[Solved] A Cry for Help...

Apologies in advance for the long thread, it’s hard to capture everything in a single post! In a nutshell, this is covering 2 massive issues – 1) Am I actually in an emotionally abusive relationship? And 2) Am I being forced to choose between my children?

A bit of background – I have a 7 year old boy with my ex-wife, a 13 month old with my current partner, who is also 5 months pregnant. My current partner and ex-wife do not get on, as my ex tried to split us up 2 and a half years ago, which put a lot of strain on my relationship with my current partner.

My current partner and I are in what I would call, a toxic relationship, and it’s a real problem. She’s a very controlling person and it’s just getting worse over time, we argue literally every single day, and recently in front of our 13 month old, which is starting to impact him. When we argue, everything is always my fault somehow. She might say something incendiary to me, I’ll react as it’s got my back up, we will then argue and she will say we are arguing because of my reaction. Doesn’t see any issue with whatever she has said that’s made me react. She criticises me every single day about something. For example, She works 2 days a week. On those 2 days, I’m home before her, so she demands dinner is ready for when she walks through the door. She will then criticise whatever I’ve made. It’ll either be something she didn’t want, or something is too hot, too cold, too much, not enough, doesn’t matter what, there’s always something. Never get a thank you, even though I thank her for dinner when she does make it. I come home from work every single day knowing I’m either going to get criticised, or we will have an argument about something I’ve done or not done.

She’s controlling in every aspect. The only time we talk is when she’s telling me what to do. Can you do this? Can you do that? When I’m out, this needs to be done, etc. Tells me what to wear (as in, tells me what I’m wearing doesn’t suit me and I should wear this or that instead). She’s financially controlling. We don’t have a shared bank account, though she wants one asap, but she wants access to my online banking. Wants to know exactly how much I get paid each month, to the £, and then works out how much is left over after bills. Even if I tell her what I’ve been paid, she will want me to log in and show her. With that exact leftover amount, it goes into our “monthly disposable income” pot. Last month, I didn’t get my overtime paid in time due to an issue at work. I said to her I might get an overdraft to cover us and then clear it on next payday. Anyway, nothing more was said and I decided a few days later to go ahead and get an overdraft. When she found out, she hit the roof. Saying I should have told her before I actually did it, and that she can’t trust me as we need to make financial decisions together. I said it was my money, my decision.. she said "no, its OUR money, and if I don't agree with that, you know where the door is”.

Gaslighting. This seems to be happening more. I came home the other day after seeing my eldest boy, when I came home, my gf was on the phone. When she got off the phone, I asked if she wanted a cup of tea. She kicked off because I didn’t say “Hi”, and that the person who comes in from outside, should be the one that says hi first. [censored]? And we literally argued for most the night. The next 2 days after, she came home from work, didn’t say hi once - using her own argument, I brought this up. She dismissed me and said she has no idea what I’m talking about. Another example – yesterday, our little one woke at 6.30am, she told me to give him his milk straight away as that’s when he has it, no problem. I’m usually out the door at 5.30am for work. Today, he woke at same time, so I went to do his milk. She asked where I was going. I said to do his milk, she asked why, as he never has it at that time, it’s way too early. This is what I’m up against.

My feelings don’t count. She’s never, ever, asked me how my day was when I’ve come home from work. She says work is boring, why would she be interested? But that’s not the point is it? Also, no matter what I do, it’s never enough. The other night, I cooked dinner, washed up, tidied up the house, cleaned all the surfaces, whilst my partner bathed our son. She came downstairs and said “Oh, you could have at least dried the washing up”.

