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I have a 14 month old daughter who has lived with me (and my partner, daughters mother) since the day she was born. My partner originally lived over the other side of the country from me but we were living in my hometown. She obviously became homesick and chose to leave with my daughter yesterday, I came home to find them gone. We had a relationship that whilst not fantastic, we did get along pretty well and this came pretty out of the blue. Now, I am dealing with the situation legally etc but cannot deal emotionally. I can't eat, can't sleep and have broken down crying in public. These things are extraordinary to me, I tend to be one to keep my emotions hidden. She won't contact me so I have no idea whats going on but I have learned she wants full custody although she has quoted to various third parties that "he is a great dad and I feel terrible for taking his daughter away from him."
Please, if anyone has experienced anything like this how do you deal not knowing when you will see your child again. Its absolutely killing me. I have a good family around me who are doing everything they can to help me, which in turn makes me feel guilty as I can't stop thinking what could I have done to make her leave, and wonder whether it could be my fault as to why they have lost their granddaughter, niece etc. However since the birth of my daughter I have had nothing of a social life. There is maybe two friends I feel I can confide in I feel so lonely.
Hi,
Firstly, sorry you feel down but please don't panic, I'm certain things will calm down and become more understandable soon. What you'll be feeling right now is shock and it will subside. Us humans don't deal well with shock so when something like this comes around we tend to shut down.
Secondly, don't try to justify the situation. You don't understand what went wrong so you will immediately jump to the worst conclusion. Wait until things have settled a bit then I'm sure contact will be made and things will become clearer.
Also, understand that your partner may also be in shock and find it incredibly hard to have walked out on the love of her life and that may be why she hasn't contacted you directly. Every good father (which she says you are let alone the rest of us) deserves the right to see their children and unless there is good reason for you not to see her then you have access rights. This may still mean you don't have custody of her but it does mean that you'll see her a lot. Just remember, you'll always be her dad.
Finally, don't be ashamed to cry, whether it be publicly or privately, it's the body's mechanism for dealing with the unknown and anybody who judged you for crying would immediately understand why you were if you explained.
I'm sorry I can't give any better advice but stay strong and I'm sure something will get worked out, in the meantime if you ever need a chat just message me 😉
Thom
I think that's pretty good advice from Thom there. The most important thing initially is to look after yourself - you need to be positive when you see your daughter for her sake as much as yours.
She may need a little time to settle down, but without going to far, see if there's any way you can get a message to her to say that you would really like contact with your daughter as soon as possible.
Do you think that relate may be able to help? If so, we can ask them to give advice on here. Otherwise, I think your first step will be mediation.
Thanks very much for the advice, I do find it useful. I am using every method of help thats out there. I have done all the things I could think of doing and I have an appointment to speak to a counsellor on Monday just as someone to speak to. I appreciate everything my family are doing, they have been fantastic but I'm sick of automatically getting legal advice. I know without their advice on what I should do next etc I'd be lost but I just need to let my emotions out sometimes. I had a very long conversation with my longest and dearest friend and began to get those frustrations out and he managed to get me to stop focusing on matters for a period. We had a chat about football and about work and funny memories. I was able to laugh and even smile.
I am doing my absolute best to stay positive, I am an extremely positive person but this has left me feeling broken. There is a massive empty hole, everywhere I go everything seems quiet and empty.
I am not entirely sure what relate do, but I did search for it and maybe it could be useful.
Thanks very much, im beginning to get there, just need to learn to tune out. Back to work Monday should help
I'll ask Relate to comment - what you do with the information is up to you then.
It sounds as though your friend is going to be one of your biggest helps if he cna make you laugh at this point, so glad he's there. Keep in touch on here, as we'll always give an opinion or two from our own experiences.
Thanks very much, I appreciate the advice I've been given. Its good to feel like there are places I can turn for help and advice.
Hello Ir11
Thank you for your post. I can appreciate it is a very difficult and unexpected situation that you find yourself in and this can feel a very lonely place.
When a relationship breaks down it is a highly emotional time. I want to reassure you that the roller coaster of emotions you are experiencing are very normal reactions to the loss of your daughter and partner, at this time. You say you are not normally one to show your emotions, this can feel quite uncomfortable, but it is good that you have recognised the importance of talking through these feelings, bottling up our emotions can for some prove unhelpful. It sounds as though you have a very supportive family. However, it is sometimes beneficial to talk to someone outside the family, who has no emotional connection to yourself. This will enable you to explore what is happening from an impartial perspective. I would have suggested talking to Relate as they offer a confidential counselling service and can provide support to individuals and couples. You say you have approached a counsellor, but I will give you Relate’s telephone number for reference 0300 100 1234 or you could visit their website www.relate.org.uk as there is some useful relationship advice that you might find helpful,
When you are able to make contact with your partner, it will be important, to discuss access to your daughter as she needs you both for her future growth and development. If, at this time, conversations between you and your partner are difficult then mediation may help you both to be able to have these important conversations in an impartial environment.
I know you say that you have considered the legal aspects of your situation but I have added some links that you might find helpful. There is some good information on dadinfo the link is http:www.dad.info/separation/law-and-rights/fathers-rights-to-see-their-children-law-in-the-uk, also if needed, some free legal advice can be accessed at http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/.
I hope this information is helpful.
Joanne – Relate.
Thanks for all the advice. Seen solicitor and done everything I could. She keeps offering to discuss it and then says "no, talk to my lawyer" like it is some sort of a game to her. The worst part is that she agreed to let me see my daughter this coming Saturday, and then went through my emails, seen I was looking for legal advice and changed her mind. I don't know why I was ever in a relationship with here, she is rotten to the core. I love my daughter and just want to see her, my daughter will be missing me but she doesn't care, she just wants to win her little games.
One thing you need to make sure is that she has no further access to any of your communications, facebook account etc, though you've probably already realised that now.