travelling out of town, paying nursery fees and taking care of my child for 7 nights out of every 14. She now tells me that she has begun a new relationship with an ex from 15 years ago who during their time together manipulated her verbally, snook into her parents house to demand to know which friends she was with and at the end if the relationship she took a hammer to our body due to the mental state she was in.
Now I know 16 years is a long time but I've told her that I don't want my child around this man while she tells me she's decided her opinion of him and his previous actions is now wrong. How right am I or am I just being too over protective. I know this is a London essay but I would say that this is probably only a third of what has happened since xmas
EHi there
I'm sorry to hear about your problems, breaking up after many years is never easy, especially as there is a child involved. The split is still very recent and I'm sure you are still coming to terms with it all.
It seems she is intent on hurting you and she's succeeding...I think it would be better for you if you stepped back from her and set some boundaries.
I would suggest that you use mediation to try and get some agreement in place about contact and to sort out maintenance payments.
Here's a link to the CSA calculator, it might be a good idea to find out roughly how much you should be paying,it is worked out on a percentage of your salary, with reductions made for the amount of nights your child stays with you. And any pension you pay into.
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
Here's a link to the mediation service, it is the first step before an application to court fora Child Arrangements Order for contact can be made.
www.nfm.org.uk
Rather than trying to tell her who she can and can't see, it might be better to ask that any boyfriends are not introduced to your child unless it becomes serious and you can then give the same undertaking.
Best of luck
Much appreciated, I have already spoken to the CSA regarding expectations and current financial payments and they have agreed the fee would be zero given my outgoings specifically towards my child. Although I told her I don't want her new partner around my child I know this is not enforceable as he and his children are already staying in my old house but I don't feel I could sit back and not tell her. I did email and suggest mediation with professionals but she refused. I feel I'm in for the long haul but I'm keeping a diary of interventions and let downs (comments from nursery staff given she has not arrived for registration once on the days her mother takes her) but I do have a wealth of resources from this site and a solicitor in mind to check everything with.
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