[Solved] A Cry for Help...

Hi Frank,
I feel for you. Make no mistake, there is no easy way out of this. You have a conscience and you are with someone that cannot see that their rage and anger for what ever reason is hurting you. Only you can save yourself with help of friends Even your friends may send you insane by questioning your interpretation. If you are like me, you probably just wanted an easy life and to make your partner and children happy by being a good man and supporting your family.

I have written on here before. I have left my partner on 4 occasions over the last 16 years. Each time going back after 3 months. This time I have been gone for 8 months and won't be going back, I have taken on the no contact approach. i'm sure this has hit my ex hard as they are normally still in control due to children etc even when you leave. I had to do this as I was mentally drained and dark thoughts were creeping up on me. I am a normal person, maybe a bit sensitive but that's no excuse to be abused and then be told you are just too sensitive.

There is no right or wrong here. Either way there will be everlasting effects whatever you decide to do. I still don't know whether I should have got out years ago leaving my beautiful daughter with her aggressive mother or stayed and act as a buffer to take take the emotional outbursts. I took the 2nd option obviously.

I actually never suggested to my partner we should have counselling. If you are aware enough that yelling never solves anything it's not you that needs help. i know what has made my partner like she is but I'm not capable of changing her past. Her mother knew what she was like. When she witnessed her outbursts in front of me and my daughter she would whisper to me, "let her blow out". My partner claims to have had a great childhood but in our early days she would get drunk and rage for up to 4 hours about how she was left alone and abandoned when she was young. Her parents divorced when she was 13. I once looked up to the sky and said God has sent me down to save this persons life and make them happy again. This was before we had our daughter. After another 16 years of trying to stand by her i'm done. Another year and I would have been in a mental home.

In a warped way I still had immense feelings for my partner when I left. It's crazy, If someone at work or anywhere else screamed at me the way she did I would never speak to them again, so why have let her do this?

I may have said in a previous post what I went through but will briefly describe it again. This is not to get it off my chest, (I've done all that). It's to try and give you an idea of what you may go through if you don't stop the abuse or get out. If you don't do one or the other you will be left with a lifetime of this unless your partner gets help. And by all accounts that rarely works.

I think my partner truly showed what her rage could be like as soon as our daughter was born. Everyone rallied round to help. She was born 2 months prem and in an incubator for a week. Special care unit for a month. We had just moved house the day before with everything still in boxes. Our daughter was also IVF. I had the responsibility of the IVF, the move, the wellbeing of my partner and new baby on my shoulders as well as keeping my job. After the first week my partner wanted to go home and visit my daughter daily. It was a 5 mile trip. I begged her to stay one more week, (Mothers got seperate rooms in the care unit). My mum could see I was worn out and asked the nurses to convince my partner to stay one more week. My partner went mental and screamed at my mum to mind her business. We were all just trying to help. It just wasn't practical, especially after a cesarean. That day i saw a different person.

That's the first time I left. I probably had a bit of a break down. 2 day's later my partner was re-admitted into hospital because her wounds from the cesarean went septic.

Anyway, from then on my partner became even more aggressive, not every day or every week. Just on certain occasions but every time she lost it was a marker for me not to do, or do something.

Since then my daughter has had to witness on many occasions my ex raging at me for things that normal people would not do. I'll give a few examples that stick in my mind. I have only ever brought these up on 1 or 2 occasions with my partner but she would say, oh, are you bringing that up from 2, 3, 5 10 years ago. Believe me, everyone of them episodes were painful, I did not deserve this. In between each rage you would always be walking on eggshells. They actually think you are happy and completely unaware both you and your child are wary of the next outburst.

I noticed many months after our daughter was born my ex would rarely hoover the carpet, i'm talking weeks and months. I offered to do it myself, I really wanted to do it. I was told, no, you won't do it properly. Well, I went ahead and began to do it. the response I got was screaming. Leave the f*g carpet alone, you will spread the dust. I had to sneakily do it now and then without her knowing. She would do the room once every 3 months from top to bottom. In the end the carpet got infested with moths.

If we were invited on a Sunday to my mum's for dinner she would always run late. We all pandered to her, My mum would even ask what she wanted for dinner to make her feel it's about her. On a couple of occasions we were running 30/40 mins late. I would beg her to try and be ready. She would scream down the garden, " we'll go when I'm f*n ready not when your mum wants" All in front of a 3 year old. On one occasion I picked her mum up and came back for her and our daughter. She had been yelling at my daughter who was about 9 nine then. I asked her to stop. I looked in the rear view mirror to kind of give my daughter some kind of reassurance. My partner screamed at us to stop looking at each other plus some kind of derogatory remarks like, "you idiots". Even then my daughter would not look at me in situations like that for fear of reprisals. I was supposed to be her dad but failed her again. People say I should have pulled the ex out of the car and told her never to do that. I know with her rage it would not have stopped there. And so it went on.

On several occasions on holiday, she completely lost it. A trip to the theme park ended with her dragging our daughter all the way to the exit screaming at me... " you selfish bastards" all because I asked if our daughter could go on one more ride before we went back to the hotel. The ex was tired, I said no worries, take a rest on the seat while we go on, then we can set off home. It would have taken 5 mins max, I could not intervene as there were Spanish police all over the park. I had to watch her yanking at our daughter all the way out. The same happened another year because we went to the indoor swimming pool for 30 mins while she was out getting stuff for the apartment. We left a nice little note and said we would be back in 30 mins. When we got back she was crazy. Sat us down on the bed for another 30 mins yelling at us what selfish bastards we were.

In more recent years there's been many more scream ups with her normally saying, [censored] off up your mothers. I may get rid of old food in the fridge, she would go mental and accuse me of interfering. I have paid all the mortgage and all the bills for 16 years. She had a part time job, I always said to spend it on herself the daughter. I took my daughter most places in the car, done the majority of cooking which I loved, I didn't ask for much. Even at the weekend I would get takeaways in the evening or do a breakfast for her in the morning. In all the years I can remember I cant remember her even doing 1 bacon sandwich at the weekend. It was her day off!

There are many, many more times when she has abused me. Some of it much more personal which I don't want to put up on here. Each time though she would be screaming until her throat hurt and would then blame me for making her scream. There may be 2 sides to every story but all I can say is i didn't deserve this.

When I get to see my daughter just for lifts a few times a week I can see the unhappiness in her eyes. I think she is so numb from witnessing all the this she has shut her mind down to what has happened. I have seen a councellor on many occasions. She has told me my daughter will almost certainly be affected by all this in years to come. I feel so guilty that i did nothing but put up with this for so long. I thought it might get better. I'm waiting for the day when my daughter says... Dad, why didn't you stop this. She, like many abused dads will maybe understand this in years to come.