TOPIC: Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath

Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath 4 days 4 hours ago #81966

Could do with some advice on minimising contact with abusive ex so thought id start a thread which may be helpful if anyone else has these problems too, and how youve overcome them.

If you believe your ex displays any symptoms of being a sociopath it would be good to take this test www.psychopathfree.com/test/ if your ex displays any / all of these traits she is a narcissist / psychopath / sociopath

For 5 years now I've been unknowingly 'feeding' my exes character defect and aiding her in her pursuit of breaking my character and alienating my daughter. She is now 7 years old and our bond is at most broken. A good start to get over this is by reading and studying the book 'psychopath free' this book has given me strength at a time where I've felt quite low and hopeless.

What id like to ask, is if anybody has any tips on what I should put forward to the courts, to minimize my exes abuse to my daughter and to also minimize any contact with her.

- A good suggestion put forward already is a 'communication book' I can already think of a few spiteful things she may or may not do around this but its a start.

- She has also said that now on daughters weekend contact that she wants a phone call from my daughter as and when she wants (shes been fine here for 5 years), according to the book this is to break down my self esteem and character. Another narcissistic trait.

- Also on holidays abroad she wants contact via facetime at least once per day each morning. Something that I request and also get denied when she goes away particularly last time when she went to turkey and there was a coop! not only that but a thunder and lightening storm which struck right next to my daughter :boohoo: put me through some right situations and my head through its paces, but I understand now that a narcissist does not feel normal human emotions so I cannot expect to be able to work along nicely with this person .

Does anyone have any tips?
Last Edit: 4 days 3 hours ago by Full Time Dad.
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Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath 1 day 22 hours ago #82016

Hi full time dad,

I've just taken the test you posted and my ex comes out as cunning manipulator which seems about right...... somehow..... i don't know maybe just how i'm feeling.
i have phone calls, was twice a week now once but it seems that their wound up quicker and quicker, my son can be talking and then he seems to have to rush of the phone. don't know about other people here but what ever i do seems to be copied and repeated but much bigger and better, or blockers are put in place, we've been going for walks with my kids and parents dogs but more and more their wellies stopped coming when asked for, cloths sent are all old and small.... and not warm things, i buy new and send them back with them but their never returned so i've had to stop, when asked my son says that they have to change before they come over. same with toys, there not allowed to bring their own or any of their pocket money..... it seems that everything is 'hers'.... shes always come across as a bit selfish but these are my kids things...... your with someone for so long and their like this.

So yes if anyone has any good tips please post

all the best full time dad.
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Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath 1 day 13 hours ago #82019

Hi
...withholding their belongings and sending them in inappropriate clothing is quite common I'm afraid. We suggest that in this case you buy a couple of sets of clothes and wellies etc and keep them, changing them back into the clothes they came in before returning them.

The same with toys and pocket money. Even if you don't get the shared care you're after, you can create "home" at your house and tell them that they have two homes, one with mum and one with you....she will probably tell them different, but her bitterness will not go unnoticed by the children as they get older.

Don't be the one to question the children, allow them to be able to relax when they are with you....if they want to tell you something, they are more likely to if they feel they won't be put on the spot, let you be the safe haven where they are free to enjoy their time and relax when spending time with you.
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Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath 1 day 8 hours ago #82027

Hi ChainMail,

I'm in a similar situation to yourself also, I've bought my daughter a phone which is topped up monthly. Phone calls through the week if any as they have whittled down alot are monitored over loudspeaker and are normally rushed. I tend to talk to my daughter on visits about stuff we can speak about over the phone. We even made up cool nicknames for each other which is a great ice breaker. Still working through this one...

Copied and repeated also is the theme here, lots of competition! She is also being given the choice now whether to come to dads or stay at mums and do something fun. Best way to get over this at least during the waiting period to go to court I've found is to keep things spontaneous and under wraps that way its more fun and less likely to be scuppered. Your motives for taking your child places are genuine and with good intention. Walks with the dog will be your tradition, something your child will grow up to remember.

Clothes - Seems to be a trend, having 3 children I've only just discovered this time around. My daughter is now sent in pyjamas as clothes were never being exchanged similar to your scenario. In all actuality this is a good idea, even though sometimes if I collect her from school etc there is a deficit. PJs can be had now from tesco for about £6, compared to the cost of good outfits thats a good compromise.

As difficult and ugly the situation is we must persevere in the hope that these women grow up to realise we are here to do the best for our children. Though sometimes this is not the case unfortunately.

I've been practising the 'grey rock method' with my ex. Though recent issues have caused things to flair up its got to be the only way to keep ones sanity. Grey rock means to basically be as boring as possible to the manipulator, communicating only about the child, ignoring the emotions and other grievances. That way they will move on to their next target and leave you alone.

queenbeeing.com/toxic-relationship-recov...-rock-method-safely/

I hope I have helped
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Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath 1 day 7 hours ago #82028

Thanks a lot to all posters here... a strong reminder that what can seem like a completely non-standard situation is being endured by many others in separation. So much of what is written above resonates with me!
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Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath 13 hours 43 minutes ago #82058

I'm glad to know that this is helping others too. For so many years I was a prisoner of my own mind due to manipulation and subtle games. What we must remember is that we are not the problem, and that we can overcome it with positive thinking and being the most genuine version of ourselves to our children.
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Dealing with a narcissistic Ex Partner - Psycopath 1 hour 29 minutes ago #82070

i must be feeling better today.... the first sentence about phones being on speaker made me laugh in irony.... its always on speaker.

I read up last night a bit about narcissist and narcissistic behavior on psychology today and there were a number of things that just seem to hit home. One was a bit about narcissists being charming.... in my case she is very charismatic.... a natural people person but only so far as to get what she wants, shes never had a long term friend as people are unceremoniously cut from her life the minute she takes offence or feels wronged..... but the bit that struck home was where they make other people..... er ... feel bad. My ex would always..... still does i suppose..... well i'm not doing her much justice because she does have good qualities..... but i do remember her just peck and peck and peck until I started to feel stressed myself... and i remember this from the very beginning of our relationship..... well soon after it became serious.... but yes she'd peck and peck and peck and as soon as she'd got that response it would stop..... and it always seemed more prominent when she was having difficulties at work , or stressed herself i suppose.

I found the bit about grey rock method interesting... and i must say i like the idea but i need to keep building my confidence up.... these last few days it feels like split personality.... on minute melancholy, the happy, then dejected and mind like Swiss cheese, then speak to a few people and feel more confident..... from minute to minute... even now going from angry to laughing about the phone to feeling repentant and bad about putting the ex.... my kids mother in a bad light......

sorry for hijacking your post..... I just know that i need to build up my strength like i use to be before we were together.... i feel that I've weather it for so long but these last few years i've become a different person ..... i do know that meditation has worked...... does work and i do it daily.... when i remember :).... and certainly getting enough sleep and keep eating..... the simple things count a lot.... its just that you have to realises this.... and then keep realising it because when the melancholy and Swiss cheese brain kicks in..... different person again.... need to stop making this about her..... make myself the grey rock when around her.... i'll go do more reading.......

also came across self help CBT on youtube that i'm going to start giving ago see if it helps.

Its all so strange because when i'm with my children i'm almost back to my old self.... its like something in me just steps up when their there.... then leaves again with them.... and now the doubt.... am i doing this more for me.... or them?

one day at a time.
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