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So I've been married 16 years this year and all was well within our marriage, infact all IS well. Which is what makes this time more difficult for me.
We moved from Nottinghamshire to North Wales 4 years ago just to change things up, improve the quality of life for our children and 'just because' It was a "why the [censored] not" moment and it paid off. We now foster and get away with neither of us going out to work. We struggle sometimes financially, we get by well and we agreed last January to accept our disabled foster child for the rest of his life, a very easy decision as we'd fell in love with him.
Anyway, beyond my wife, there has only been one other love who finished me 16 years ago when I was very much an arsehole and she'd had enough. Life moved on and I then met my wife who I adore and never thought I would ever get with because she really is so beautiful and I really am not. (I don't even have a charming personality or a big bank account)
However, I've never really lost the emotions attached to the first love, I genuinely regret the mistakes I made but don't regret meeting my wife and the life I have had since, I adore my family and love my wife.
5 years ago I saw my ex girlfriend in a supermarket and was thrown into a spin. We didn't talk, she didn't even see me and nothing happened. However for weeks after I felt anxious and upset and regretful for the love I had lost and how I wish I could see her again. But then I felt like a god awful sh*tbag of a husband for even thinking that because I felt I was being unfaithful or denigrating to my wife. Nothing ever happened and I didn't even try and contact my ex, but the emotions I felt were immense.
Then like I said we all moved to Wales and things are wonderful.
Stupidly once, of a late night, I bounced around the internet and found my ex on Facebook and Twitter and every now and then go and look to see what she has said or posted. Still I haven't contacted her or even tried to, it just hasn't felt appropriate. Though there are many times I will look at pictures of her and where she is now, wonder what she is like and up to and I sigh a lot.
Then in the new year she tweeted the most innocent of tweets about a board game she'd played and again I went all angsty and emotional. I'm a big board gamer and really wanted to talk to her about it, it really was about the board games (though let's face it, from all I have said it was not)
I talked with one of my female friend and she said that it was just a simple message and there was nothing wrong with the feeling of wanting to connect with the past.
So I finally sent it on Twitter saying
"If you like that game, then you'll love this" to which the girl replied "thanks I might give that a go"
And that's that.
However it's making me nostalgic and emotional and questioning and confused. The girl is happily married, I am happily married and that is all there has been. But I keep wondering what if..
But then I love my wife
But then relationships come to an end all the time
But then, seriously nothing has happened
But, then is it possible to love two people
But then am I this God awful person for even deviating my thoughts when what I have around me is so wonderful.
Over the last few months, before the message had been sent, it has been physically draining for me as my wife has been very ill and is recovering from a massive operation This means I have ran the house from top to bottom. All child care, all meals, all cleaning, appointments with social workers for our disabled forster child, making sure the wife is well, is taking her meds, is fed, is eating. The intimacy has been off the table (and rightly so, for at least 6 months at least ) it's been a very functional and routines time in my life.
And now the children are back in the school routines it's a 6am start, a full day at home, all meals, all baths, all laundry all prepping for the next day.
I have no idea where my head is at as I feel like I'm one of the bad guys for even having an emotional response, I should be totally focused on home.
It may be a blip, but we're I to return to my home town to see my folks and bump into this girl I don't know what I would do or the choices I would make were I given any. Again this is a stupid notion to entertain as in the 10 years after we split I never saw her except that time at a local super market, so again the chances of that are close to zero.
Hi MrJuggles,
Stop being so hard on yourself - you have done nothing wrong. We all get nostalgic from time to time for the past.
You obviously have fond memories of what happened over 16 years ago and have been going through a physically draining time and also I would imagine a bit of an emotional one as well. It is normal to wonder "What If"............
It sounds to me as if you and your wife need to find your connection again. Check out our relationship area of the site for some advice regarding putting the spark back into your relationship http://www.dad.info/relationships
http://www.dad.info/relationships/long-term/how-to-keep-connected-to-your-partner
http://www.dad.info/relationships/long-term/keeping-romance-alive
http://www.dad.info/relationships/long-term/a-healthy-marriage-with-kids
http://www.dad.info/relationships/long-term/ten-things-that-make-relationships-work-in-the-long-term
When was the last time you and your wife had some real couple time together?
Keep talking
Gooner
Couple couple time has been a long time, though I really don't resent that at all. The wife has been ill with gynaecological issues meaning she's been pretty much off her feet for the last 7-8 months. Also with two birth children and one foster child it's pretty rare we get that actual time together because anyone who babysits for the foster child has to be CRB checked and have a baby sitter assessment with out fostering company ( a bit of a ball ache)
Ironically if we have a 14 year old neurotypical child live with us and they have a sleep over at a friends house then the friends family are fine. We had one friends family that was happy to give the 14 year old beer and social services wasn't bothered to look into it, but if we approach for respite then everyone needs to be checked
So the foster child goes for respite care 1 weekend in 8 and at that point we focus more on doing things as a biological family, just to keep us all together and tight. Though neither of our children mind, we just want to make that effort to keep us strong.
But that's a digression, it's been a while since we've been together as a couple, both intimately and just as a couple. We do make a point in investing in TV shows so when the children are in bed we get our time to engage with something and talk to each other about it.
There's research that says our minds rewire 3-4 times in a life (I'm going to go find it) Once when we are 0-3 which is why the initial years of attachment are crucial, once around the teen years when our whole bodies go crackpot crazy and then again around late thirties early fourties which they argue is a factor into mid life crises. I wonder if that's happening in my head at the moment too.
I have come to the conclusion that you can love two people at the same time, even if one is a memory of a time gone by, I just need to adjust to what makes the most sense as there is nothing wrong with my life, I have nothing to bemoan or validate discontent. It's just really challenging as I feel duplicitous and like I'm keeping secrets and that feels awful.
I think it's worth looking at the links Gooner has posted above.
Realistically, you remember your ex as being exciting to be with, whereas the life you have with your wife has been through the exciting stage and is now routine, so you are looking back through rose tinted glasses wondering if life could be exciting again. If you'd stayed with your ex, chances are life would still be routine by now. Ideally, you need to stop looking at what your ex is up to - something that is not so easy to do when it's so readily accessible on the internet.
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