[Solved] Access

Hi there,
I had a similar situation years ago, when my son was a toddler and the distance between his two homes was an hour door-to-door. Several months after he turned 2, after more than half a year trying and listening to the ‘he’s not ready’ mantra’, his mother eventually agreed to 1 overnight a week, but at the same time imposing a reduction in the overall amount of time he usually spent with me over the period of a week.

70 miles is a long distance – I can imagine from my own experience with a much lesser distance (10 miles), that this may be a significant factor in the difficulty your ex may be having, not that I agree with it, as it seems to be based on the assumption that she is able to provide better care etc, when the reality of having a child-free day would be beneficial to her, to your kid, and ultimately to you, as you get a more solid chunk of time. Bedtime stories and waking up cuddles and breakfast are both great for further bonding.

Is it possible to suggest a timeline for overnights? As I said, I had to keep at it for several months, and when she did finally agree to it (I made sure I got this in writing), we settled on a start date a further 2 months away (apparently, so I could be ‘prepared’), which made it less ‘immediate’ for her. I would say keep at it a bit longer. If your ex clearly has no intention of budging even with a projected timeline, then I’d say get the mediation ball rolling, which is a trigger for getting it resolved by a Court Order if a suitable agreement can’t be reached.

I just have to add for Bill, you can’t ‘babysit’ your own kid, just as the mother isn’t babysitting either :p

Thanks for your reply,my worry is that no matter how patient i am my ex will never 'be ready' because she simply does not want my son staying over with me,i think this is mainly due to her clinginess to our son but also other factors like she doesn't trust me to look after him properly or doesn't want him to meet my new girlfriend,i appreciate its difficult for her but at the same time i dont think its fair on me when all i want to do is spend more time with my son and play a part in him growing up,her unwillingness to discuss any sort of arrangement makes me feel i have no choice but to force her hand, which idealy i want to avoid

Unfortunately, it may come to having to head to court. I had to within 18 months of getting the once-weekly overnights with my son when his mother finally 'came clean' and stated she was never going to allow an increase in his time with me because of 'the detrimental impact' it would have on his relationship with her! She also referred to this arrangement as being rather generous, and more than most other separated dads had. Fortunately, the presiding Judge politely begged to differ, and sealed it with a stamp.

The standard Child Arrangements is usually every other weekend, a midweek overnight and up to half the school holidays. Your son is clearly pre-school, but ultimately that standard arrangement is the direction of travel, and if your ex had any sense, or was able to reflect on the importance for your son of him developing a strong relationship with you also, then she would do well to start preparing for this, even incrementally.

My ex is very stuborn and selfish and also makes out she's doing me a favour by letting me see him at her house, yet is unwilling to let him go anywhere else with me so what can you do?? It really annoys me because not only have i done everything to see and provide for my son,since we split up i have helped her in many ways,providing money,furniture, food shopping etc but yet she conveniently seems to forget all this,i feel sad that i feel i have to take the legal route to see my son but i have tried to be as reasonable and co operative as possible and got nothing in return

hi,

you could try again, ask your ex would she consider letting your child spend 1 night with you from age 2, 2 and a half? and see if it can build up to whole weekend. if she's not budging, you can mention taking the legal route and see how she responds. if she's not bothered then atleast you informed her about it before getting court ball rolling. i mentioned legal route to my ex like 3 times before actually applying.