My partner has our son Weds – Fri all day (she works Mon & Tues), and usually goes to her friends or family all day. I have our son from the moment I get in from work at 5pm, bath him, read him a bedtime story and then bed. On weekends, I pretty much have him as she says I need to spend more time with him as I’m at work all week. I’ll also get up early on weekends with him (6.30ish) and let her lie in. Bear in mind he’s usually up 2/3 times a night and she brings him into our bed to sleep as she’s tired. In comparison, I’m up at 5am everyday, home at 5pm, drive 100 miles to work and back everyday. Plus have a 2nd job 3 evenings a week for extra spending money. I don’t get a chance to rest for even 5 minutes when I get in from work as she launches my son onto me as I walk through the door, before I’ve taken my coat and shoes off.

She’s very Jekyll & Hyde. I’m forever walking on eggshells, as an argument will ensue if I even look at her the wrong way. I never know which version of her I’m going to get each day. Will it be the girl I fell for, that’s happy, giggly and playful? Or will it be the one I’m used to, miserable, snappy and grumpy. I get the whole pregnancy/hormone thing, but she’s been like this a long time. And yes, I know I shouldn’t have decided to have another baby with her, before it’s said. But I’m not shirking from any responsibilities as a father. I’m coming for advice as I feel trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship and I guess this is a bit of a cry for help. I don’t want to be one of “those men” that walks from his pregnant partner.

My last bugbear is [censored]. Or lack of it. Used to have a very good, healthy [censored] life. Then our son was born. We were then having [censored] once, possibly twice a month. I wasn’t happy. She said herself she would want it more but was too tired. She fell pregnant in November last year. Since then, we have had [censored] twice. In 4 months. Both this times have been because I initiated it, at 3am, in bed, otherwise we probably wouldn’t had it those 2 times. I’m basically a sperm donor. We argue about it all the time. My needs aren’t being met. Our last conversation about it, she said in order for her to sleep with me, she has to feel loved, wanted, desired. I need to compliment her more, be more affectionate. Basically [censored] is now conditional. Problem is, as much as she has a great body and is good looking, and of course I desire her, but where we argue so much and so often, her body language is so cold, that cuddling or kissing her just isn’t happening. So now I’m effectively in a sexless relationship and expected to just deal with it. We may as well be friends. Friends that don’t even get on! I’m miserable all the time. Constant arguing is getting me down. I know that if we did split, I wouldn’t miss her… what’s there to miss? I don’t really see any of my friends. If I ever arrange something, like going for a Curry for example, she will ask where I have £30 from (as she’s controlling the money), and that if I have £30 spare, why don’t I ever suggest taking her out?

So the above, on its own, is bad. Very bad. But the biggest issue here is my eldest son, and my partners alienation of him. He’s such a good, well mannered kid. Yet all my gf wants to do is tell him off. In fact, the only time she talks to him is tell him what to do. She’s only been like this since the issues with my ex, they were inseparable at the start of our relationship, but my eldest son has nothing to do with any of that, he’s an innocent little boy. I see him every other weekend and speak to him once a week. In fact, he asked me to facetime him last week. But my gf said “no, that’s not happening, I don’t want your ex seeing anything in this house”. I can’t do anything alone with my son. My gf said we have to do everything as a family. If I say I want to take him to the park to go bike riding, she will say I have to take our youngest. If I want to play football with him, she said I have to take my youngest. Who can’t walk yet. She won’t let me do anything with him as its “not fair” on our youngest, or somehow not “fair” on her. Won’t let me go to parents evening in case my ex is there. My gf’s aunt invited us to Spain in May. I said it would be amazing to take my eldest. My partner said no, she doesn’t want to go abroad for the first few holidays with my eldest, she just wants it to be about her kids only. My eldest son is petrified of her, she’s like the stereotypical Disney evil stepmother. He’s a different kid completely when she’s around vs when she’s not around, and that breaks my heart. Basically, my gf is preventing me having the relationship I should be having, with my son.

So I’m finding myself in a position now where I feel I have to choose. Do I leave for my own sanity, be a lot happier, have a much stronger relationship with my eldest, but at the expense of seeing my youngest and my unborn baby less? Or do I stay in an unhappy relationship, be more supportive and just “suck it up” so to speak?