[Solved] A Cry for Help...

In the meantime, I do worry about your oldest son... the fact that he is petrified of her and the way that she treats him is unacceptable. As sad as it might be, I do think you should consider not having him stay over, but pick him up and spend the day with him, away from your home. I feel he must be your priority at the moment.

It may seem that by doing that she is getting her own way in excluding your son, but he shouldn't be made to suffer to make a point, and if you tell her that her actions have consequences and you will in future be spending the day away with your child, it may make her realise she has gone too far... It's seems to me that she hasn't had to deal with the consequences of her actions so far and perhaps it's time that she was made to do so.

Thanks Mojo. Currently I'm going through the courts to restore access with my eldest, as my ex stopped me seeing him for a while last year (long story). CAFCASS are involved. However, CAFCASS are concerned about my current partner. They've basically said that my eldest son is scared of her. I'm not free to do as I wish with my eldest during my time with him because my partner blocks it. And my ex has an issue because she can't talk to me freely without my partner intervening. Basically CAFCASS are concerned that all roads lead back to my partner. As a result, they may not restore my weekends with him, or if they do, it'll have to be as you say, time alone with him. They want to speak to my partner but she's not completely open to it as she doesn't see the point.

However, if my weekends were restored and I told my partner I wanted to do x,y, z with my son on my own, she'd proper kick off. Tell me shes "not having that" and would openly try to argue in front of the kids. I'm saying this as it's happened before.

This is what I mean about being put in a position where I have to choose between my children....

I'm sorry to say this, as I strongly advocate for Dads in their kids lives, but your ex was acting to protect your son by stopping contact, I think you have to ask yourself what is in your sons best interests... Clearly he should be kept away from your partner, which poses a problem for you if you can't take action action against her and provide a safe and welcome environment for your son.

This is such an awful situation for you... She doesn't see the point as she is happy with the results of her manipulation, it appears that's what she wants. Have you heard of narcissistic personalities? She is showing classic signs of being one, if that's the case, it's highly unlikely she will change as she has no insight or empathy.

Your children are being subjected continually to her behaviour, the fact that she argues in front of the kids has been a reliable tool for her... I would assert your wishes, as difficult as that may be... But hide your valuables first.

Thanks again mojo. As it happens, my ex stopped me from seeing my son because she claimed I allowed him to watch pornography at home on Sky TV, and even stated the channel number. No matter what i said, she refused to believe me. The fact i don't even have sky in my house is apparently irrelevant....!

I completely agree with you with regards to the situation not changing. She's getting exactly what she wants, so why should she change, in her eyes?

I'm struggling to see any alternative here other than ending it with my partner. But no idea how that then works with my youngest and my unborn baby? She's already suggested that if we split, she'll only let me see the kids at her parents house, with all her family there, so I have to be supervised....

She may like to restrict your ability to see your children with her, but she has no ability to control that.
You will need to get a child arrangement order in place as soon as just so you can see you children and have formalised arrangements.
If the house is in your name I would seriously look at changing the locks and kicking her out and applying for a non-molestation order - it will save guard you
report the domestic volience to the police and file for divorce on grounds of domestic violence
I would also look at getting custody of your 13month old - but this may be hard.

You really need to get out of that situation, not just for you, but also your children.

... If you separate and she limits your contact with your child, there's a requirement to attempt mediation before a court application can be made. You could claim domestic violence, which would allow you to forego mediation, but without proof that may be difficult. You could speak to the mediator and explain why mediation isn't aapropriate and ask them to sign the form to enable you to apply to court.

As far as the unborn child is concerned, you would make an application for both children. It might be better for you if you request that contact with the newborn takes place in a contact centre to begin with, to allow you time to get to know each other. It would be preferable to contact with her family members.

If you decide to go ahead with the separation, we will do all we can to advise and support you. Do you have family or close friends that will be able to help you directly... it will be tough and the more support you can get around you, the better.

Please consider having a word with your GP and Health Visitor, they will listen and will make a record of your discussion with them, although I'm not sure if the Health Visitor will keep. That between the two of you, or want to involve your partner.

Best of luck

Ok, bit of an update. Though weirdly, on a separate note, the forum no longer recognises my log in, had to create a new one, and my thread is showing cpfcdad wrote it.. bizarre! Anyway….

CAFCASS has composed their report, ahead of my court hearing this Friday. Their recommendation is that my situation changes from what it is currently (Every other Sunday, daytime only, supervised by my mum) – to the same again but unsupervised. They recommend no overnight contact still basically because of the relationship between my son and my partner. And that maybe it can be revisited in 3 months time. So now I’m in a position where I can’t have full weekends restored because of my girlfriend. This is a crazy situation to be in. I feel like I have to now make a choice. If I stay with her, then I see my son for a few hours a fortnight, and that’s it (for now). If I leave my partner, I know my ex would be happy for me to have my son for full weekends again, no questions asked. But then I’ll only see my youngest boy a handful of times, and as for the unborn baby….. How can anyone make a choice like this? What do I do???

I did try to speak to my partner about how I feel – she said she’s aware there’s no relationship between her and my son, but that she’s willing to work on it and I have to help. On a side note, we did talk about our relationship issues, i.e. a real lack of desire from her side to even kiss me, let alone sleep with me (We’ve slept together twice since November, when she found out she was pregnant, but this isn’t an issue apparently). She said I have to make her feel wanted, compliment her, and even then it’ll take some time of me doing this before she’ll even consider sleeping with me. So basically, her needs are to be met first and my needs are simply disregarded and seen as not being important. I told her I feel like a sperm donor…. She fell pregnant, got what she wanted, so now she’s done with me…. She says all I go on about is [censored], or lack of it, and it’s putting pressure on her, so she definitely won’t want it. And to wait for her to come to me. The 2 times we have done it since November, was because I initiated it in the middle of the night… if I didn’t, we wouldn’t have slept together since November. She’s fine with this… says it’s because we have a little one who doesn’t sleep, so she’s tired all the time. Maybe I’m being selfish, I dunno?

we'll look into the problem you've had with the forum - it's being upgraded currently, so issues are being ironed out.

Thanks - My original username was FrankCastle2.0, but I can't even log in with that now, says I can't be authenticated...

She's a narcissist. Say no to her about something she asks and monitor the reaction and reply.
I was in this and got out. I know it's easier said than done and believe me i'm still figuring out how to cut her out of my life and maintain contact with my son but it can be done.

Say no and watch. Check out youtube videos by colttrain, huMAN and paul elam. You'll see yourself you are NOT alone. Women these days are ill. I've now gone MGTOW and am happy apart from dealing with an ex who has a narcissistic personality disorder.

I don't agree with your generalisation that "women these days are ill" . A small minority of women may be...let's keep it balanced.

I agree entirely with mojo - a small minority (of both sexes) spoil things for the vast majority. Most people get on well with their ex's, but you don't generally hear about those, so the problems are the ones you hear about.